This is how we do it: ‘I felt betrayed when I found his Viagra. Were his issues my fault?

Seb, 28

Last autumn, my girlfriend, Clara, discovered a packet of Viagra in my washbag. I hadn’t told her I was taking the pills, and she was devastated – it made her question whether I’m really attracted to her. But that’s not the issue at all. Clara is the most beautiful and intellectually curious person I’ve ever known. The problem is that my body sometimes isn’t in sync with my mind. I can be really turned on, but somehow lose my erection midway through sex. I am able to get an erection without Viagra, but a pill makes the difference between being 90% hard, and 100%.

I’ve had performance problems before, and they often strike when I feel most attracted to a woman. In my early 20s, I came back from a club with a girl, and I couldn’t get hard at all. I couldn’t believe I had managed to go home with this gorgeous woman, and that nervousness meant my body wouldn’t do what it was told. To avoid that kind of embarrassment again, I bought some Viagra online. All I had to do was fill out a tick-box questionnaire, which apparently goes to an “online doctor”. There wasn’t even age verification.

I kept the pills a secret from Clara because I find it difficult to let people in. I worried other men in their 20s wouldn’t need Viagra, but I couldn’t ask any men in my life, because I struggle with male friendship. Since childhood, I’ve kept a close watch on my mannerisms, because I’m frightened of being called effeminate. I even regulate my voice so it’s not girly. At school, I lifted weights to try to build that strong and laddish facade, and I never felt able to be myself. I get a psychological thrill out of taking Viagra because it makes me feel masculine. A Viagra erection is much firmer than a natural hard-on, and the sheer force of the erection allows me to inhabit this dominant, commanding persona in bed.

Since Clara discovered the Viagra, I’ve stopped taking it. I know it sounds naive but I just hadn’t imagined how much it would hurt her. My performance without the pills does fluctuate a bit, but I’m slowly but surely learning to accept that. It helps that I feel I can be completely myself around Clara. It is getting easier for me to be playful and silly, and let go of the manly mask.

Callout

Clara, 31

Seb and I had been sleeping together for about a month when I found his Viagra. I had my suspicions because I often felt I was sleeping with two entirely different Sebs. Some of the time, Seb would have an erection which felt slightly soft, but mostly he was erect in a way that felt so extreme I couldn’t help but wonder whether it was artificial. When I found out, what bothered me most was the deceit. It was hurtful that Seb had been secretly taking something before initiating sex. I remember staring at the little packet of blue pills and feeling anxiety rush through me. He had a problem – what if it was partly my fault?

I have my own insecurities about my appearance and this has triggered them. I have small breasts, and my immediate thought was that I must be putting Seb off because my shape isn’t sexy enough. I was born in Romania, where it is routine for a woman to spend two days of the week in a beauty salon. You live with this constant threat hanging over you: at any time, you might be unwittingly repulsing a man with your odour, body hair or badly done makeup – and the onus is on you, the woman, to make sure you never slip.

I lost my virginity at 19, but I was waxing every hair on public display from the age of 14. I’m hyper-aware of how I smell at all times, and I try to control my body in day-to-day life, but especially during sex, so I show my best angles. Rationally, I know I’m wasting my time, and I spent my 20s trying to unlearn this stuff, but it’s deeply ingrained in me.

Since my discovery, Seb has stopped taking the pills, so now he does lose firmness when we have sex. We try to treat those moments like an intermission, rather than an end-point. I focus on being connected and in the moment with him, not just on chasing my own climax. Seb tells me I am beautiful, and often asks me to stand in front of the mirror while he admires me. He assures me that his fluctuating erections have nothing to do with how much he desires me. I am working hard to get to a place where I believe him.