When my husband cheated on me my self-confidence was shattered
I don’t know how I held it together in the days after leaving my husband. I was devastated and heartbroken after discovering his infidelity. I also felt rejected, foolish and embarrassed – and to some extent, I blamed myself.
Retiring at 48, my now ex-husband had been having affairs for some time without the expectation that I would ever know about it. He suddenly had a lot of time on his hands and was bored, while I was busy working on my business as an independent healthcare strategy consultant. What’s more, his retirement coincided with my menopause which was having a bad impact on our intimate relationship.
But in other ways we got on brilliantly and for the 10 years we were together, we were happy. Meeting through Sunday Times Dating when I was 40, we were a couple for 15 months before tying the knot in 2016. We had loads of shared interests, particularly a love of sport. It was a relationship with lots of affection and laughter, and I had been thrilled to meet such a lovely man, especially after the pain of losing my mum only two years before.
Strangely, I found out later that many of my friends didn’t like or trust him. But there were no obvious signs that the relationship was in trouble and discovering the truth about his infidelity came as a bolt from the blue.
I had shifted my life to move to where he lived, tearing myself away from the area of Central London where I’d been for years. We’d made new friends in the area, mainly through the local golf club we joined together. Interestingly he didn’t have many of his own while I still made the effort to see old friends.
When I went into London to socialise or work, he encouraged me to stay out as long as I wanted and to text when I was on the train so he could come and collect me. If I was going out with girlfriends in London he’d say: “Why don’t you just stay over?”. As I later discovered, while I was gone, he would be messaging or meeting women he’d met through the Illicit Encounters website.
Discovering his affairs came about through a change in his behaviour and a suspect phone message. He’d left his phone charging on the pillow next to me and I saw the message from an unfamiliar woman flash up on the screen. Who was messaging my husband at 1am?
When I challenged him, he initially tried to hide what was going on. But a few weeks later I had a gut feeling he wasn’t telling me the truth. I checked his mobile phone bill – which I paid for but had never checked before – and this set alarm bells ringing. I realised that whenever I went away there were hundreds of text messages to unfamiliar numbers. Challenged with this, he couldn’t deny the truth any longer.
As the scales fell from my eyes, other aspects of his behaviour started to add up. A receipt I’d found for a hotel room for two, dismissed by him at the time with a seemingly innocuous explanation. His increasing encouragement for me to stay out late.
Facing the truth about my marriage, my whole world fell apart. It was the nearest I’ve come to cracking since losing my mum. In deep shock, I lost my appetite – I had been anorexic at school and again became dangerously skinny. Discovering his affairs I just felt so foolish and embarrassed. Why hadn’t I seen what was happening?
But initially I didn’t want to see or tell anyone. I just quietly moved out to a rented flat in my old London district, where I felt safe. I was humiliated. I felt rejected and cheated on and lied to. My self-confidence was shattered. I threw myself into work – it was the one thing I felt in control of. I would turn up and act as if all was rosy in my life, but alone in my flat in the evening, I was in bits.
A trip to India gave me the time and space to get the clarity I needed – that our relationship was over. We put our house on the market and, thankfully, it sold quickly. It was tough to get a mortgage, being in my 50s and self-employed, but we split the value of our house, and I bought my own flat in my old stomping ground, giving me a feeling of renewed security. For a long time, he didn’t want to get divorced, but eventually, after four years, the divorce went through.
We have maintained an amicable relationship, which matters to me. I have many happy memories, especially from the early years of our relationship. I don’t think love ever completely dies. I want him to be happy and just hope he doesn’t do this again and destroy someone else’s life.
He has tried to apologise, and I do think he’s sorry for what he did. He hadn’t wanted to tell me the truth because he didn’t want me to think badly of him and thought he was protecting me from being even more hurt, but if he had owned up to what he had done, it would have been less painful. and we might have been able to work things out between us.
Ten years on I feel so relieved I found out the truth. He’s had several partners since we split up but is now happily settled. Meanwhile I’ve rebuilt my life and while I’m still single, I’m in a much better place. I lead a very fulfilling life. I don’t feel lonely – my friends and family are amazing and compensate for a lot – but there are times I feel alone. I miss those moments of intimacy and being that special person for someone.
