Feeling overwhelmed? TikTok therapist Dr Julie Smith can help
Maybe you’re stewing over a friendship that’s gone wrong, or you’ve fallen out with a parent. Perhaps you’re full of self-doubt or you can’t stop overthinking a situation. Enter Dr Julie Smith. She’s the clinical psychologist with nearly 9 million followers on social media, where she shares short videos explaining insights from therapy.
In her work, Dr Julie has seen that when someone’s in a sticky situation or a rut, the right guidance can make all the difference. ‘Often, it’s about pausing, reflecting and planning to respond,’ she says.
That’s why she wrote her new book, Open When..., to hold your hand during a crisis, to be a wise (and therapeutically qualified) friend who can guide you in the right direction. ‘No matter where you’re starting from, the path to all things better is always through new effort and willingness to learn,’ she writes in the introductory letter to readers.
Dr Julie’s online presence was born in 2019 out of a desire to introduce people to the techniques she regularly shared with her clients. A lot of therapy is about learning practical ways to cope with common issues such as low mood, stress or a loss of confidence, she says. ‘I had lots of people who didn’t need long-term therapy but, once they had some of that education, they could cope with whatever life threw at them. I didn’t see why they should have to pay to come and see people like me to find that out.’
Her husband Matthew suggested she start sharing advice on social media, particularly a new app where many young people were spending lots of time: TikTok. ‘Initially, I thought, “There’s no way I’m going to be able to say anything helpful in 30 seconds,” but we decided to have a go,’ she says.
Within a couple of weeks, it was clear that people loved her concise, sensible insights into human behaviour, portrayed in creative, visual ways, such as holding a balloon under water to show suppressing emotions (until it bursts, splashing her in the face).
Now 39, Dr Julie is most popular on TikTok (4.7 million followers), but she’s also a big deal on Instagram (2 million). Her first book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, spent 23 weeks at the top of the bestseller list.
Open When... by Dr Julie Smith
Dr Julie rarely shares about her personal life. For example, we never see her three children, Sienna, 11, Luke, nine, and Leon, four, on her feed. But earlier this year, she broke that rule to share news of her breast cancer diagnosis. ‘I’d had lumps before that turned out to be nothing, so that probably prevented the alarm bells from ringing,’ she says. She almost didn’t follow her own advice of reflecting before acting (or in this case, not acting). ‘I was so busy; six weeks away from handing in the new book. I thought about waiting to get the lump checked out after that, thinking it’s probably nothing. I’m so glad that I didn’t put it off,’ she says.
She’s keen to get out the message that early diagnosis saves lives. ‘If you’re a busy working mum like me, and you’re thinking “I’ll get this lump checked out when I’m ready…” No! Everything has to pause to make time for it.’ Thanks to the quick diagnosis, the tumour was treatable with surgery, saving her from more aggressive treatment.
Still, she says, having a cancer diagnosis has changed her as a person. ‘When I was doing my clinical training, my thesis was on post-traumatic growth in breast cancer patients,’ she says with a wry smile. ‘It was about positive changes, such as a realignment of values or improved health behaviours, that come from a horrible experience.
‘And I did feel a boost in my sense of resilience. Now I know that, when terrible things happen, my husband and I pull together. We came out the other side with evidence of what we can cope with, that we never imagined we could.’
That’s possible for all of us, she says, however tough things might feel. ‘Please trust me when I say that you have no idea how much better things could get for you until you’re there,’ she writes. Reading Open When... is a very good place to start.
Dr Julie’s advice for when…
…you compare yourself and come up short
‘It’s impossible not to compare yourself. We’re social beings, constantly trying to judge whether we’re fitting in or are going to be rejected.
‘But notice the impact comparing is having. If it’s leaving you feeling resentful or down, you can choose to pause and move away from that comparison. But if it’s making you feel inspired and energised, you can choose to go with it, and turn envy into inspiration. The best example of this is when someone has mastered something that you’re working on.
Focus on a specific element of what they do well, then turn it into a plan and take concrete action.’
