34 Women Revealed The Moment They Knew They Were Practically Invisible To Their Partners, And It's Unbelievably Sad

We asked women of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the most inconsiderate things their husbands or boyfriends have ever done, and frankly, the responses took a more somber turn. Many of the stories women submitted centered around feeling invisible in their relationships. Though the stories are upsetting, they're important to share as they highlight an alarming but all-too-common problem people, particularly women, face behind closed doors in partnerships. Here's what they shared:

Warning: Some stories in this post discuss injury and illness, pregnancy and labor complications, pregnancy loss, mental health, upsetting relationship dynamics, and other sensitive subjects.

1."My ex-husband was extremely self-centered. I had to have a biopsy for a breast tumor. He dropped me off at the hospital and went to work out because he said I was going to be asleep and wouldn't know if he was there or not. I woke up by myself, extremely nauseated from the anesthetic, and the nurse said she had been out in the waiting room calling his name, and he never answered. I said that was because he wasn't there. He just dropped me off. She was really pissed because she said I was supposed to have someone with me. Also, he would not come in the room with me during labor or delivery because he thought it was gross! There were thousands of other things, including affairs. I'm so happy to be by myself after 30 years of marriage."

—Anonymous

2."I had a difficult, three-day birth that led to a C-section. Recovery was hard. I couldn't use the stairs easily when I got home, so I stayed upstairs all day. The kitchen was downstairs. My parents were with us, taking care of me for a while. When they left, I reminded my then-husband that I needed food brought up to me before he left for work. He brought me a piece of toast with nothing on it. A piece of toasted bread for his wife, who was nursing his baby."

—Anonymous

3."My husband invited his best friend to come along on our honeymoon. And his friend accepted."

—Anonymous

4."I was carrying a full laundry basket down the stairs and missed a step. I fell down a full flight of stairs. I was bruised and shaken but miraculously not seriously hurt. My husband was watching a rerun of Star Trek on television just around the corner, feet away from where I fell. I said I couldn't believe that he did not hear me fall. He said that he did hear me fall but thought that if I were hurt, I would call for help. I stayed with him for two more years (and plotted my exit) until our children started school. When I filed for divorce, it was well thought out and from a position of strength. I have never wondered if it was the right thing to do."

—Anonymous

5."I was involved in a car accident. My car was totaled, and I injured my back and pulled muscles, so I started having back spasms. Movement caused the spasms. My husband had an upcoming golf trip with club members where he worked. I could not sleep and was very sore. My doctor gave me a list of things I couldn't do, which was everything. He left for his golf trip on Thursday. He walked out while I was crying on the couch. He called me from the trip and apologized but did not come home until Sunday."

—Anonymous

6."I had to have emergency surgery for a burst appendix on my birthday. I was in the hospital for six days. I was very weak when I got home and couldn't stand more than a few seconds before needing to lie down. My ex didn’t do anything to help out around the house. Not dishes, laundry, or general cleaning. I ended up doing it all, including cooking my own meals."

—Anonymous

7."At a New Year's party, during the countdown to midnight, everyone went to their girlfriends and/or wives and kissed them. My husband went straight to the food table and left me standing alone. Yes, that was embarrassing and heartbreaking for me. Never kissed him again...ever!"

—Anonymous

8."Once, I wasn't feeling well for over a week and had a bad sinus infection. I finally went to the doctor and started an antibiotic that evening. Our toddler was still getting up almost every night, so I asked my husband to manage the kid and let me sleep in the guest room. I had an allergic reaction to the medicine and woke up violently ill in the middle of the night. I was calling for him and texting him, and I thought I needed to go to the hospital. He found me in the morning passed out in the bathroom. He heard me getting sick and was annoyed he was being woken up again. He never checked on me and put his phone on silent after my first text. I was shocked. I lost a lot of trust and never looked at him the same. He has shown this side of himself many times over. Needless to say, I am not thrilled at the idea of growing old with someone so selfish."

—Anonymous

9."For my birthday the first year we were married, he asked what I wanted, and I told him to surprise me. I received a box of tampons. He said he wanted to give me something I would use, as I wasn't ready to have children, and he thought he was. I stayed married to him for nearly 20 years and finally found the courage to divorce him, unfortunately, after having children with him."

—Anonymous

10."I had back surgery (eight screws placed in my neck) and came home on a Friday. He left me alone for over six hours on Saturday while he bowled in a tournament."

