Why as a gentle parent I’ll never force my kids to say sorry
Watch: I'm a gentle parent - I don't force my five-year-old to say sorry
A mum has revealed how switching to so-called 'gentle' parenting has had huge benefits for both her and her children.
Kelly Medina Enos, 34, from York, North Yorkshire, initially turned to the parenting style when her son, George, then 18 months old, started hitting her. When she shared her worries to TikTok a stranger recommended she looked into gentle parenting - a style that focuses on empathy, respect, and understanding.
Kelly admits she found the parenting method "ridiculous" at first but after researching she decided to try it out for herself, starting with changing her vocabulary. "George was climbing on everything," she explains. "I was saying 'get down' but that didn't seem to land at all. I started saying 'feet on the floor please'. I was astonished at the difference by changing the way I was speaking to him instead of telling him what I don't want. I started to remove the word 'don't'. I still had discipline. I told him what I would like him to do."
She now uses phrases such as "hands off" instead of "don't touch" or "no". She also stopped forcing George to apologise and instead guided hime to step back and look at what's happened in a situation.
According to the London School of Childcare Studies empathy is a complex skill that children develop gradually as they grow, from emerging empathy in toddlers up to complex empathy in middle childhood and advanced empathy which children don't tend to pick up until 12+. "Expecting a child to have empathy is a learnt skill," Kelly explains. "If we say 'go and say sorry' - if for example they snatched a toy - it's forced. You find you haven't allowed child to step back. Instead say - 'what's happened here? 'How do you think that person is feeling?' 'What can we say?'."
Kelly says it isn't that she doesn't want her children to say sorry, but points out that there's a difference between telling them what to do. "We still guide them through," she explains. "We teach our children how to be better next time."
As well as switching up her language Kelly doesn't force any child isolation such as the 'naughty step' or 'time out'. "With forced isolation the child often becomes more of a people pleaser or rebels," she says. "They learn they have no voice and their feelings don't matter. In time out a child is told to 'sit and think about what you've done'. The child is not thinking how they could have dealt with that better. They learn 'I need to take away my feelings of frustration and anger and then I'm deemed lovable'."
Instead she will offer a 'calm down corner' as an option if her son wants to some alone time. "It's got books and a breathe board - it's a non-sensory nook," she says. "George does hold empathy and he's incredible at communicating his feelings. He can come home in huge frustration and I hold him and he crumbles. He'll say he's had a bad day and offloads. If I hadn't allowed him to feel and put him in his room, the naughty step or time out would he have opened up to me?"
Kelly is also mum to a daughter, Ariella, 14 months old, and has started to gentle parent her too - teaching her baby sign language so she can let her know if she wants more food or drink. "It's helps to alleviate frustration because she can communicate."
Kelly's own experiences with gentle parenting encouraged her to become a certified parenting coach. As part of her course she had to do a lot of self-work which really helped her understand why she was becoming frustrated with certain behaviours George presented. "I really struggled because of the way I was raised," she explains. "There was a lot of shouting. It was distilled in me, so I shouted quite often. I worked out I was expecting quite a lot of George. I said out loud 'why does he act like such a child?' He used to pull out all the baby wipes. I remember the frustration, but with Ariella I just think 'put them back'."
Though says she's not a "perfect parent" she will still place boundaries with her children. "Nobody never shouts," she explains. "No one gets it right all day everyday. Gentle parenting is when we seek connection even when correcting a child. We allow space for bigger emotions and give them root lessons without blaming and shaming.
"People say it's an easy way out, but it's probably the hardest form of parenting," Kelly continues. "I wish people would give it a chance before they make a snap judgement."
Benefits of gentle parenting
Gentle parenting is a relationship-based approach to raising children that prioritises empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. "Rooted in developmental psychology, it encourages parents to guide rather than control their children, fostering emotional regulation and mutual respect," explains Dr Patricia Britto, educational psychologist. "It moves away from punitive discipline (shouting, time-outs, or physical punishment) and instead focuses on connection, communication, and modelling appropriate behaviour."
While many parents aspire to be patient and supportive, it is often challenging in the heat of the moment, especially when stress, exhaustion, or external pressures come into play.
Dr Britto says gentle parenting can help in several ways including helping to reduce parental guilt and emotional burnout. "Research on self-regulation suggests shouting or reacting harshly often leads to guilt and stress for parents," she explains. "Gentle parenting helps parents regulate their emotions, reducing outbursts that might later cause guilt."
Advocates say the method also encourages emotional regulation in parents. "Studies on emotional co-regulation (Feldman, 2007) show that a child’s ability to regulate emotions is closely linked to how their caregivers manage stress. Gentle parenting encourages parents to pause, take a breath, and respond calmly rather than react impulsively."
Ways to introduce gentle parenting
Pause before reacting
Before responding to challenging behaviour, take a deep breath. "This activates the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making) rather than reacting from the amygdala (responsible for emotional reactivity)," advises Dr Britto. "A simple mantra like 'Pause, Breathe, Respond' can be helpful."
Validate feelings without accepting all behaviours
Gentle parenting is about acknowledging emotions while setting boundaries. "Instead of saying, 'Stop crying, it’s not a big deal,' try 'I see you’re upset. It’s okay to feel sad. Let’s find a way to help you feel better'."
Use 'connection before correction'
If a child acts out, connect first advises Dr Britto: "I can see you’re frustrated. Do you need a break before we talk about what happened?"
Model emotional regulation
If parents model calm responses, children will learn to do the same. "Narrate your emotions to show how to handle frustration," advises Dr Britto. "I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond."
Use natural consequences instead of punishments
Research shows that natural consequences teach responsibility more effectively than arbitrary punishment. "Instead of 'If you don’t eat your dinner, no TV,' try 'If you don’t eat now, you might be hungry later, and the kitchen will be closed'.”
Offer choices instead of commands
Providing limited choices gives children a sense of autonomy, reducing resistance. "Instead of 'Put your shoes on now', try 'Would you like to wear the red shoes or the blue ones?'"
Repair and reflect after mistakes
Parents are human. "If you lose your temper, model repair by apologising: 'I got frustrated earlier, and I shouted. I’m sorry. I should have taken a breath first', this teaches children accountability and emotional resilience," advises Dr Britto.
Read more about parenting:
Four key skills a child should be able to do before starting school (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)
Why I don’t give my kids screen time limits (Yahoo Life UK, 6-min read)
Seven signs your child could be addicted to their mobile phone (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)
