‘I usually celebrate Christmas with my ex and our daughter - now he wants me to spend it alone’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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My ex and I split up in 2020. We have one daughter together, we split when she was five. He bought me out of our home a year later. Ever since we split, I would stay at his house on Christmas Eve in our daughter’s bed. We would spend all of Christmas Day together and I would cook for his family and go home on Boxing Day while my daughter would stay with her dad. He now has a relatively new partner. She has a son who is a few years younger than my daughter and he goes to his dad’s on Christmas Day. Last year he asked me to leave his house with my daughter at 5pm on Christmas Day so he could have time with his partner, which I did.
This year he has told me he wants to have half of Christmas Day with our daughter on his own. This will leave me at home on my own. I have said absolutely not, I’m not going to be without her, and if he doesn’t want to spend time in my company that’s his choice. He’s basically said that things have changed and what did I expect? He and his new partner are moving in together next year and he is relocating to Kent which is an hour’s drive from us in London. Last year I suggested his partner join us after her son goes to his dad’s but she didn’t want to. I’m so upset that it’s come to this. I was always so proud of how well we were managing co-parenting. I can’t think objectively because I am so upset. He didn’t even raise it with me until I asked him about the plans. My question is, am I being unreasonable to expect our long-standing arrangement not to change?
Lala says…
I can understand why this must feel so upsetting. You’ve been proud of the co-parenting dynamic you worked so hard to create and now it feels like it’s shifting because of another woman. It is very normal to feel pricked by that. Especially because this has just been sprung on you. He didn’t communicate it well in advance and leave you room to make plans or to navigate a compromise. It must feel as though he has just dictated this decision to you and that he is putting his partner’s needs first. He could have been more thoughtful about how this might feel to you and communicated better. It must also sting that you could all be together if she hadn’t declined to do that. I completely sympathise with how it feels, like your needs aren’t being considered and you don’t have a say in this. I can see how the fact that he’s moving further away from his daughter to be with her has added an extra layer of concern that your great co-parenting dynamic is breaking down.
So, you’re not being at all unreasonable in feeling upset, but you were maybe being a little unrealistic in thinking that your long-standing arrangement was never going to change, but change doesn’t have to mean breakdown. The arrangements that you made when you first separated weren’t going to be set in stone forever, especially if one or other of you got a partner and as your daughter gets older. It’s a shame that you can’t do it all together and it is rubbish that you feel so left out of all this, but it’s happening and you can’t put your foot down and force yourself to be there. You have to find a way of accepting and adapting to the new arrangement. It is reasonable for him to shift his day around to accommodate his new partner and I expect that you would want the same flexibility if you met someone you wanted to spend your Christmas Day with. Again, he’s gone about it in the wrong way, and it could have been handled better with more room for discussion and compromise, but it wasn’t and so if you want to maintain some semblance of your harmonious co-parenting routine then this might be something that you just need to learn to live with.
Ultimately, this really boils down to what’s best for your daughter. To keep Christmas Day as happy and magical for her as possible you need to move on from this, what’s best for her is what matters. You could request from him that in future if he wants to suggest new changes to any arrangements you would appreciate it if he could communicate in advance and be open to compromise rather than just dictating changes to you. But for now, it sounds like he’s selfishly made the plan and that’s just how it is.
You could argue til you’re blue in the face but what’s the point? Christmas Day would probably end up being full of resentment and anger on both sides anyway. Is it too late to make other plans with people, family or friends? People love welcoming in others on Christmas Day, don’t feel ashamed to reach out and see if anyone is up for getting merry with you. And if you end up on your own for half the day then so be it, it’s not the worst thing that could happen in the world. There will be some great movies on the telly and you can curl up and indulge yourself and not have to look after anyone else. There’s lots of positives to being alone. See it as solitude and relish it.
