Experts Agree This Is the Key Way to Get Your Kids to Open up More
I know it happens with my 8-year-old all the time. She can talk for hours about all the cat clans in the Warriors books or about the strengths and weaknesses of various Pokémon. But if I try and tease one little detail about her school day from her, all of a sudden it's "I don't know" or "I can't remember."
Clearly, it's not a memory problem. "Almost all preschoolers and early elementary schoolers are able to recount every detail of what they have seen during the day, but it's very hard for them to start a narrative on a broad topic," says Pamela Li, M.S., a best-selling author and the founder and editor-in-chief of Parenting for Brain.
So if she knows the answer, it must be my line of questioning that's the problem. It's possible I'm being too vague. "Details about their day are usually good starting questions," Li says, "while a broad question like, 'What did you learn today?' is not."
Li adds that once I've gotten a good response to those smaller, specific questions, I can then use those as a stepping stone to broader, open-ended ones. A good example, she says, would be asking something like, "Did you raise your hand in class today?" Then you can follow up with something like“Tell me more about that class and what you like or dislike about it.”
"Most children say 'I don't know' when asked the wrong question or when they don't want to talk," Li says. "When it happens, try asking a series of specific questions that elicit one-word answers. The key is to get them to start talking and show your interest in what they do. When you hit the right question, they will start elaborating on it. Then you can follow up with an open-ended question."
I can say it's worked: I definitely get a better response to "What was your special today?" or "Did anybody get in trouble?" than I do to "How was your day?" Then I can try to zoom out and get the bigger picture.
If you want to try the same method to coax them out of their shells, it helps to have some open-ended questions at the ready to keep the conversation flowing. These are some of the best questions for kids to help get to know them better. Some are ones you can break out around the dinner table, while others you can break out at any time when you feel a lull in the conversation. Plus, there's never a bad time for a good "Would you rather?" conversation!
Everyday Questions for Kids
On the way home, around the table or before bed, these might get kids to open up about their days.
What was the best thing that happened to you today?
What was the worst thing that happened to you today?
What was your favorite thing you learned today?
Who did you talk to or play with today?
Did you raise your hand in school today? Were you called on?
What special classes did you have today? Did you have art, music, or gym? What did you do in those classes?
What was the school lunch today?
Did anyone get in trouble today?
Did anything really funny happen today?
What was the hardest thing you had to do today? What was the easiest?
Did you do anything brave or kind today?
Did you read any books today? Did you like them?
Do you have any questions about anything that happened today?
What are you most grateful for today?
What's on the schedule for tomorrow?
Questions About Family
Often, we don't become interested in learning about our families until it's too late. These family history questions will help kids learn more about their relatives and where they came from.
When is your birthday? Do you share your birth month with any family members? Do you know your birthstone, birth flower or zodiac sign?
What does your name mean? Why was that name chosen for you? Does anyone else in the family share your name or middle name?
How many people are in your family? How many siblings? How many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.?
Where did your parents grow up?
What do you think your parents do for work?
Do you know all your grandparents' names? Do you know where they were from?
Do you know how your parents met? How your grandparents met?
What's your favorite thing to do for fun on weekends? When they were your age, what were your parents' favorite thing to do for fun on weekends? What about your grandparents?
What languages do you speak in your family?
What's one thing that makes your family special?
Who in the family do you look most like? Who do you act like?
Who is the oldest person in your family? Who is the youngest?
Who is the best artist in your family? The best musician? Cook? Who's the funniest?
If you could swap places with one person in your family, who would it be and why?
What's your favorite family tradition?
Questions About the Future
Where do they see themselves in the future? These are fun because the answers change all the time, so you can use them again and again.
What's something you're looking forward to?
What goals do you have for the next year?
Where do you want to live when you grow up?
What does your dream house look like?
What do you want to do for a job when you grow up? What job would you want to do the least?
What kind of car would you like to drive?
What skill or hobby would you most like to learn in the future?
If you could go anywhere in the world, what place would you most want to travel to? Why?
If you could sign up for one travel experience — like bungee jumping, skydiving, horseback riding, surfing, scuba diving, exploring ruins — what would it be?
Do you think you'll attend college? What kind of campus do you imagine you'll want?
Do you want to have kids? How many?
What are you looking forward to most about getting older?
How do you think your generation will change the world for the better?
What do you think will be most different about living in the future?
Is there anything that scares or worries you about the future?
Questions About the Past
It's funny the details they remember most about a trip or event — sometimes seemingly insignificant details are the ones that have the most salience. Access their memories with these questions.
What's the first thing you remember?
What's a memory that makes you happy?
What's the luckiest thing that's ever happened to you?
What's the best present you ever got?
What was the best trip you ever took?
What was the best birthday you ever had?
What's the last thing that made you laugh really hard?
What's your favorite age to be so far?
What's the strangest thing that's ever happened to you?
What's the best advice you've ever received?
How did you meet your best friend? What was your first impression of them?
Where is your favorite place in the world, and what's your happiest memory there?
What was your most embarrassing moment?
What's one mistake you wish you could go back and fix?
