Motherhood isn’t martyrdom—how one mom’s message is striking a nerve

“If you stop taking care of yourself when you become a mom, you are going to resent this journey of motherhood.”

Those words from Amanda Talijan’s viral TikTok video have struck a nerve with millions of moms online. In just five days, the video has racked up nearly 2 million views, sparking a heated conversation about self-care, maternal burnout, and the impossible expectations placed on mothers—including the deeply ingrained idea that moms must sacrifice everything for their families without complaint.

Talijan’s message is clear: Moms matter, and their well-being isn’t optional. “You cannot pour from an empty cup,” she says. “I know that we hear it all the time, but you have to put it into practice.” The video is a rallying cry for moms to reclaim space for themselves—to take five minutes for self-care, to feel put together before leaving the house, to ask for help, and to do things that bring them joy outside of their children and partners. As she puts it, “Anyone who is forcing the rhetoric that becoming a mom means that you need to be a martyr does not care about women.”

And she’s right. Moms absolutely should practice putting themselves first. But here’s the thing: self-care alone isn’t enough.

We need self-care—and we need society to care for moms

The reality is that no amount of bubble baths, morning routines, or habit-stacking can fix the deeply ingrained societal structures that make motherhood so overwhelming in the first place. Moms don’t just need to prioritize themselves—they need their partners, workplaces, and government to actually show up for them, too.

Related: Self-care looks different for everyone and that’s OK

1. Partners need to pull their weight

The “mental load”—the invisible, never-ending to-do list that comes with managing a household and family—falls disproportionately on women. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that mothers take on 71% of household mental load tasks.

Even in dual-income households, women are still doing more parenting, more housework, and more of the unseen, exhausting labor that keeps families running. A 2023 Pew Research Center study found that even in marriages where both spouses earn about the same, wives spend an average of 6.9 hours per week on caregiving and 4.6 hours on housework, while husbands spend approximately 5 hours on caregiving and 2 hours on housework. The imbalance in household and caregiving responsibilities persists, even when financial contributions are equal.

As Talijan says, “The journey of motherhood is a huge mental load and there is always something to do and someone to take care of, but you deserve to be on that list.”

Yet, so often, moms are expected to embrace martyrdom—to sacrifice everything for their families and expect nothing in return. “Anyone who is forcing the rhetoric that becoming a mom means that you need to be a martyr does not care about women,” Talijan states plainly. And she’s right. Moms shouldn’t have to set themselves on fire to keep their families warm.

Related: Nearly 1 in 3 parents have considered suicide or self-harm—American parents are in crisis

2. Employers need to support moms, not punish them

Most mothers don’t want to “lean out” of the workforce—they want flexible work options that allow them to balance career and caregiving. But instead of expanding flexibility post-pandemic, many employers are rolling it back.

A significant share of moms with young children face tough choices when it comes to balancing work and family—according to McKinsey’s Women in the Workplace report, 38% say that without workplace flexibility, they would have to quit or reduce their work hours. Yet companies continue to push return-to-office mandates and penalize mothers for prioritizing family responsibilities. This leaves many moms scrambling to balance their careers with childcare, school schedules, and everything else on their plates.

If we want moms to thrive, employers need to stop seeing flexibility as a perk and start recognizing it as a necessity.

Related: It’s time for employers to stop penalizing parents who take paid family leave

3. Government policies need to stop failing moms

The U.S. is still one of the only industrialized countries without paid maternity leave. Affordable childcare is out of reach for millions of families. Stay-at-home moms contribute billions of dollars in unpaid labor to society each year, yet receive no Social Security benefits for their work.

While self-care tells moms to “take five minutes for themselves,” systemic change would ensure they actually have the support to do so. What would truly help moms? Policies like:

• Paid family leave so new moms don’t have to choose between bonding with their baby and making rent.

• Universal childcare so mothers aren’t spending their entire paycheck on daycare.

• Social Security credits for stay-at-home moms so their unpaid labor is valued in retirement.

• Caregiving benefits to support mothers who are also caring for elderly parents.

Amanda Talijan’s message is a powerful reminder that moms deserve to take care of themselves. But it’s also a reminder that self-care is just one piece of the puzzle.

“You deserve to take care of yourself every single day,” she says. And she’s right. But moms also deserve a society that actually supports them in doing so.

So yes—prioritize yourself. Take the break. Ask for help. But let’s also demand more from the partners, employers, and policies that have left moms carrying an impossible load for far too long. Because self-care shouldn’t just be a survival strategy—it should be something moms can actually enjoy.