Vanilla Sex Can Be Great, But These 5 Things Will Make It Steamier
First things first: There’s nothing inherently unsexy about vanilla sex.
Generally defined as more “traditional” than other forms of eroticism, like kink and BDSM, vanilla sex can be just as pleasurable, fun and exciting for folks who enjoy it.
“Vanilla sex is sometimes thought of as ‘boring’ sex, but vanilla is a popular flavor for a reason: It’s delicious!” Nicolle Dirksen, sex and couples therapist and clinic owner, told HuffPost.
If you’re delighting in vanilla play and feel content with your sex life overall, there’s no need to change it, she said. Still, spicing vanilla sex up can invite perks, including better communication.
“Experimenting with sex requires open, honest, and often vulnerable conversations,” Dirksen said. “While this can feel super awkward at first, over time it becomes easier to have these conversations, and this openness and emotional intimacy tends to extend to other areas of your relationship, too.”
Jordan D’Nelle, a women’s sexual health educator and physician associate, believes that vanilla sex can get monotonous over time. Changing things up can bring play and creativity to the bedroom, she added.
“As adults, we often forget how to have fun,” D’Nelle said. “Isn’t that the point of life?” On top of that, she said, hotter vanilla sex means more of the pleasure we all deserve.
If you want to make your vanilla sex romps steamier, consider the following expert ideas.
1. Set a sultry stage
Having more adventurous vanilla sex starts before any clothes are dropped, according to Cindy Scharkey, a registered nurse and author of “Permission for Pleasure: Tending Your Sexual Garden.” “No one gets turned on looking at piles of dirty laundry,” she said. So set yourself up for success by creating a sultry ambiance.
To make way for hotter play, Scharkey suggests adding props like pillows, which make it easy to try different positions. Experiment with different lighting, such as candles for a flattering glow. Or choose a “stage” away from your bed for something new. “Try having sex on a chair, stairs, or [in the] shower,” said Scharkey.
2. Try some sensory play
Speaking of candles, different aromas can turn up the heat. Dirkson suggests incorporating all of the five senses into sex: smell, touch, taste, sight and sound.
“For example, you could light a sensual-smelling candle (smell), give your partner a sensual massage (touch), bring sexy foods into bed, like whipped cream or chocolate syrup (taste), put on some new lingerie (sight), and create a sexy playlist (sound),” she explained.
Even one sensory shift can go a long way, especially when you’re new to expanding your sexual menu. “Sensory play is a great place to start because it allows you to dip your toe into some things you maybe haven’t tried before without jumping all the way into something that is way out of your comfort zone,” said Dirkson.
3. Add an accessory, and hone in
Intimate accessories, such as sex toys, blindfolds, paddles and feathers, can add a sense of newness and fun to vanilla sex. Known for promoting the release of feel-good brain chemicals, novelty is linked with sexual satisfaction and lasting relationship bliss.
Using spicy accessories can also “help you become more present and mindful, not only in the bedroom, but also in your day-to-day life,” said D’Nelle. “When we begin focusing on the sensations, we are experiencing with these new experiences, it helps ground us and helps us become more present in our bodies.”
While mindfulness may sound more sleepy than smoldering, such presence makes way for more sexual harmony, relationship growth and orgasms. And sex toy ownership in general has been linked with positive sexual and life satisfaction.
4. Dip into role-play
If your vanilla sex experiences have been feeling overly predictable, especially within a long-term relationship, consider role-play. By taking on a different persona, you may “feel more comfortable exploring something new or on the edge of your comfort zone, because it’s not you,” said D’Nelle. “It’s just a role you are playing.”
Role-play is especially popular after age 40, according to a according to a U.K. survey, when you may be more comfortable with yourself and ready to broaden your sexual horizons. While the options are limitless, popular roles include a nurse and doctor pair, strangers meeting for the first time at a bar, and characters from a favorite book or movie.
5. Lube up
Using a commercial lubricant can take OK sex to a whole new level. Lubricant is the tool that Sharkey, who was nicknamed the Lube Fairy by workshop attendees, recommends most for enhancing all types of sex, vanilla included.
“Adding a personal lubricant into your sex life is not just for when your body needs more moisture to avoid discomfort, but it can also make the sex you’re having slicker, longer lasting, and more enjoyable,” she said. For added flare, consider a flavored or warming lube.
Research shows that women in their 40s have more pleasurable, orgasmic sex when lube is involved. And their partners seem to enjoy the added wetness, too.
Above all, experts agree, get creative while keeping pleasure high on your to-do list. “We all deserve pleasure in excess,” D’Nelle said. “By exploring, you discover new things that you like and potentially get exposed to levels of pleasure you have never experienced before.”