The biggest long-term effect is feeling I can’t ever trust another man. What’s more, I can’t trust my own judgement, so letting someone get close to me again is unlikely. In the past I’d always have assumed I’d be in a relationship at this age, but dating and being in a relationship aren’t high on my list of priorities. I don’t want to take the risk of loving and being hurt again.
Thoughts from an expert
Relate-qualified sex and relationship counsellor Rhian Kivits says the betrayal of infidelity can leave you deeply traumatised – in fact singer Lily Allen is reported to have checked into a £8,000 a week trauma clinic since splitting from her husband, David Harbour, who was rumoured to be cheating.
“The shock of betrayal is like a punch in the gut, sending your nervous system into deep dysregulation and panic. As you try to make sense of it all, you may blame yourself for not seeing the signs. If the cheater is not taking responsibility for their behaviour and refusing to tell you the truth, this can make you think you’re what caused them to choose someone else. This can have a devastating impact on your self-esteem and the effects can be long-lasting.
The changes in the brain that take place when you experience the shock of betrayal can mean that the alarm centre – the amygdala – gets more easily activated, meaning you become anxious and hypervigilant, always looking out for risks, especially when it comes to relationships. This can lead to misinterpreting behaviour in new partners, so the friendly way they behave towards the waitress, for example, can be a “false trigger”, causing conflict in relationships.
Anger can linger if you’ve been betrayed, and unresolved anger in this case is often about a lack of disclosure and clarity that prevents you from moving forwards in life. And the shock to your self-esteem can impact your sexual self-worth, which some will deal with by becoming hyper sexual, while others completely withdraw from sexual relationships, or lose sexual confidence.
Six ways to move on after a betrayal
Get the anger out
It’s normal to be angry if you’ve been cheated on. Talk it through with trusted friends who are willing to be supportive without judgement. Other ways to express your anger include “rage on a page” – writing the anger out or keeping a daily journal of your feelings, or crafting an angry letter to the betrayer, destroying it afterwards as a symbolic act of letting the anger go. Safe ways to express anger also include letting it out vocally (shouting into an empty space), hitting a cushion or even visiting a rage room – these are increasingly popular.
Rebuild trust
After betrayal there is the risk that we start to see all people and relationships as unsafe when in fact betrayers are in the minority – most people are honest and loyal. However, don’t expect to wake up one day with your trust magically restored – trust is built over time with evidence. Take new relationships or friendships slowly and choose to notice the evidence when other people show you that they are trustworthy.
Set boundaries
The cognitive dissonance that comes from holding two conflicting beliefs (“he says he still loves me” and “he slept with other women”) can feed into the confusion and the lack of self-trust that we experience in the aftermath of betrayal. So, take care of yourself by implementing boundaries or ending relationships and friendships with betrayers.
Swerve the “trauma iceberg”
Being determined to show the world you’re thriving while not addressing the huge emotions raging underneath can leave you with sleep disturbances, nightmares and flashbacks, anxiety and loss of appetite. This kind of “trauma iceberg” causes a lot of internal conflict, and therapy or counselling can help you deeply explore those feelings and move on.
Understand paranoia versus threat
If you tend to see suspect behaviour in new partners disproportionately, slow down and assess whether you are really perceiving a threat to your security or whether you’ve been tripped up by a false trigger. Communication is key because you may need to understand more about a potential partner’s intentions and motivations so that you’re not constantly jumping to conclusions about them or misinterpreting their actions. As you build evidence of safety, hypervigilance decreases.
Date carefully
Don’t rush into dating, but equally, don’t avoid it forever. You do deserve to enjoy safe, healthy relationships and dating again is how you are going to achieve this. So put yourself at the centre, and don’t allow the betrayal to define you. Start casually and take things very slowly. Have strong boundaries and really get to know someone before investing yourself, observing potential partners’ behaviour, learning about their relationship history and seeing how they gel with your friends.
