Maria Bamford: ‘I want to give Donald Trump a roundhouse to the bread basket’

<span>‘I also think just my presence might make Trump feel uncomfortable’ … Maria Bamford.</span><span>Photograph: Robyn Von Swank</span>
‘I also think just my presence might make Trump feel uncomfortable’ … Maria Bamford.Photograph: Robyn Von Swank

In your memoir Sure, I’ll Join Your Cult, you shared your personal email address with explicit encouragement for people to send you any complaints. Did you get any?

I didn’t get any complaints, only loving support. I’ve got some beautifully written emails. It’s really heartening what human beings are capable of. I wonder if the people who are critical are all on my Instagram? They’re always complaining about me on Twitter or whatever. Those people don’t want to read. But yes, every once in a while I’ll get an email and it’s really lovely.

May I say, not apropos to this question, I just donated $75 to the Guardian. They’re always telling me to do it, so I had to do it.

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Well, thank you! Would you rather die at the bottom of the ocean or out in space?

In space. The bottom of the ocean would be scary and it would take a long time because you’d have to keep going down deeper and deeper. Whereas space, you’d explode at a certain point, right? I’ve seen the Fast and Furious movies – there was one where they went to space. I know that is not scientific, but I think space is a good bet.

Who is the most famous person in your phone?

Judd Apatow and/or Amy Schumer.

What’s your least favourite bird and why?

I feel bad for even saying it, but crows. They all seem upset about something. And there’s so many of them.

If you had to fight a famous person, who would it be, how would you fight them and who would win?

Clearly Donald Trump. I’d want to give him a roundhouse to the bread basket. Like, he doesn’t work out at all. But he would know that we’re in a battle – it wouldn’t be a surprise thing. It wouldn’t be a fight to the death, but there would be a points system and definitely timed rounds. He’d have a chance. This is just me saying, I’m available. I want a fair fight. I go to the gym three times a week, you know. I also think just my presence might make him feel uncomfortable.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

I had this one lady come up to me when I was in my 20s. I’d just moved to Los Angeles from Minneapolis. She took me by the arm and said [grandly]: “Life turns on a dime!” Which is really true in so many horrible ways and so many beautiful ways.

What is the weirdest thing you have done for love?

I did move to Australia for a year. It was a slightly manic decision, obviously. I was the person more in love, I think. But I did the Melbourne comedy festival and met somebody there. I was also not medicated at the time so I thought moving would be great! And I lived in Adelaide for about a year. A deep boredom set in. But that’s really kind of lovely about it, too. It wasn’t Adelaide’s fault, but the relationship didn’t work out.

If you had a sandwich named after you, what would be in it?

Tuna fish salad and iceberg lettuce on a soft roll. And maybe a sharp cheddar cheese? And it would be toasted. Now, that would be called a tuna melt. But what I would call it – and I would copyright it and I would get really litigious about it – is the Maria.

Which movies scarred you for life as a kid?

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Well, this wasn’t as a kid – but did you see Steven Spielberg’s War Horse? What a piece of shit that was. A horse being dragged through barbed wire and then this whole fucking weird fake sentimental Irish thing – ugh, it just made me so sick. I would have left but my parents brought me. I was in my 30s. You can’t just leave. That was a terrible movie.

There’s also a movie called Joni, which was about a young lady who was paralysed after diving into shallow water. She did watercolours that she painted with a brush in her mouth and that was the happy ending. I do remember that from my childhood, but I don’t know if it scarred me. I just remember going, “Huh, that’s cool”.

Who do you want to play you in the biopic about your life?

Godzilla. He’s sweet, but he’s also just so mad about stuff. Everyone loves Godzilla, but they’re also scared of him.