—Anonymous

11."It was our 10th Christmas together. We had moved into a new house on December 1 and were fully settled in, fully unpacked, and hosting Christmas only for desserts and drinks in the late afternoon. He is fully retired, I work full time, and we are empty nesters. In previous years, I received beautiful jewelry, clothes, and very generous gifts. That Christmas, he had nothing for me. No stocking, no gift. I had a bursting stocking and many gifts for him. He said he got too busy, but later on Christmas Day, he went online and ordered me new car floor mats, which would be a joint gift for Christmas and my birthday on December 27. It was weeks before he apologized. If he wanted to stop exchanging gifts or do something more simple, I would've been very open to that. At our age, we don't really need anything. But to simply stop was callous and cold. And it was part of the many changes he unilaterally kept making in our relationship until I left."

—Anonymous

12."A few years ago, I planned an anniversary trip to Paris. This was our first anniversary out of the country, so I wanted to make it special. I planned several events before and after the actual day but thought he would make plans for the actual anniversary day. I even provided suggestions. The day came, and he had nothing planned. I was so upset and devastated that he didn't even try to plan a dinner, lunch, or something! I still bring it up periodically because it really hurts me. He's made up for it since then, but you can't go back in time and change Paris on your anniversary."

—Anonymous

13."He promised me a party for my 50th birthday. Starting on my 47th birthday, he kept saying, 'Just wait until your 50th. I'll throw you a huge party.' It was the same every year. I'd get maybe a card or dinner, but nothing special. He'd say, 'Just wait.' So I checked out venues and even reminded people to save the date. Meanwhile, he was doing NOTHING in the way of plans. We finally went out to dinner with my family. My sister put up decorations at her place for the cake, etc. While I gave my little talk, he sat in the back and chatted. I was so hurt and disappointed that I teared up thinking about it for years. The reason there was no party? His brother called to inquire, and hubby told him, 'I had a rough quarter at work, and I just wasn't up to it.' Looking back, I realized he was probably a narcissist all along."

—Anonymous

14."My boyfriend and I have been together 13 years. I have no children, but he has five. Long story short, I am never acknowledged on Mother's Day. He said, 'You have never given birth, so you can't be celebrated on Mother's Day.' We are still together, barely, but this hurt me to my core. Also, two of the grown kids still live at home."

—Anonymous

15."The first morning of our honeymoon, I woke up to find my husband gone. He had taken off to go surfing. On my first Mother's Day with my son, I had a bad case of the flu. I woke up to my baby crying and, again, no husband. He was off surfing. When he got home, he gave me a lint brush as a present and no apology. I was heartbroken."

—Anonymous

16."I was six months pregnant, and our house was pretty old. I was cleaning the stove, and it electrocuted me. It went up one arm and out the other. It knocked me to the ground. I was worried and wanted to make sure my baby was okay. My husband didn't think that was necessary, so he got in the shower and said I was fine. I said I was going to the ER, and he said go! So I drove myself to the hospital. Everything was fine, but he really hurt me when he didn't put our child first (or me)."

—Anonymous

17."I was put on complete bed rest for the last four months of pregnancy with our third child due to pre-term labor complications. We already had a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old, so this was tough. I had to take a leave from work, and my children's father/my husband of 10 years still needed to work. I moved in with my mother so she could help with my other children. I needed a nurse to come daily for medication injections and fetal well checks. I could only get up to shower once every other day for 10 minutes. At first, my husband would come and hang out with the kids and me every night after he got off work. That quickly turned into every-other-day visits, then we'd see him once a week, but for shorter and shorter times. He never brought groceries or toiletries or helped pay for all the items my mother supplied for my kids and me. He expected her to just handle it because 'that's what good grandmas do.'"

"When I would bring up names for our new child, he would make lousy excuses about why it was too hard for him to think about things like that. My oldest child and I chose a perfect name for his baby brother the week before his birth. My husband never asked how, where, or why that was the baby's name. When I finally went into labor and my husband got to the hospital, he said, 'I hope this doesn't take long. Do you think this will be more than two hours? The new Star Wars is out, and I have tickets for the first showing.' This was 1999.

The final straw came three years later when I cut my hand while making dinner. The knife went all the way through my palm. It was an unpleasant sight, to say the least. My husband stormed into the kitchen and said in a snotty, angry tone, 'I suppose this means dinner is going to be late!'

I filed for divorce the very next business day. It was the hardest but best thing I did for my kids and me."

—Anonymous

18."My husband doesn't attend my family's functions, including holidays, save Thanksgiving. He works for the government and has plenty of sick/annual leave saved up. When I ask him if he's coming to a gathering for my family, he responds that he doesn't know and ultimately ends up not coming. When I press harder for things like Christmas, New Year's, or even a random weekend here and there to visit, he says he's trying to save his leave for a vacation (which he never takes). I can tell this hurts my family's feelings as much as mine because they only see him a few times a year and see me often. I understand having mandatory days to work, but at the same time, he has no issue taking time off for his own family's functions or just lounging around at home for a day."

"It's just insulting at this point, and when I visit my family, I feel as though I'm not even married anymore. We've been married for almost five years and together for almost seven. He used to be so much more involved, and I'm considering ending things and citing this as just one of many reasons."

