A Divorce Lawyer Is Sharing The Most Common Mistakes Almost Everyone Makes When It Comes To Marriage
Divorce is a loaded word. One that London divorce lawyer Oliverta Mediu, a partner at Waterstone Legal, understands intimately. With marriage breakdowns soaring in January, it’s a good time to reflect on our own approach to relationships.
Navigating the messy waters of separation for nearly 10 years, Oliverta has quite the black book on what leads to marriage breakdowns. While divorce is sometimes the best solution, it is not an “easy way out," she says. As law firms prepare for the inevitable influx of inquiries following the holidays, where couples “are forced to spend more time together away from distractions,” she shares the most common mistakes many of us make when it comes to marriage:
1.Rushing down the aisle
It’s easy to confuse our own views on marriage with a passion for wanting to fit in and “follow what everyone else is doing,” Oliverta says. There are many unwritten social benchmarks we strive to hit, be them cultural or from internal pressure we put on ourselves that deny us “the time and space to analyze our individuality and honor that.” The engagement period is there for a reason. A time to reflect and be sure you said ‘yes’ for the right reasons.
It's important we get to know ourselves and our partner well enough before making big decisions like marriage and having children to be sure we're not “rushing down the aisle towards a life we do not really want,” Oliverta says. Happiness is something only you can create and that comes from making choices based on what you want, nobody else.
2.Romanticizing life after "I do"
Apologies for any “burst bubbles." Alas, marriage is not the romantic notion depicted in Cinderella. Life after “I do” is not a fairytale. It’s school runs, sleepless nights, and taking care of one another. Every marriage, however perfect it may seem, comes with its fair share of challenges. Often, the first thing couples tend to do when encountering a problem is look at their immediate surroundings in a rush to change something and “point at the marriage,” Oliverta says. Quite often, there is something else that could be the answer. They simply need to work together to find the solution as a team, as opposed to letting the problem push them further apart.
3.Not being open to compromise
When two people come into a marriage there's a lot going on. Both have come from very different homes made up of good and bad bricks. Quite often, it’s hard to see the bricks we need to drop in order to accommodate the move. “We cling to our own ideal homes instead of being open to creating a new house together,” Oliverta says. The art of compromise is one of the most powerful tools in a successful marriage (and divorce). It's easy to throw in the towel too soon. Ultimately, marriage is teamwork, and even if it does end in divorce, you can stay a team when you make the effort to compromise. This helps manage the emotional impact it has on the couple and the children and takes the bitterness out of the process.
4.Getting stuck in the puzzle
When you see pictures of older happily married couples either in films or commercials, remember that’s often the happy ending. Below the perfect picture is “the marriage puzzle” they have been working on piece by piece to make it so. Marriages take work, effort, and commitment. When life gets hard, it can be easy to pull the puzzle apart when sometimes there is still hope it can be pieced back together. “I always encourage clients to ask themselves, 'what do you have to lose?' before beginning divorce proceedings. If they truly feel separation is the best choice and it’s time to start a new puzzle, only they can decide,” Oliverta says,
5.Judging
When it comes to marriage and divorce, there is so much judgment. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong way to be married and no right or wrong when it comes to divorce. No relationship is perfect. While sometimes problems can be resolved, in some circumstances, divorce is the only option. Fear of judgment can keep many unhappy couples in marriages feeling trapped and alone. In many ethnic groups, “divorce is viewed as the end of life, which can paralyze women from taking action,” Oliverta says. A lot of progress has been made with regard to normalizing divorce, but still, there is a long way to go.
The best thing we can do, whether experiencing a marriage breakdown or if we know someone who is going through one, is “be sympathetic, be compassionate and be mindful,” according to Oliverta. Life is full of twists and turns. If there's one thing every divorce lawyer worth their salt knows, it’s “don’t judge based on your own personal circumstances.”
How do you feel about marriage? Share your views on saying "I do" below. ❤️
