How do you stay friends after a breakup? Experts weigh in on this tricky transition
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Breakups are rough, but one of the hardest parts is the fear that you’re not just losing your romantic partner but a good friend, too. Although there are plenty of toxic or even abusive relationships that aren’t worth salvaging, there are plenty of people we’ve dated who we don’t want in our beds anymore but would love to hang out with as friends.
Plus, statistically, there just aren’t that many queer people (especially if you live in a smaller town), so if you want to be friends with and in community with other queer folks, you may have to figure out how to be buddies with your ex.
Becoming friends after a bad breakup is hard to accomplish, which is why we’ve reached out to licensed marriage and family therapist Hannah Reeves and Angelika Koch, a relationship and breakup expert at LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi, to figure out how to end a relationship while leaving the door open for a real friendship to develop.
But transitioning from lovers to friends can be tricky and the path to becoming BFFs can be full of landmines. So, how do you do it successfully?
What steps should you take if you want to break up but would like to remain friends?
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Breakups are almost always difficult, but if you want to remain friends, then gentle honesty is the best policy, Reeves tells PRIDE. "The first step is to be clear about your intentions. No vague 'it's not you, it's me' and definitely no cryptic, 'I just need space,'" she says. "I always tell my clients that clarity is kinder in the long run as they aren't left wondering what went wrong. If you want to stay friends, say it, but make sure you're not dangling a carrot of hope for something more."
Koch says that making it clear that friendship is important to you can go a long way toward making that transition easier for both of you. "It's important to begin with letting this person know what you've been thinking about while also explaining how deeply meaningful the friendship is to you," she explains. "Being vulnerable is the most important step you can take when it comes to changing the dynamic from a relationship to a friendship."
What additional steps should you take to become BFFs after a breakup?
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Once you've had the uncomfortable breakup conversation and you both have agreed to try to become friends, give it some time. You and your former paramour may need a little time and space before you're both ready to become besties. "Refrain from contacting them for a while. It's not ideal texting them at midnight to ask if they're okay," Reeves advises. "Give it at least a couple of weeks or longer, before trying to transition into friendship. That emotional reset is non-negotiable. If you reach out too soon you might be met with resentment or continue to string the other person along."
If you really want to stay friends with an ex, setting firm boundaries and sticking to them is also key. "Don't talk about your sexual partners, dates, or things that could possibly make this person feel hurt or uncomfortable. Keep the conversations away from a deep emotional connection, as that can confuse them when things start to change," Koch says.
Is it possible to maintain a friendship after a breakup?
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The unfortunate answer is that it really depends. If your relationship was toxic before the breakup, or you fought all the time, it may be harder to bridge that gap and build a healthy friendship. On the other hand, if you’re open and honest and set firm boundaries, you have a good shot at making it work.
“Honestly, it’s a mixed bag. Some people pull it off brilliantly, others end up blocking each other for good, Reeves explains. “The likelihood depends on whether you’re both on the same page emotionally. Maybe you both felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere or just weren't ready yet. Having a mutual understanding of your relationship is usually what makes this possible. When the affairs are one-sided, it makes it way more difficult to remain friends afterwards.”
What are some of the common pitfalls of trying to be friends with an ex?
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It may seem like a no-brainer, but not respecting your partner during or after the breakup may destroy any chance of becoming friends. That means being careful not to give them hope that you may get back together, but also don’t rub new relationships or hookups in their face — especially when your budding friendship is new.
“Don't do things that could possibly lead your ex on. It's important not to give them a false sense of hope by telling them that maybe in the future you can go back to being a couple,” Koch says. “It’s also important not to do things to make them jealous or make them feel like they are not enough.”
What can you do to make the transition to friends easier?
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Transitioning from lovers to friends may be a piece of cake or may take careful planning and trial and error before you get it right, but the benefits of keeping someone important in your life make the trials and tribulations worth it in the end.
To give yourself the best shot at a new friendship with your partner after the breakup, Koch says respect and boundaries are going to be the most important things. "Always stay firm in your boundaries when moving from a relationship to a friendship," she says. "You can be friends with an ex, so long as there is consistent respect on both ends and you're able to both move forward in a healthy way."
Reeves says to remember to "take it slow" and be honest when things aren't working. "If friendship is meant to happen, it'll develop naturally over time," she explains. "But be realistic about what you both can handle. Staying friends isn't a moral obligation. It's okay if you need to close the chapter completely. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is set a boundary and stick to it."
Experts cited:
Hannah Reeves, LMFT, relationship therapist and writer at Private Sugar Club.
Angelika Koch, a relationship and break-up expert at LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi.
