People Who Didn't Marry For Love Are Revealing What Happened After, And I Have No Words
We recently asked people of the BuzzFeed Community who didn't marry for love to tell us why they got married and how things turned out. Here's what they had to say:
1."I married a person family members felt was right for me. Even he was pressured by family into marrying me. I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him because I remember playing with him growing up, and I considered him to be like an older brother. After marriage, things got worse because his family members were toxic, and he was also unsupportive towards me. We were also incompatible and hardly saw eye to eye. Despite that, we stayed together because of the kids."
"Fast-forward a couple of years and a couple of kids later, we stayed together for the sake of the children and because we realized that no one was going to be perfect as a partner; there is no such thing as an ideal partner. You just have to make it work!"
2."I got married because I felt trapped. I had no family support system, and my spouse's parents loved me. But he was violent and controlling, and when I tried to leave, he forbade me from taking my car. I went to the bouquet-making party with his many aunts and lied about why my face was bruised, saying I tripped over the cat. It took me five times to leave him for good, and there was a nasty custody battle. He only wanted custody because my child was the only thing I truly loved, and he knew it would hurt me."
"His rich family paid for everything. When my child was 22, she was not being treated for schizophrenia, and he took her out drinking. He was pulled over, and she jumped out of his car, scared of the police and the lights, and ran into a private lawn. The second trooper jumped the curb, pursued her with his vehicle, and when she tripped and fell, he ran over her head. My child lived to be 22, and I hold him even more responsible than the cop who killed her."
3."I had a five-year relationship with a lovely woman I met at the university. We were having some issues (too complicated to describe) during the last few months, so we decided to go to a psychological counselor for couples therapy. I ended up sleeping with the therapist and marrying her. Worst decision of my life. I lost probably the only woman who ever truly loved me."
"As a bonus, I am tightly constricted, and I have to have my wife's permission for pretty much anything and everything, and I am not allowed to have friends without her permission (so no woman whatsoever). ... Serves me right, I guess. Karma is a b**ch."
4."I literally planned my whole life and wrote it in a diary at age 12. Those plans included being married by 30. I married my best friend at 29, regretted it the same night, and had it annulled in less than 90 days. Good times!"
—Anonymous, 34, Tennessee
5."I got married to get away from my controlling mother. This sounds horrible, but she is and still is a very traditional Catholic old-school type. Even though I was going to college and maintaining a job to support myself, she felt the need to control me. She would always call, ask where I am and with whom, and say I must get home immediately. The way I was raised, it was 'wrong' to stand up for myself. She made me fearful of her. ... Growing up that way, you feel like you have no options. One day, I met my husband at work. We clicked instantly; he was sweet, kind, and caring. He gave me the courage to slowly get away from her, but of course, being the controlling person she was. She made it unbearable to date him."
"...It was getting to the point I just couldn’t do it anymore. My boyfriend (husband now) knew the mental toll it was taking on me. He said let’s elope so he could put me on his insurance. That way, I could focus on my degree, and it would help me get away from my mother. So we did; we eloped within three months of dating. We didn’t love each other, but our love grew slowly. Now, we have two beautiful daughters and four dogs. While we didn’t marry initially for love, it grew into something real and not forced. That’s not to say we didn’t have problems, but we worked through it together. I can’t say I recommend people getting married the way we did, but I found my person. We’ve been married 10 years now, and my love for him grows increasingly every day."
—Anonymous, 33, Colorado
6."I felt pressured to marry by my mother and friends. I was living paycheck to paycheck and barely scraping by, and my mother was constantly after me: 'What's wrong with you? When are you going to settle down? I want grandchildren before I'm too old.' I liked my spouse but was not in love with him. I thought that true, deep love and soulmates were just another Cinderella myth, so I settled for less just to shut everyone up."
"He died, and now, I'm too old for the fairy tale. I feel like I truly lost the chance to love and be loved deeply."
—Anonymous, 71, Texas
7."I had an arranged marriage. It was my and my husband's choice to let our parents decide. They focused on long-term factors like education, security, family, culture, and values. Of course, if you cannot tell, we are Indian. We didn't marry for love but fell in love through the years. We are both strong personalities that clash often. But I will confidently say that we have built a friendship, bond, and partnership that has kept us together for 18 years and counting."
"What started with making our parents happy has given us a future full of promise. Perhaps this is love!"
—Anonymous, 44, Illinois
8."This was the 1980s. I was desperate to get out of my parents' house. No physical abuse, just over-the-top control. Even with a decent-paying full-time job after college, I was forbidden to move out on my own. My husband was the first person I ever dated (at age 22) and the first to ever stick around after meeting my parents. We are still married and have two grown kids (themselves married), but after 35 years, we are roommates."
"I needed to have dated more, but again, I was desperate to get out."
—Anonymous, 63, USA
9."After two failed marriages (I was married for a total of 33 years where both women were loyal for the first two years, and I was told constantly how much they loved me, but I didn't know what love felt like in a marriage), I just heard the word. Then, I met my current wife; she has a very positive attitude about life. Her living situation was not good; she had no money and was almost destitute because she was so trusting and forgiving she had been taken advantage of by others. I entered this relationship with compassion instead of lust in my heart."
"I married her because I wanted to keep her in my life; in her culture, it's important for a woman to be married and not just live with someone; her family would be embarrassed by that living situation. We've been married for five years, and I've never been happier in a marriage. I feel the love instead of hearing the word all the time. We help and support each other every day. I come home to a happy wife with a smile, and her actions show me how much she cares for me."
