It's clear to me Britain's strictest headteacher is wrong about gentle parenting
Watch: I'm a gentle parent – it's a misconception that there are no boundaries
Kelly Medina Enos, 34, a mum-of two from York, North Yorkshire, has hit back at criticism of the 'gentle parenting' method, which she says changed her family's life and made her a better mum.
Her response came after comments from Katharine Birbalsingh, dubbed 'Britain’s strictest headmistress', condemned the popular 'gentle parenting' approach, saying it makes parents feel 'they're not in a position of authority over their child'.
Birbalsingh, who co-founded and leads the high-performing Michaela Community School in Brent, north London, revealed in an interview with The Times that she didn't agree with the method, which advocates giving children a choice over what they eat and the clothes they wear.
"The culture and the language that’s being used means parents feel that they’re not in a position of authority over their child," she said, highlighting how modern parenting books are now "much more along the lines of gentle parenting, being friends with your children, not holding them to account. It will be written from the point of view allowing them to choose to lead their own feeding."
However, mother-of-two Kelly, who is now also a parenting coach, feels Birbalsingh has portrayed gentle parenting in the wrong light.
Kelly first turned to the parenting method in desperation, when her son, George, then 18 months old, started hitting her. When she shared her worries to TikTok a stranger recommended she looked into gentle parenting – a style that focuses on empathy, respect and understanding.
Kelly decided to try it out, starting by switching her instructions from negative to positive. "George was climbing on everything," she explains. "I was saying 'get down' but that didn't seem to land at all. I started saying 'feet on the floor please'. I was astonished at the difference by changing the way I was speaking to him, instead of telling him what I don't want. I started to remove the word 'don't'. I still had discipline. I told him what I would like him to do."
"It’s quite clear Ms Birbalsingh has missed the concept of gentle parenting," says Kelly, "and what she has described is actually 'permissive parenting' instead. Gentle parenting does involve setting boundaries, it's not about letting children get away with everything."
"My son still knows no means no, but not from a place of 'I’m an adult and I’m bigger than you, so I have authority,'" she adds.
Birbalsingh claimed that modern parents had "been infantilised" partly by parenting books, but Kelly disagrees.
“When I define gentle parenting, I talk about the three parenting styles," explains Kelly. "First is authoritarian, how a lot of us millennials were raised – with a parent who wants compliance using punishment and discipline. The opposite is permissive, where a parent wants to be their child’s best friend, with no discipline or boundaries."
"In the middle is gentle parenting, where we still have boundaries and discipline but we teach the child how to do better next time," says Kelly. "It’s about respecting our children in order to gain their respect and teaching them that all their emotions are safe to feel, but how they express them is the important thing."
As well as switching up her language Kelly doesn't force any child isolation such as the 'naughty step' or 'time out'. "With forced isolation the child often becomes more of a people-pleaser or a rebel," she says. "They learn they have no voice and their feelings don't matter. They learn 'I need to take away my feelings of frustration and anger and then I'm deemed lovable.'"
Instead she will offer a cosy 'calm down corner' with books etc, if her son wants some alone time. "George is incredible at communicating his feelings. He can come home in huge frustration and I hold him and he crumbles. If I hadn't allowed him to feel his emotions and instead put him in his room, the naughty step or time out, would he have opened up to me?"
Kelly is also mum to a daughter, Ariella, 15 months old, and has started to gentle parent her too. Now she has used her experiences to become a certified parenting coach with 629k followers on TikTok. Her training made her reflect on her own upbringing and the damage authoritarian parenting can cause.
"I really struggled because of the way I was raised," she explains. "There was a lot of shouting. It was instilled in me, so I used to shout quite often with my own children."
"No parent wants to shout and and be hard and scare their child, but I understand why parents do," continues Kelly. "Even I, as a gentle parenting coach, still get triggered and shout sometimes. The important thing is repairing after." Once she has "regulated" herself she will go and apologise to her son, who is now five.
"Shouting causes guilt and I feel awful afterwards, but gentle parenting allows you to understand yourself and what triggered you, so you have the tools to do better next time," she adds.
Headteacher Birbalsingh questioned the approach of giving children a choice of what to eat and what clothes to wear, but Kelly has seen the benefits firsthand. "Why can't children have choices if it's going to enable them to feel empowered?" she says in response.
She gives her son George two options for mealtimes and also a choice of portion sizes. She always avoids "forcing him to eat the whole thing".
"I grew up in a family where if I didn't eat my whole meal, the rest of it would get poured on my lap," she reveals. "So I want to let my children know they can say if they have had enough and I will trust they know their bodies."
In summary, she says, "Gentle parenting has changed everything for me. It has not only impacted our entire family, but it has changed me as a person and a parent. My relationship with my kids is so strong. There's so much respect and adoration there."
Benefits of gentle parenting
Gentle parenting is a relationship-based approach to raising children that prioritises empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. "Rooted in developmental psychology, it encourages parents to guide rather than control their children, fostering emotional regulation and mutual respect," explains Dr Patricia Britto, educational psychologist. "It moves away from punitive discipline (shouting, time-outs, or physical punishment) and instead focuses on connection, communication, and modelling appropriate behaviour."
While many parents aspire to be patient and supportive, it is often challenging in the heat of the moment, especially when stress, exhaustion, or external pressures come into play.
Dr Britto says gentle parenting can help in several ways including helping to reduce parental guilt and emotional burnout. "Research on self-regulation suggests shouting or reacting harshly often leads to guilt and stress for parents," she explains. "Gentle parenting helps parents regulate their emotions, reducing outbursts that might later cause guilt."
Advocates say the method also encourages emotional regulation in parents. "Studies on emotional co-regulation (Feldman, 2007) show that a child’s ability to regulate emotions is closely linked to how their caregivers manage stress. Gentle parenting encourages parents to pause, take a breath, and respond calmly rather than react impulsively."
Ways to introduce gentle parenting
Pause before reacting
Before responding to challenging behaviour, take a deep breath. "This activates the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making) rather than reacting from the amygdala (responsible for emotional reactivity)," advises Dr Britto. "A simple mantra like 'Pause, Breathe, Respond' can be helpful."
Validate feelings without accepting all behaviours
Gentle parenting is about acknowledging emotions while setting boundaries. "Instead of saying, 'Stop crying, it’s not a big deal,' try 'I see you’re upset. It’s okay to feel sad. Let’s find a way to help you feel better'."
Use 'connection before correction'
If a child acts out, connect first advises Dr Britto: "I can see you’re frustrated. Do you need a break before we talk about what happened?"
Model emotional regulation
If parents model calm responses, children will learn to do the same. "Narrate your emotions to show how to handle frustration," advises Dr Britto. "I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond."
Use natural consequences instead of punishments
Research shows that natural consequences teach responsibility more effectively than arbitrary punishment. "Instead of 'If you don’t eat your dinner, no TV,' try 'If you don’t eat now, you might be hungry later, and the kitchen will be closed'.”
Offer choices instead of commands
Providing limited choices gives children a sense of autonomy, reducing resistance. "Instead of 'Put your shoes on now', try 'Would you like to wear the red shoes or the blue ones?'"
Repair and reflect after mistakes
Parents are human. "If you lose your temper, model repair by apologising: 'I got frustrated earlier, and I shouted. I’m sorry. I should have taken a breath first', this teaches children accountability and emotional resilience," advises Dr Britto.
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Why I don’t give my kids screen time limits (Yahoo Life UK, 6-min read)
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