My Son’s Disabilities Don’t Mean He Can’t Make Friends

My 21-year-old son, Emerson, was born with a chromosome abnormality and only has some language.

Still, when he was in elementary school, a lot of the kids who came to our door at Halloween seemed to know him. They’d say, “Hey, Emerson! Hey, buddy!” When I asked the children how they’d met him, they told me they were part of a program at school that paired non-disabled and disabled students together.

When he was younger, Emerson was hyperactive and had a lot of trouble transitioning from one activity to another, so he’d get very frustrated. As he got older and matured, he calmed down a lot, but sometimes he still gets anxious.

When Emerson hit his teen years, I’d see other kids in the neighborhood playing baseball, having pizza parties and hanging out in the backyard, and there was my son, sitting at home alone. I’m a Chief Content Officer with a very hectic schedule, and I get things done — coworkers at one of my previous jobs used to joke that I was more productive by 9 a.m. than most people were all day! I wanted to find a way to help Emerson socialize with his peers. So one day I decided I’d try to get a few kids his age together. I asked my pastor if I could borrow the church rectory, which had an area on the main floor with couches and a big open space. Then I reached out to a couple of parents I knew who had teenagers with disabilities and sent a flyer to Emerson’s classroom describing the idea. I called the group We’ve Got Friends.

Every other week starting in the fall of 2017, I brought pizza, turned on some music and cobbled together an experience like a kid would have hanging out in a buddy’s basement. For about six months, Emerson and I were joined by three or four kids. After a year, we were averaging nine to 11. Then it really started to grow. Now we have six groups with up to 25 kids each, facilitated by trained teachers. Since 2019, we've served over 600 families in New Jersey. I’ve even hired a program director to keep the ship running.

We love organizations like Best Buddies, which arranges for volunteers to hang out or participate in activities alongside kids with various disabilities. We’ve Got Friends is intentionally a lot less structured than those types of groups so that they can socialize according to their comfort levels. Many of these kids have therapies to go to and lots of one-on-one help during and outside of school. With our group, they have friends and a space to hang out and be themselves.

Some of our kids have sensory issues and won’t even come in at first. But after a while they start talking, playing games, doing crafts or just listening to music. Other kids, like my son, Emerson, will watch and hang out. We’ve got everything from toys that light up and make sounds to board games for all levels. We do crafts for Mother’s Day; we dress up for Halloween. Sometimes parents ask, “Are you doing that therapy? This therapy?” and I say, “Nope.” I buy the kids pizza and soda, because teenagers eat pizza and drink soda. Just because they’re disabled doesn’t mean they don’t want to have fun.

It can be an adjustment for the parents not to hover too much. Sometimes parents will ask me, “What is he supposed to do? Should I make him go over there and play with those kids?” I tell them their child will find his way. Parents do have to stay, but I make them sit on the side and let their kids be.

Think about how when you’re upset or you’re happy or you get a great grade or fail a test, you call a friend. Imagine going through life without having that. These kids socialize differently, but their eyes light up when they’re together.

We’ve Got Friends hasn’t made just Emerson happier — my husband, Joe, our 15-year-old daughter, Lily, and I have benefited from the group too. Parenting a disabled teenager has an extra layer of challenges, and it can feel really isolating. Things like hormones, shaving, puberty and behavior challenges as they get bigger can be a lot to navigate. Parents have told me,“You have no idea what this means to our family. You have no idea what you’ve done for our child.” But it’s not just them. Having other parents around who really get what we’re going through made my family realize how much we all really needed this community as well.

Sometimes when you have a disabled kid and you’re invited to a barbecue with people you don’t know, it can be challenging and stressful. The other parents don’t know you and don’t know your kid, so anything that's perceived as different stands out.

But now we can go to one another’s houses and not worry about whether our kids are having an outburst or making an unusual sound or whatever. If that happens, nobody says a word or looks twice. Everyone can just let go and be themselves, and our disabled children are fully embraced. These other parents have become a really important part of our friend circle.

My husband works in finance, and he has a typical 9-to-5 schedule. When I’ve had to be out of town for work, he has stepped in and picked up the pizza and helped run things. Our daughter, Lily, has volunteered, too. She did craft tables, slime, nails. Some of her friends from school helped as well. And some of the kids in the group have siblings her age, so she’s become close with them. Lily also attended a workshop for siblings of disabled kids, which a couple of the other kids go to, because they can share something in common.

During Covid, we had group meetings virtually three times a week on Zoom. We did open mics, trivia, bingo, virtual dance parties. We had guest stars like Don Lemon from CNN come on. It’s actually become a whole new part of our business. When we went back to our physical groups, we kept our Zoom groups going, because kids who aren’t comfortable being in physical spaces love being on Zoom. And we’ve been bringing on new kids all the time.

In addition to virtual meetings, we’ve been able to expand to offer a We’ve Got Friends Jr. program for middle school students, and we’re working to create a 21+ group to support participants who have aged out of special education programs. We also host monthly field trips to sporting events, live theater and more to keep the fun going.

Every day parents reach out to me and beg us to start more programs. Ultimately we have to figure out how to scale this organization nationwide. That’s what I’m in the process of figuring out. My son doesn’t have a lot of language, but he has taught me so much. When my mind is running a mile a minute, as it tends to do, he reminds me to slow down. That’s why it’s important to me to create a space for him and other teenagers like him. Emerson needs to have somewhere to go where he’s with his buddies and where he’s happy. It’s good for everyone.

Help for Kids With Disabilities

We’ve Got Friends is Candi Carter’s New Jersey nonprofit. For additional resources, check out these national organizations that make it easier for kids of all ages to find support, make new friends and discover activities they love.

• Parents Helping Parents offers support groups, family and community services, crisis support, early intervention and assistive technology to support the whole family.

• Move United enriches the lives of young people and adults with disabilities by providing sports and recreation opportunities.

• Easterseals provides child-development programs and adult day services, physical rehabilitation, job training and other resources for people with disabilities and their families.

• Friendship Circle pairs volunteers with kids, teens and adults with disabilities to form lasting friendships through after-school activities, camps, clinics and online resources.

• Best Buddies International works to address social and physical isolation for people with disabilities through friendship pairings, employment and leadership opportunities and inclusive living programs.

• Pacer Center organizes bullying-prevention and tech workshops and provides resources to support the mental health of kids and adults with disabilities.

Take me back to the issue!

Check out all the stories from our first-ever Accessibility Issue, including expert-approved ways to future-proof your home, an interview with Broadway star Ali Stroker and more!

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