This is how we do it: ‘I want missionary every night – but I’m trying to be more adventurous’

Alice, 46

Before I met Elliot, I was in a 20-year relationship, but I’d always struggled to have sex with my husband. We got on really well but there was absolutely no sexual chemistry. So when I met Elliot on a dating app after my divorce, he was the first person who made me feel butterflies and excitement. I’d never had sex with anyone I’d actually fancied before.

It was such a new experience to be with someone I felt so connected to and who I desired sexually. All I could think about was him. I’ve never had that level of attraction to anyone and seven years later, I still think he’s the sexiest guy I’ve ever seen.

But the problem Elliot has with our relationship is that I’m very boring sexually and I want to do missionary every time. I’ve never watched porn so I don’t have all these ideas of what we might get up to in bed. He has to live with the fact that I’m really vanilla. But I think we have an amazing sex life because we always want to have sex with each other. He’s a really sensitive, thoughtful guy and always wants me to orgasm first, and I do every time.

I’m just starting to dip my toes into this world of sexual exploration. We went to a couple of sex parties last year. It wasn’t really to have sex with other people; it was more to see what an orgy looked like and for me to try and expose myself to people who were sexually liberated. There was so much to process that even weeks later I didn’t have words to describe what I’d experienced. It suddenly went from people wearing ball gowns to wearing nothing. In a way I wish I could be like that – but I’m still years off.

I have a disease which affects my mobility, so I’m not as flexible or as mobile as I’d like to be. We probably can’t get up to as many sexual positions as we would like to, but that just feels normal now. I do think I’m a bit lazy when it comes to sex: I just want to get to the end goal, which is to have my orgasm and go to sleep. But Elliot would probably like some kind of tantric sex session that lasts for eight hours.

Callout

Elliot, 43

In the past I was probably less experimental when it comes to sex, but as I’ve got older I’ve wanted to try more things. Alice’s favourite position is missionary and she would happily just do that for ever. I’m trying to encourage her to open up.

We’ve brought some sex toys into the bedroom – I’m always suggesting ideas, like having sex in a different room or just not on the bed for a change – maybe by the wall or by the window. But I do appreciate it’s not always possible because she’s got quite an aggressive type of arthritis, so she’s not that mobile. That does affect her sexual choices, but ultimately I’m happy with whatever happens.

Every so often she’ll come up with new ideas and we end up doing crazy things, like going to a sex party. There were probably about 400 people there. It was just standard chat and drinks for the first hour, and then it went to another extreme: people seemed to just grab a partner and suddenly everyone’s clothes were off. It was like a Roman orgy. At some point in the night, we thought, OK we’ve got to try and have sex somewhere, but all the rooms were jam packed. We eventually found a quieter corner, but honestly we ended up having better sex when we got back to the hotel room afterwards.

We’ve been together for seven years now, but we don’t live together. We live about an hour and a half away from each other, which is not ideal but it keeps the relationship fresh, and when we do see each other – about four times a week – we really appreciate our time together and always have sex.

It feels like we are still in our honeymoon period. And even though if I had it all my way I would be a little more adventurous, I’m still having the best sex I’ve ever had.