14 Eye-Opening Confessions From A Black Man Who Was Adopted By A White Family
Recently, on Reddit, a young Black man who grew up in a white family invited other users to ask him anything about his experience, and his answers revealed a perspective that you don't often get to see.
He started the thread by writing, "I’m Black but was adopted by white people at birth. I'm a 25-year-old man working on a research paper regarding transracial adoption. Posting because I want to see what kind of questions the 'general public' would have for a transracial adoptee."
Here are some of the most fascinating questions and answers:
1.Q: Did you feel disconnected from Black culture or your Black peers? Coming from someone of mixed race who has always struggled with those feelings.
A: I used to. I was extremely disconnected until I turned 18. I took an Ancestry test, matched with my biological birth sister, and officially met my birth family when I was 18. Even meeting them at first was weird, haha. But I started exploring my cultural identity in college, and I feel more connected than I ever have.
2.Q: How did your adoptive parents react when you reconnected with your biological family?
A: Not well at first. It was a very rough time for me at that age.
3.Q: I saw that you met your biological family at 18. Are you regularly in contact with them now? If so, are your adoptive and biological families in touch?
A: Yes, and yes! This Christmas, my moms are going to meet each other again for the first time in 25 years. The last time they saw each other, my adopted mom was supporting my birth mom as she was giving birth to me. So I’m very excited.
4.Q: Are you willing to share more about your biological parents? Do you find you have anything in common with them that was unexpected?
A: Ahhh, the nature vs. nurture theory. In my particular case, I am almost a carbon copy of my birth father.
5.Q: Why were you put up for adoption?
A: There were only a few people in my birth family that knew I existed. My birth parents were separated, and my birth mom couldn’t handle taking care of her other three children. So, to sum it up, she thought I’d have a better life being raised by someone else.
6.Q: What advice would you give to white parents adopting POC children?
A: I’d ask them to educate themselves, like truly investing some time learning to appreciate the culture that the child comes from and teaching it to them along with the culture that they’re being raised in. Find opportunities for the child to make friends of their own race, but teach them the importance of inclusivity so they can bridge the gap between the two cultures, if that’s something they’d want to do.
7.Q: This may be a truly ignorant question, but if you were raised by white parents from a very early age, then that would be the culture you were raised in. Why would they need to educate themselves in a culture based on your race?
A: Hmmm, picture it like this:
If two polar bears adopted a black bear and raised them the same way that they were raised, would the black bear survive on its own if the parents died?
Don’t you think it would be wiser for the polar bears to teach the black bear how to hunt at night so it can blend in with the dark to hunt and survive on its own?
It’s important because the context is important.
Now let me use a more realistic example:
White parents don’t teach their child their culture and history of being oppressed and racially segregated. They don’t teach the child to move slowly around a cop because why should they? They’re 'raised white,' right?
The child becomes a teen and runs up to a cop for help because someone stole their bike. Cop sees a frantic Black man running towards him.
I hope this paints a clear picture as to why it’s important. If not, please be willing to look into it further. This isn’t a personal story, but I have almost died because of a situation similar to that.
8.Q: Hey, I'm a transracial adoptee too! My question is, when did you realize that you were different than the rest of your family? I grew up in an area with a strong white majority, so when I was super little, I had bad identity issues because I didn't understand why my skin and hair were so much darker than everyone else's.
A: Sup twin! I found out on my first day of kindergarten. We were instructed to draw ourselves holding hands with our parents underneath the evening sun. When I reached to grab the "skin' crayon, my teacher took it away, asked what I was doing with that crayon, and handed me the brown one. I was confused because I just honestly didn’t know what to say.
When I got home from school that day, I asked my parents why I was brown and why they were white, lol.
9.Q: Growing up, did your peers think it was unusual or have any issue with the fact that the people raising you were of a different race? Or did they not really care?
A: Not unusual, but I’d often hear comments about "being one of the good ones" or other denigrating phrases when I was growing up.
10.Q: How well did your adoptive parents handle your hair?
A: I was shaved bald until I threw tantrums about having my head shaved. It took a lot of time to heal from certain events like that. We were taken to a white barber who would quite literally shear us like sheep, no hairline, nothing. My parents learned from it, though, and have done a lot of work to ensure that the other children don’t feel the way I did.
11.Q: Did you ever feel out of place or that you didn't belong?
A: Yes, as a matter of fact, for the first 18 years of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I felt loved at home. But I was raised in a neighborhood where the majority of people were white, so I experienced a lot of racism.
12.Q: Since you've had the experience of a blended family, what ways do you see for us to defeat racism in the United States? I think if anyone has a chance of figuring this out, it would be someone from a mixed family.
A: I’ll preface this by saying this is my own personal opinion, and I am open to talking about it more.
One person alone can’t solve racism, but I believe it can be worked on by having open conversations like this. People are only segregated because we don’t talk to each other. If we did, we’d realize how much we’re just like each other. But how are we supposed to see each other for who we are when we’re caught up in viewing each other as different?
Think about it: race truly is just another barrier that we put up to keep ourselves from connecting to one another, preventing us from focusing on other issues.
13.Q: I have a white friend with two adopted children of a different race. I hope that I’m treating her adopted children just like her bio children. Is there anything specific you would have loved for family friends to do to make you feel loved and like you really belong within their social circle and community?
A: I think you’re doing everything right. I always remembered the people who genuinely cared.
14.Q: Are you more critical of transracial adoption, all for it, or somewhere in the middle?
A: I force myself to sit somewhere in the middle so I don’t fall into any of my biases whilst conducting my research. But I can say with full confidence that, just like with anything, you’ll find both good and bad examples of transracial adoption.
Can you relate to any of his experiences? Or were you surprised by any of his answers? Tell us what you think in the comments.
And if you've had a life experience that you'd like to answer questions about for a future BuzzFeed post, let me know in this anonymous Google form.
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