What's one thing you've done that you wish you could do again?
Questions About Favorites
Kids often have their favorite colors and books on the tip of their tongues, ready to be asked. (But do you know your answers to these questions?)
What's your favorite book? Why?
What's your favorite TV show? Why?
What's your favorite movie? Why?
Who is your favorite character in any of the above? Why?
What's your favorite toy or game? Why?
What’s your favorite color?
What's your favorite number?
What's your favorite word?
What's your favorite sports team?
What's your favorite song right now?
What's your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? Dessert? Snack?
What's your favorite joke?
What does your favorite outfit look like?
What's your favorite subject in school?
What's your favorite holiday?
Questions to Get Their Imaginations Going
Get their creativity going into overdrive — no question is too off-the-wall!
If you had a time machine, what time would you travel to? What would you do?
If you could make any invention in the world, what would you invent?
If you won a million dollars, what would you buy?
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Why?
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
If you were a parent, what new rules would you make for your family? Which ones would you ditch?
If you were the principal of your school, what new rules would you make? Which ones would you ditch?
If you were president of the country, what new laws would you make? Which ones would you ditch?
If you were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you want to have with you?
If you could switch places with anyone for a day, who would you pick?
If you saw a shooting star, what would you wish for?
If you could be a celebrity, what would you want to be famous for?
If you could teleport, where would you go? Why?
If you had to come up with a family crest and a motto, what would it be?
If you could live in any fictional world, which one would you choose? Why?
Funny and Silly Questions for Kids
Conversations don't always have to be so serious. Try these to get a laugh!
If you could switch places with your pet for a day, what would your day be like?
If your stuffed animals could talk, what would they say?
If you woke up and there were suddenly no rules, what's the first thing you would do?
What is the silliest face you can make?
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
What would life be like if you had eight arms like an octopus?
Can you wiggle your ears? Touch your tongue to your nose? Raise only one eyebrow?
If you were given permission to make the biggest mess ever, what would you do?
What's the weirdest noise you can make?
Which animal would you think has the smelliest farts?
What's your silliest talent?
If you could choose one of your toys to come to life, which one would you pick? Why?
What do you think goldfish think about all day?
What's the wackiest thing you could put on a pizza that you would actually eat?
What sound do you think a giraffe should make?
"Would You Rather?" Questions for Kids
It's not really the answers to these questions that are interesting, but how kids justify them that shows how their minds work.
Would you rather take a trip to a city or the beach?
Would you rather have the power to fly or the power to be invisible?
Would you rather explore the bottom of the ocean or the deepest reaches of outer space?
Would you rather be as small as a ladybug or as big as an elephant?
Would you rather have wings or a tail?
Would you rather have a pet cat or a pet dog?
Would you rather be able to wake up earlier or go to bed later?
Would you rather have a ghost in your attic or a monster under your bed?
Would you rather live someplace that's warm all the time or someplace where there's always snow on the ground?
Would you rather ride a horse or a motorcycle?
Would you rather have a pet dragon or a pet unicorn?
Would you rather be super lucky or super smart?
Would you rather time travel to the past to see dinosaurs, or to the future to see what's to come?
Would you rather have a house with a slide staircase or a house with a secret passageway?
If you had to give one up, would you rather give up screen time or give up candy?
Questions for Little Kids
Even the littlest conversationalists can get in on the fun with these icebreakers.
What's your favorite animal?
What's your favorite thing to color?
What would your best day be like?
What do you like to do most when you go to a playground?
If you opened a store, what would you sell?
Would you rather be a superhero or a princess? Why?
What's your favorite thing to do outside?
What's your favorite thing to do inside?
What's your favorite room where you live? Why?
If you had a camera, what would you want to take pictures of?
What's something you're really good at?
What makes you smile or laugh?
If you had to name a pet cat, what name would you pick? What about dog? Bear? Dragon? Unicorn?
If you could learn any language, what would it be?
If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Questions for Big Kids
Bigger kids mean bigger questions — and more thoughtful answers.
What's your best talent?
What's one thing you wish you were better at?
What's one thing that makes you unique?
What qualities do you look for in a friend?
Who is someone you look up to? Why?
What do you like to daydream about?
What's one thing I don't already know about you?
When was the last time you had to do something really hard? How did you do it?
When was the last time you went out of your way to be nice to someone? What did that feel like?
What worries you most?
Who knows you the best?
What's the wackiest dream you've had recently?
Who has been your favorite teacher so far? Why?
If you won $100, what would you buy? What if it were $500?
What makes you feel confident?
When to Keep Quiet
"As they grow, how we handle these conversations will determine whether they will still want to talk to us," Li says. "Good conversations are those that engage them with their interest so they feel heard and understood. Bad ones are those that interrogate, judge, lecture or dismiss, making them feel unheard. Conversations like these are also good opportunities to validate their feelings and coach them on coping with emotions."
And sometimes, kids don't want to talk at all. "If nothing works, you can start talking about something you experienced that day," Li adds. "Do this only if they're interested in listening. Otherwise, it may mean that they want some quiet time." And there's nothing wrong with that.
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