…your friends are not your friends
‘The signs that your friends don’t have your best interests at heart can be quite subtle. You might notice that when you spend time with that person, you leave feeling worse, or worried about whether they actually like you. Perhaps you censor yourself because you don’t feel fully accepted. With long-term friendships, people have a tendency to ignore the signs, and can end up feeling resentful.
‘If you notice this happening, you have a choice between whether you hold boundaries in that relationship and try to manage it, or step away. Don’t make any rash decisions! Friends are important, and ending a friendship is painful and difficult.
‘First, observe and learn. Over time, you’ll build up a clear picture of whether this friendship helps you, and then you can make a considered decision about it. People have good days and bad days. If we expect perfection from a friend, we have to be sure that we are living by the expectations we have of them, too.’
…you keep saying yes but you want to say no
‘Everyone wants to be considered a nice person, but you have to be careful that you’re not just appeasing others to avoid difficult conversations. That’s a path to resentment or bitterness.
‘Sometimes, you might not actually see that you have a choice. When you can recognise that – and exercise that choice – you build your confidence. But it takes time. I’ll spend weeks with someone in therapy if they’re working on their asserting skills, practicing saying no in small ways, then reviewing when it went well and when it didn’t.
The anxiety is always huge, but when the reaction to the “no” wasn’t as big as anticipated, it feels easier. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Appeasing people all the time is not the same as being a good person.’
…your parents got it wrong
‘Everyone’s parents made mistakes, because there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. As adults, we can tend to slip into a parent-child dynamic. Then, we have an underlying expectation that they must make us happy, or they must make the relationship good.
‘It’s easy to think that if they could just recognise what they got wrong, everything would be okay. But that won’t happen. Something we can realise as adults is that the only control we have is over what we bring to the relationship.
‘Work out what your aims are for the relationship. Maybe that means putting in more boundaries or changing the way that you behave in situations. Depending on the scenario, it might mean having less connectedness, especially if the relationship is harmful. And sometimes it will mean working out how to open up a new connection, adult to adult, and taking responsibility for that.’
…you doubt yourself and want to feel more confident
‘People see a confident person and think they were born that way, as though it’s a personality trait. But confidence is a byproduct of being willing to be in situations where you don’t feel confident, and staying there for long enough to build it up.
‘You can’t learn to be confident by reading a book, because you can’t think your way into confidence. Your brain learns through evidence. You have to experience success and failure, and see for yourself that you can get through it. You must be willing to be the beginner, to be vulnerable, which is scary. If you tell yourself that you can’t act until you feel confident, you never will. But once you accept that fear is along for the ride, your confidence will grow.’
…you’re overthinking everything
‘Worry thoughts are worst-case scenarios, and they flood in fast – leading to safety behaviours to avoid the bad thing happening. In some scenarios, that’s helpful. I remember going to the coast when our kids were younger and, as we were getting out of the car, I saw my daughter walking towards a cliff edge. I had a shot of adrenaline and grabbed her.
‘But when that fear happens and it’s not life-threatening, it can cause you to back off from life. This usually means some form of avoidance, such as not going to a meeting because you’re anxious about being called out on something by your boss.
‘Instead, begin to notice the worst-case scenarios that play out in your mind. Notice the behaviours that they cause, such as avoidance. Then make a conscious decision to imagine the best-case scenario. This lets your brain know that the worst-case scenario is not the only path, or even the most likely one.’
Intense emotions and spiralling thoughts? Try this exercise to calm them
Place your palm over your chest and hold it there for a moment. Allow your breathing to return to its natural rhythm.Feel the warmth of your hand radiate on your chest. Allow everything to slow.
Say these words to yourself, either out loud or in the quiet of your own mind: ‘This is tough. I am trying my best with what I have right now. It feels so painful when I get it wrong because I care so deeply. It is love that enables me to steer back in the direction I want to go after I fall.’
Allow yourself to sit, breathe slowly and repeat any of these words that might have resonated for you, or find your own, until you feel able to return to the challenge you’re facing.
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