Can’t stop thinking about your partner’s ex? You’re not alone

I’d like to think it’s no longer standard to impulsively demonize a partner’s ex. But even the super secure are not immune to a bit of what experts call retroactive jealousy. In pop culture, it’s still a common theme: in Obsessed, Olivia Rodrigo fixates on a boyfriend’s ex. Most of Gracie Abrams’s Secret of Us, Sabrina Carpenter’s Taste and Banks & Doechii’s I hate your ex-girlfriend also betray similar compulsive thoughts about a partner’s former lover.

Yet as common as the feeling is, fixating on a partner’s ex(es) remains taboo for many reasons – least of all the social imperative that healthy people are meant to be above all that.

At the very least, most of us are curious about partners’ dating histories – though if your Google searches are starting to resemble a true crime fanatic’s, that could hijack the vibes of the current relationship and your own life. What is it about a partner’s ex that makes logic and reason scarce as soon as we’re in love? And why is it still so embarrassing to talk about when so many of us experience this feeling?

Why partners’ exes are so triggering

Suzanna, 34, from Halifax describes herself as “very reliant on structure”. Conversely, her husband lived abroad for a year with his ex-girlfriend. “I sometimes wonder if my husband wishes I could be less rigid and more free, like his ex,” she said.

While she knows her feelings aren’t logical, she told her husband that hearing about his time with his ex bothered her, and he was understanding about it. “I guess her adventurous qualities made me feel like I was lacking. Australia as a whole was on my shit list for a while!”

“Exes can trigger insecurities and fears that go beyond the relationship itself,” said Lucas Saiter, a therapist and director at Manhattan Therapy NYC Practice. “For someone who feels unsure about their own worth or their partner’s feelings, an ex might symbolize qualities they think they lack or even competition for their partner’s attention. It’s really more about internal struggles than the ex themselves.”

A partner’s dating history full of cool, interesting people initially may make them appear more attractive, but may then become a stressor. Emily, an architect from Paris, recalls that a former partner and his ex “were astrophysicists, and even after they broke up they would spend lots of time talking about a subject I just couldn’t contribute to. At the time I was feeling particularly lost in my career and she was so cool; she was on track to be an astronaut, flying planes and researching super-interesting space weather stuff with my ex. I couldn’t see what he could find interesting about me in comparison.”

Sometimes it’s as simple as knowing that there was someone before you. Even though there were no actual incidents of infidelity to prompt this, novelist Olivia Gatwood explored her anxieties about being cheated on through therapy. “ Underneath all of this was a fear of being blindsided – of not being able to see it coming,” she explained. “ What’s complicated and hard is that you’re not totally wrong. You might be jealous of an ex who was really meaningful to your partner, or who is really physically attractive – you’re not making these things up.”

Social media can make it even worse

Many of us have probably found ourselves Googling a partner’s ex online. “Social media makes it [tricky] because it’s right there, so accessible. You can convince yourself it’s harmless, but afterward, it often leaves people feeling worse, like they’ve betrayed their own values or crossed a boundary they didn’t mean to,” Saiter explains. “That’s where the secrecy comes in; it doesn’t feel good, so they tend to keep it to themselves.”

Gatwood agrees that this kind of obsession can result in debilitating loneliness. “It feels infantile, immature and stupid. The only way I found any relief was by talking, realizing that I wasn’t alone in feeling it,” she says.

It’s natural to wonder where you size up in your partner’s relationship records. Rachel, 30, from Pittsburgh, wanted to know all the ways her partner’s ex may have been “better” than her: “My first serious [boyfriend] had an ex that wrote a book so I had to read the whole book to make sure it wasn’t too good.”

Annie, 29, from Washington DC was hung up on her fiance’s ex-wife despite him cutting off contact and explaining she wasn’t a great partner. “I just couldn’t shake how pretty I thought she was and was convinced that there’s no way my partner could be content with me compared to her,” she explained.

Saiter recommends a social media break: “It’s like hitting a reset button. Mindfulness can help people catch themselves when they’re spiraling, and therapy is a great space to unpack what’s driving the habit.”

Related: Should you share passcodes? Four rules of phone use for couples

It can be hard to resist sleuthing when so much information is at our fingertips. “What helped me most was when she set her accounts to private,” Suzanna says. “When I could no longer scroll through her Instagram, I no longer seemed to think about her and what she was like.”

You can replicate this barrier by logging off, muting or blocking the account. Gatwood is a firm believer in blocking as self-preservation. One partner’s ex told her they were sad when she blocked them. “I explained that it really has nothing to do with [them]. It’s not because I think you’re a bad person – it’s just because my brain can’t deal with it,” she said.

Meeting them can be helpful – sometimes

Not to get all know thy enemy, but I myself have emerged from an obsession pit, realizing what a non-issue something or someone was when I got to know them. That doesn’t mean you should befriend someone under false pretenses or aggressively pursue a connection with someone who doesn’t want to be in touch. But if there’s a mutual, cordial opportunity to meet, the reality is often much more mundane than you’ve imagined.

“Ultimately the thing which helped the most was getting to know her, and realizing she’s cool but as fucked up as all the rest of us,” Emily says about her partner’s astrophysicist ex.

Exes can also be a valuable source of information. Lily, 34, from Lebanon, recalled a former boyfriend who was friendly with an ex: “I think he, intentionally or not, made us compete for his affection. The funny part is when we met, we got along super well and actually bonded over his shitty behavior.”

Talking about it can help

Emotional security is one foundation for healthy relationships, says Saiter. That requires mutual trust between partners and handling each other’s vulnerabilities with grace and care. As mortifying as it might feel, talking to your partner about ex-anxiety is one way to rebuild security around it. “Using ‘I’ statements is key – something like, ‘I’ve been feeling a bit insecure, and I want to talk about it with you,’ instead of ‘You’re making me feel jealous,’” Saiter says.

Realizing how persistently intrusive and disruptive her jealousy was led Gatwood to discover that it was how her OCD manifests most profoundly. “ Acknowledging it as OCD was really helpful for me because I recognize that I’m not crazy – this is just the way that my brain is currently trying to protect me,” she said. “ [I’m] able to say, ‘Hey, I have OCD, and the way [it] manifests is in severe anxiety and even fear of exes. These are some things that really trigger me, these are ways that I feel most safe – is that something that you can navigate with me? Is that something that you take seriously? Is that something that you’re willing to have a conversation with me about?’”

If a partner is unwilling to address these conditions, she takes it as a sign of incompatibility. When she told her current partner about it, he asked about her fears and triggers and they worked through it together. Now, she said, she feels strong: “I actually can hear about his ex and it doesn’t make me upset because I feel safe to react in any way that I need to.”

As intimidating as it may be to broach this subject with your partner, “showing vulnerability can actually strengthen the relationship, as it invites your partner to support you rather than feel attacked”, Saiter explained. “Asking for their perspective or working together to build trust can make the conversation feel more collaborative and less confrontational.”

Past relationships can teach you to do better in current and future ones. All we can do is ask for the care that we need in relationships and hope that our partners can help strip our doubts of their intimidating proportions.