‘My wife of 15 years recently cheated on me - I don’t know if our marriage can survive’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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My wife of 15 years has cheated. She explained that it was just sex, an online flirting thing that escalated one day. She told me that the moment it was done she regretted it. She said that I am the one she wants to spend her life with and she hates herself for what she did. I absolutely adore my wife and our three children. We have a great family. But I really don’t understand the man she cheated with. If it was a 6ft 4in handsome and intelligent man I’d get it - 15 years married and she fancied a wild night with Prince Charming, but it wasn’t. He’s nothing. I’m left so confused and hurt. Every day I’m trying not to think about the two of them together. Can my marriage survive?
Lala says…
The pain of being betrayed by a partner through infidelity is brutal. Akin to having your heart pulled out through your stomach, dragging all your self-esteem out with it as it goes. I am sorry that you’re going through that and that thoughts of it are eating you up. It is very common after cheating to find yourself haunted by images of your partner with another person, it can be difficult to think of anything else. It can leave you with a thousand unanswered questions and a sense of your whole reality being shattered. Of course you’re confused, hurt, and feeling sick.
People can be very black and white about cheating and there will be lots of people in comments who feel like one betrayal is one too many and that a relationship can never recover from cheating. But there will be others who tell you that they managed to get through the infidelity and that their marriage has come out stronger than it had been beforehand. You do not have to make any decisions now. It’s recent and raw and you shouldn’t feel like you’re under any pressure to be clear about your future plans at this point. You should take your time to process it and figure out if you can rebuild trust. You don’t need to make any promises now.
People cheat for a variety of reasons, like they’re not getting their needs met by their current partner, often intimacy needs. They’re not feeling wanted or sexy or their sex drives are mismatched. Sometimes they have kinks or desires that they feel they can’t explore with their partner. Sometimes they feel lonely in the marriage or unseen or unheard. Sometimes after long relationships people get a sense of wanting something different, wanting to break the monotony and invite some danger and excitement into their lives. Sometimes it just happens in a moment of madness. Sometimes they’ve been harbouring resentment or anger and it’s a form of revenge. I’d highly recommend following the work of Esther Perel to understand more about the complexities.
In terms of not understanding because he’s not a 6ft 4in Adonis - I wonder how you’d feel if he were a god of a man? I think it may have given you more to feel worried about. Cheating can happen because someone has simply had an opportunity to sleep with someone who’s so attractive that they didn’t want to decline, but more often it’s not about what the person looks like, it’s about the heady lust and danger in that moment. It’s about the buzzing feelings that a new crush creates. She’s been raising children and loving one man for 15 years, and I can see how attention from a new man and the energy that a secret crush generates could make her make reckless decisions.
That doesn’t excuse the pain she has caused, but humans are flawed. We mess up and we have hormones and needs, and sometimes we just get really carried away and we end up hurting the people we love. It sounds like she has shown remorse, but it is now on her to rebuild trust, and to do that she needs to be committed to being truthful, transparent, and genuinely committed to healing. Is she open to that? Would she attend couple's counselling? I think that would play a crucial role in repairing things and helping you to unpack some of the “why?” and the deeper things that have led to this. I would recommend individual therapy for yourself too, to help process this with professional guidance away from her.
It’s important to think about what you need from her going forward. It is a red flag if she is minimising the situation or is unwilling to take part in therapy together. But it sounds like she wants to make things right. Can you forgive her - not just for her, but for you - so this doesn’t eat you alive? If overtime you struggle to forgive and you feel like the trust is too hard to regain then you may need to consider that too much damage has been done and it is OK to walk away.
It sounds like you’ve been a wonderful father and husband and that your family is incredibly important to you. Your priority is your children and their well-being, and to ensure that you’re doing your best for them, you need to look after yourself and your own emotional well-being; but that doesn’t mean staying together purely for the sake of the kids. This moment doesn’t erase everything you’ve built together, and if your wife is willing to work on herself and on your marriage then it’s possible that you could me out of this in a better place than where you started. Remember to take things one day at a time, you’re going to feel conflicted, you’re going to have days where you’re plagued by visions of them, you’re going to have days where you feel some relief. The process will not be linear and you will have ups and downs, but you will get through it, no matter the outcome.
