‘I want a family but my partner’s angry outbursts are making me question whether I want his kids’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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I am 32 and in a relationship with a 35 year old man for 12 months. He was honest at the start about his cocaine use, he has tried recovery and I’ve supported him with this over the past year. He also has sleep apnea, and this causes problems as he doesn’t always wear his CPAP machine. He has a successful business which causes him a lot of stress.
Recently he has brought this stress home. He has angry outbursts and has previously smashed the TV, his phone, and most recently he launched the Christmas tree I had decorated across the living room. He always says sorry. He has never physically hurt me. 70% of the time he is everything I could ever ask for. I’m at a point where I am questioning if this is ever going to work long term. I want a family at some point and there’s no way a baby could be brought into this. But because he is honest and reflective I’ve always thought we could work on it. We have a great time together when he isn’t on a come down. Do I stay or go?
Lala says…
This is such a horrible situation. I guess the transparency about his addiction at the beginning of the relationship led you to believe that he was working on his recovery and so you were willing to stick around to try to support him. You’ve supported him with his recovery, which is kind and loving, but his recovery is his responsibility. If he’s not taking that seriously or seeking professional help to stay clean, then the cycle of drug use and stress will likely continue. The fact that he’s not even using his CPAP machine properly shows you something about how committed he is to helping himself. Obviously, so is the fact that he is continuing to use drugs. It sounds like he is using it as a coping mechanism for stress but it is inevitably increasing his stress levels. The anger outbursts and destruction could be linked to his inability to manage his emotions during these times of stress or come down.
But whatever causes them, this isn’t actually about him. It’s about how his addiction and subsequent behaviours are affecting you. Throwing the Christmas tree that you had lovingly made an effort to decorate is really cruel and it is an act of violence, even if he didn’t physically hurt you. Angry outbursts, smashing TVs and phones, it’s all violence. It must be really frightening to live with the unpredictability. You said that it is not a safe environment for 30% of the time, that is not an insignificant amount. That is a lot of time to be walking on eggshells wondering when the next explosion will happen. And you’re completely correct, this is not a safe environment for a baby and from my perspective as a child protection social worker I would be deeply concerned about the prospect of a baby being brought into that situation.
He is clearly a lovely man for a lot of the time and it is clear that you sympathise with the stress he’s under and his health conditions, but there are a lot of people who have sleep apnea or who are under immense stress who don’t smash up their homes. Nothing can justify his violent outbursts and I am concerned that they will escalate and that it is only a matter of time before he harms you. Perhaps even accidentally, but more likely intentionally, shortly followed by lots of remorse, apology and reflection. But currently, his honesty and apologies are meaningless because he’s not taking any action. For the entirety of your short relationship he has been a violent addict who is stuck in a cycle of extremely dangerous behaviours and he isn’t doing anything about it other than apologising.
70% non-violent or destructive times is not good enough and if you want to have children he is not the man to do it with. He has a long journey ahead before he will ever be fit to offer a safe home for a baby. You deserve so much more than chaos and volatility and so does any future child you may have. If you decide to go, then you should seek support from friends or from a service like Women’s Aid so that you can make a plan to escape safely. Get some therapy to help you on your exit journey. And remind yourself that you’re not abandoning him, you don’t owe him your life and your mental health, you have no guilt or shame to carry for walking away, you’re not walking away from him - you’re walking away for you. You tried, he failed to keep up his part of the bargain, and it’s not worth your well-being to stick around any longer to find out if there will be a miraculous change.
If you do stay, I would strongly urge you not to bring a child into this. I would also insist that he gets help and engages with it. But you’ve already been doing that and nothing has changed and it is unlikely that it will any time soon. I would put yourself first now and think of a future where you can have a family with a partner who makes you feel safe 100% of the time.
