How to overcome separation anxiety in relationships

Laura Hampson
·4-min read
woman with separation anxiety
Women are more likely to have separation anxiety in relationships if they lost a parent as a child. (Getty Images)

The loss of a parent as a child is one of the hardest things someone can go through, and now a new study has found that it can lead to separation anxiety later in life.

The research, published in the journal Stress and Health, found that women who lose a parent during childhood are more likely to feel distress when separated from their partners and may show signs of 'anxious attachment'.

It also found that these women may be more likely to worry that their significant other will not be available in a time of need.

The study surveyed 120 women, half of whom had lost a parent at a young age, and found there was a higher level of anxious attachment among this cohort.

It added that this separation anxiety typically peaked in the first five years of a romantic relationship, and gradually declined after a decade.

What is separation anxiety?

Psychologist Barbara Santini says separation anxiety is a complex emotional condition “characterised by fear or anxiety about being apart from attachment figures or familiar environments”.

"Traditionally associated with children, it's increasingly recognised in adults," she adds. "It's rooted in the basic human need for connection and security.

"In my professional experience, I've observed that separation anxiety can manifest in various forms, from mild unease to debilitating panic, depending on the individual's experiences and coping mechanisms."

Sad asian little girl hugging her mother leg in vintage color tone
Losing a parent as a child can lead to separation anxiety later in life. (Getty Images)

Impact of parental loss on separation anxiety

The loss of a parent at a young age can cause 'profound disruption' to a child’s sense of safety and attachment, Santini says.

"This loss can create a foundational belief that relationships are transient and that attachment leads to inevitable pain," she adds.

"As adults, these individuals may become hyper-vigilant in their relationships, constantly fearing abandonment. This anxiety often stems from the unresolved grief and fear from their childhood. The loss of a parent can create a 'blueprint' for how they view all future separations, making even short-term separations from loved ones intensely distressing."

Can children of divorced parents feel separation anxiety?

It’s not just the death of a parent that can manifest later in life as separation anxiety, but divorced parents too.

"It's not just the separation of the parents but the upheaval of the child's entire world," Santini says. "This experience can lead to a deep-seated fear of abandonment and instability in relationships.

"The child may grow up with a skewed perception of relationships, viewing them as fragile and temporary. In therapy, I often work with individuals who have developed an anxious attachment style due to their parents' divorce, leading to separation anxiety in their own adult relationships."

Sad and depressed woman sitting on sofa at home.
Separation anxiety is more likely to manifest in the first five years of a new relationship. (Getty Images)

How to overcome separation anxiety

If you have noticed any signs of separation anxiety in either yourself or your partner, such as struggling to spend time alone and feeling worried when they are not around, there are some strategies that you can use to overcome these feelings.

Santini suggests the below strategies:

  • Understand the root cause: "It's crucial to explore and understand the origins of your anxiety. This self-awareness can be a significant first step in healing."

  • Professional therapy: "Engaging in therapy, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy or psychodynamic therapy, can provide insight and tools to manage anxiety."

  • Building a secure support network: "Cultivating relationships that are stable and reassuring can help mitigate the fear of abandonment."

  • Fostering independence: "Developing a sense of self-reliance and independence can reduce the anxiety associated with separations."

  • Self-regulation techniques: "Practices such as mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing can help manage immediate anxiety symptoms."

  • Gradual exposure and desensitisation: "Gradually exposing oneself to the fear of separation in a controlled and supportive environment can help reduce the intensity of the anxiety over time."

  • Reframing negative thoughts: "Challenging and changing catastrophic thinking patterns related to separation can alter one's emotional response to these situations."

"Each individual’s journey through separation anxiety is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another," Santini adds. "It's important to approach healing with patience, compassion, and the understanding that recovery is a process that takes time and effort."

Additional reporting by SWNS.

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