Why groups of 3 are a friendship nightmare

Your phone lights up. It's a group chat with two of your closest friends, cheering you on after you just asked for advice on a risky text to your crush. Then, the conversation turns to something else. An inside joke that only those two friends understand – without you. Now you feel left out.

This is why some warn against this "group of three" relationship, where one person is often bound to feel excluded. "There is a potential to feel like a third wheel if the other two people are closer or more on the same wavelength," says Irene S. Levine, friendship author and expert.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

"Many groups of three struggle with hurt feelings and fears of being left out, but with intentional effort, trios can thrive," says Shasta Nelson, social relationships expert and author.

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'It's hard to take back the feelings'

If you're a human with a beating heart, you're going to compare yourself to someone else. That's true in your friendships, too. Consider adjusting your expectations so you aren't disappointed. And similarly, figure out what you want so you know what to ask for.

"Groups of three can be tricky because there’s always another friendship within the trio to compare yours to," Nelson says. "It’s unrealistic to expect every conversation or interaction to involve all three people all the time."

Keep in mind that friendships will ebb and flow throughout your life. Someone's going to get married, someone's going to move, everyone's going to grieve. "Navigating those shifts requires confidence, maturity and grace – especially when the other two friends share a dynamic, experience or commonality that feels different from your own connection," Nelson adds.

Technology only compounds these concerns. Two friends going through the same thing at the same time are bound to be closer, and words will get lost in translation.

"In texting (vs in-person relationships), even very good friends may be less thoughtful of what they say and how they say it, igniting ill feelings or spurring conflict," Levine says. "Once a message has been sent, it's hard to take back the feelings."

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'Three is more complicated than two'

Think of the group of three friendship like a plant: It must be well-watered. And that means recognizing there are four relationships at play: A/B, A/C, B/C and the collective A/B/C. "Each relationship will have its own unique rhythms, expectations and benefits," Nelson explains. "It’s essential to establish rituals where all three spend time together while also giving each other permission to build one-on-one connections within the trio."

It's helpful to talk all this out in the open, too, no matter how awkward.

Still, some may find the group dynamic too much to bear. "If someone does feel like a third wheel, they may decide that it's better to maintain individual relationships with one or both or the two other friends," Levine says. "Three is more complicated than two."

But as Nelson says, "with mutual understanding and communication, a trio can become a source of deep connection and joy."

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Friendship tips: Navigating group of 3 nightmare