—Anonymous, 65, Texas
10."He was the best guy I have ever met, and I chose not to trust my brain when I was indifferent to marrying him. He just had all the green flags and checked all the boxes. I wasn't head over heels in love, but the dating pool is awful, and my husband was and objectively is a really, really great guy. We're still together. We're happy. There isn't anything 'wrong' with our relationship — I just never had a 'he's my soulmate' feeling."
"I honestly don't even know what that would look or feel like."
—Anonymous, 34, Minnesota
11."I met him when I was 17, and he was 23. We were on and off for years. I got pregnant at 21. He was leaving for the military, and I didn't want an abortion. Three years later, we got married because he wanted to be with his child full-time, and I was desperate to get away from my narcissistic, abusive mother. I cried at the courthouse during the wedding because I knew we weren't 'in love,' but I needed him to get me out of where I was. Our marriage lasted four years."
"I've been in no contact with my mother for 20 years, and I have a wonderful relationship with my child. That wouldn't have happened had I not married his father; I'll always be grateful for that."
—Anonymous, 48, Virginia
12."I do love my husband in a caring, sweet way, but I don't have a ton of sexual or romantic attraction to him. We started when I was 18, and he was 20 during my first semester of college. I had been with guys I was attracted to but mistreated me before I found him. He actually treated me very well, which was a welcomed change! I kept telling myself that one day, something would click, and he'd finally give me butterflies like other boyfriends or crushes I'd had. I figured we'd break up if I didn't get them at some point because I had never been in a relationship that lasted longer than four months before him. I don't dislike or hate having sex or being intimate with him, but it doesn't feel anywhere near as good as it had with past exes or flings. It didn't feel bad, but it wasn't amazing either."
"I figured I should just be grateful to have a boyfriend and one who treated me with respect and as an equal. I knew many women whose partners were more of a man-child than an equal contributor, and my husband was MUCH better than that. I also am a size 22, and very few men are willing to give me a chance at my weight. Plus, I had stayed right by his side when he was hospitalized during my senior year, and he took great care of me when I busted my knee right before our first Disney vacation together. I felt like I owed it to him to marry him because he was head over heels in love with me. We took really good care of each other, and the only real thing that wasn't 'perfect' was our sex life on my end. So, I went through with the engagement and our wedding, even though I felt mildly settling because I knew I didn't have many other choices. I didn't want to break his heart, and I at least could be taken care of with him."
—Anonymous, 24, USA
13."I got married out of spite. My fiancé's ex got pregnant and said he was the father so that he would marry her. Since she wanted to screw up my plans, I went through with the marriage to screw up hers. He supported the child and continued lying to me. I didn't care because having both our incomes made my life easier. I divorced him after moving halfway across the country and six years of marriage."
"He got remarried but not to the ex-girlfriend."
—Anonymous, 65, USA
14."I had recently left an unhappy, long relationship, and my biological clock was so close to running out that I thought it might already be too late. I wasn't sure whether I was okay being childless or if I had some FOMO about it. I met what seemed to be a sweet man who was immediately smitten with me. He was good-looking and seemed sensible and mature enough. We got along well while dating. I got caught up in his flattery, his kindness, and his obvious desire for a child, so I agreed to go off birth control and see what happened. I became pregnant immediately, so we got married. Physically, he wasn't my type, and I was never very attracted to him, though he always made me feel pretty and wanted. I soon realized he had several personal problems he had misrepresented — including addiction, anger management, and financial issues."
"Those escalated to a point where we had to find compromises that allowed us to co-exist as a 'happy family' until our child grew up. We were polar opposites of the recent political separation of our country, and his worst habits gradually came back with a vengeance. I sometimes think his fiercely loyal love of our child is the only thing that allowed me out safely, as he was very angry and somewhat frightening when I finally asked him to leave."
—Anonymous, 60, USA
15."I come from a family of larger women, and from a young age, I was made to believe that, as an obese woman, I would 'have to take what I could get' IF I were lucky enough to be offered anything. Life seemed to validate this belief, as I was always the 'fat best friend' rather than the 'girlfriend.' So, I ended up marrying the first person who asked. It hasn't been a horrible marriage — he's a good father, contributes 50-60% of the household income, and is generally a nice guy. However, our partnership's emotional and spiritual aspects leave much to be desired."
"I don't necessarily regret the decision, though. After going through my own mental health journey in recent years, I realize that without accepting his proposal, I wouldn't have had a family at all. It would have taken me far too long to work through my issues, build the self-confidence I have now, and find a partner who matched that. Our kids are pretty amazing, so I can't regret that, for sure. I believe in reincarnation, so maybe in my next life, I'll experience a true 'love affair.'"
—Anonymous, 48, Texas
16."Forty years ago, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at a club. We left together, and that night, I got pregnant. We were not in love with each other, but both his and my parents pressured us to get married because 'it was the right thing to do.' A few years later we had our second child. We divorced after 15 years of a loveless and resentful marriage."
"When asked if I would do it all over again, all I can say is that I have two wonderful children and three absolutely beautiful grandchildren."
—63 USA
And finally...
17."I married my partner because we recently had a baby together and were looking to get permanent residency in the US. When we started dating, I wasn't 'in love' or infatuated with him, but I knew he was someone I thought would be good to date and get to know. Shortly after we started dating (a month or two), I realized I was pregnant. We had a baby together even before celebrating our first anniversary. We have been married 12 years now, and I can say that was the BEST decision to stay and put the work into making what has become a very happy marriage."
"It was a scary step at the time with many unknowns, but we took it one day at a time."
—Anonymous, USA
If you married for other reasons than love, we want to hear your story. Feel free to comment below, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