—Anonymous

19."I had a difficult pregnancy with our daughter. I was bleeding at the end and was afraid to be home alone. He went to a concert, and his mom stayed with me and our 3-year-old. He admits now it was a bad choice."

—Anonymous

20."I had always wanted to get married. I even told my husband it was important to me on our second date. Six years later, we finally got engaged (after several years of excuses) because I jokingly asked him to marry me as part of a 'bit' we were doing. You can imagine my surprise when he started telling people we were engaged after that (and yes, he knew it was not an 'official' proposal). Since I didn't get a proposal like I wanted, I told him how I felt it was important that we each write our own vows for the wedding. I would give him gentle reminders for the months leading up to our wedding to see if he had written his, but I didn't want to nag. The week of the wedding rolls around, and he tells me he isn't comfortable doing personal vows in front of people. I'm disappointed, but I understand he has some stage fright, and I agree to do them privately on the day itself."

"He woke me up at 3 a.m. the day of our wedding because he couldn't sleep and suggested we do our vows. I pulled mine up on my phone, read them aloud, and then waited for him to do the same. This man did not write ANYTHING down, and it was clear he didn't memorize what he said. His vows were wholly improvised. To make matters worse, he organized his sentences around the themes from a ridiculous YouTube series we like, and they didn't make any sense. I went through with the wedding that day because we'd been together seven years at that point, and while I was disappointed, I wasn't that surprised at his lack of follow-through.

Things went steeply downhill after that, though, and we divorced after less than a year of marriage. As with all breakups, mistakes were made on both sides, but I could never forgive him for not writing me vows when I told him how important it was to me."

—Anonymous

21."My husband used to be in a band. He was out of town on my first Mother's Day, which was only one month after my C-section. He flew home that day and stopped by his mom's to take her out to dinner. He came home at 8:30 that night and handed me the carnation his mom got from the Mexican restaurant he took her to."

—Anonymous

22."It was my first relationship, and we were long-distance. We had been friends for a few years before dating, and because we were in different states and I was away at school, I made it a priority to check in with him every day, and in particular, to make sure he didn't feel alone on the holidays or his birthday. When my birthday was coming around, plans fell through with my housemates/friends due to an early school closure, and everyone left to go home (I was the only out-of-state student and couldn't fly back on short notice). I felt really lonely since it would be my first birthday on my own, but I was still looking forward to hearing from him, especially when he promised to call me on my birthday and cheer me up. He never did, though."

"I got a text from him at 10 p.m. saying, 'Happy birthday!' and when I asked him the day after why he didn't call, he said he 'thought I was going to call him.' I reminded him that he had said he would call me, and then he finally admitted he just got nervous. At the time, I felt like I couldn't be upset with him because of his anxiety and because of my fear of making a big deal of things. But I was hurt by that broken promise and his lack of follow-up, and it killed many of my romantic feelings for him."—Anonymous

23."My then-boyfriend and I got a house together that year. Actually, I got the house and was paying all the bills, including the groceries. I asked him to pay for electricity, and he acted like I was asking way too much of him. We both worked. I was putting a bunch of presents under the tree that Christmas and noticed that he put nothing under there each day. I was also far from home, so my family was on the other side of the country. Come Christmas morning, there were no presents for me, and he rushed in at the last minute with $50 inside of a card. That was the end of it. We didn't last more than a few months after that."

—Anonymous

24."I had been diagnosed with depression. It was an awful time for me. My therapist wanted my husband to come with me to talk about my treatment. My husband said no, and I was the 'crazy one,' not him. That's when I realized just how little I meant to him."

—Anonymous

25."My husband bought a house I did not want. It needed an incredible amount of work. He always had a list of things for me to do each day in that house. I worked hard to do them while driving my three children to three different schools that year and trying to attend their sporting events, do laundry, and cook meals. One day, I had awful chest pains and simply could not do anymore. It was a Sunday, so I went to my doctor the next day, and he immediately had me put in the hospital. It wasn't a heart attack, but it was going to be if I didn't slow down. The event left me very weak, and I had to use nitroglycerin patches for pain. I was lying in bed four days later, and my husband came in and said his secretary was leaving, and I had to get up and go to the office to fill in. Never mind how weak I was."

"Foolishly, I did it but could only work one hour a day. That made him angry, but I couldn't do any better at that time. The house never got done before I said I'd had it. This was only one of many things. I told him I could no longer live his life, and I divorced him."

—Anonymous

26."When I was pregnant, our water was turned off because of some work we were having done. I had filled a water bottle to cover me for the day, and my husband poured all of it into the dog dish and said the dogs were thirsty and I could ask the neighbors for more. Also, during that same pregnancy, he wouldn't scrape the ice off my car in the driveway, so I tried to do it myself and fell."

—Anonymous

27."One Christmas, he didn't give me a gift and laughed about it when I asked about it. He picked out gifts for all his office staff, though. Next Christmas, he gave me a lighter with the logo of a company he represented. I didn't smoke. Needless to say, after that, I stopped recognizing his birthday and gave him no Christmas presents. He got the message, but it was too late. After all the put-downs and thoughtlessness, I lost all love for him. I divorced him and never looked back. A few years later, I ended up renewing a relationship with an old boyfriend who put me first and treated me with respect. I ended up marrying him."

—Anonymous

28."The entire time I was in labor with our son, my husband sat on the couch 20 feet away reading the Wall Street Journal and ignoring me. Finally, the nurse screamed at him and told him to get involved and start helping. Later, when I told him how hurtful that was, he said he thought helping was the doctor's job. When I brought it up later, he said he couldn’t remember it and wouldn’t apologize for something he couldn’t remember."

—Anonymous

29."I found a lump in my breast. While waiting weeks to get the results of a test for breast cancer, my husband refused to let me talk about how scared I was because 'he didn't want to worry until we knew the results.' He said it was rude of me to make him think about it. When the test came back negative, he still didn't want to talk about it because 'who cares if you're not sick?' Years later, he had to wait for the results of a prostate cancer scare. Guess who couldn't stop talking about how scared he was? He told me I was inconsiderate and petty when I said I didn't want to discuss it 24/7. He was a narcissist, and we're happily divorced now."

—Anonymous

30."For my husband's 40th, we took an expensive family trip. Then, when his best friend turned 40, we spent a lot of money renting a venue and food and invited many people. It was my turn three years later. I told my husband I wanted to go to a mountain cabin with him and about six friends. I didn't want to host a party at my house because of all the pre and post-cleaning and prep I always did alone. I didn't want anything expensive; I just wanted my close friends to hang out for a weekend. The week of my birthday, I found out he was scrambling to make plans and ended up inviting about 40 people over to our house for a surprise party. He went out of town three days before the party and came home the day before."

"He did the exact opposite of what I asked for, and I didn't ask for anything near what we did for him and his friend. I ended up cleaning, cooking, preparing, finding childcare, and cleaning up the day after. I'm still furious about it."

—Anonymous

31."I'm a musician, and for our anniversary a few years ago, I wrote and recorded a love song about our relationship. I sent him a link to the video with a heartfelt message chronicling our history. Although he was responding to other texts, he didn't respond to the song or the heartfelt message. At all. I couldn't figure out if he couldn't be bothered to take the time to listen or just forgot. Either way, I was hurt. It made me think about and reevaluate our relationship and marriage of over 20 years. I realized that I had been carrying the entire mental and emotional load of our relationship, all the child-rearing, and anything to do with our home or life together in general. It was eye-opening to realize the minimal effort he put into our life together."

"I communicated with him about it and asked that he step up to the plate more and make more effort. He is trying but has difficulty responding to my requests without getting down on himself, which makes me feel bad for asking. At this point, I don't know what the future holds. He is a good provider for our family, loves his kids, and will help when asked and instructed. But I want someone who feels like an equal partner in our relationship, not another child I need to parent. I don't know if I can ever return to where I was emotionally when I wrote that song for him."

—Anonymous

32."Every holiday or anniversary, my husband asks 'if I want anything.' I always say no. When will it occur to him to make the smallest effort to get me a gift? We've been together for 40 years. You would think he could figure out something I might like."

—Anonymous

33."I had been dealing with infertility for eight years and finally was pregnant. At eight weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night with severe pain. At the ER, it was discovered that I had an ectopic pregnancy and would need emergency surgery. I was devastated that I couldn't keep my baby safe and I could die if I didn't have the surgery. What did my husband do instead of staying with me at the hospital? He went to work. He is a self-employed professional who claimed no one could cover for him. He never thought of canceling his appointments. What did this teach me? I cannot count on him regarding anything important to me, which, unfortunately, has been proven repeatedly."

—Anonymous

34.And: "I've been married to the same man for 52 years. He has never bought me a birthday present. Our son always calls on my birthday, and I always put our kids on speakerphone. Our son would usually call at 8:30 or 9 p.m., and with the speaker on, my husband hears our son wish me a happy birthday. Only after I hang up does he sheepishly wish me a happy birthday. Then, he asks why I don't remind him. My birthday is June 17 every year, but he can't put a reminder on his phone for my birthday like he does for his family. I'm just not important to him, I guess."

—Anonymous

My heart goes out to those who shared and those who have experienced something similar but remained quiet. I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced, and I wish you nothing but healing and happiness. If you've ever been in a relationship that made you feel invisible, and you'd like to share your story, you're invited to do so using this anonymous form.

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.