My boyfriend lovebombed me, then used coercive control to take over my life

Tina Rickard*, 48, owns a home retail business and lives with her four children aged five to 18 in Newcastle. At first, her new boyfriend seemed like the perfect caring man, but soon he began using coercive control, secretly blocking her friends on social media and turning up at her work events.

Wandering up the supermarket aisle with a basket over my arm, I was so touched by the fact that Derek*, my new boyfriend, had offered to take it from me and carry the load. He was always doing things like this in the early days of our romance – tiny but kind and generous gestures that made me think he really cared.

In fact, these were the first signs that I was in a sinister relationship with a man who simply liked to be in control over me.

We met on a dating app in 2015. I’d been single for four years after my divorce and felt like I was in a good place to meet a new man. Looking back, I was probably still rather vulnerable. The year before, my daughters’ father – my ex – had died suddenly and it had been a huge shock. Despite our marriage breaking down, he was still their father and we had got on well. It had been devastating for my girls and now I faced the prospect of parenting alone.

When Derek walked into my life, shy and a little awkward and nervous, I really warmed to him. We had lots to chat about and after only our second date we slept together. Next day he was already asking, "Will you be my girlfriend?" which should have been my first red flag but with the excitement of this new romance, I agreed. He lived about an hour away so I felt confident that things couldn’t become too intense too soon.

Moving too fast

For the first few weeks, it was lovely to have someone else in my life after being on my own for so long. Within a month, he was telling me that he’d loved me but it felt too soon. I couldn’t say it back to him and asked him to slow down. But within three months, he was asking me to marry him.

Now I started to get a little nervous. He was behaving like a teenager in a first romance – not a man who had been in a relationship before and even had kids. I let him down gently, but he was very upset.

Six months later, he suggested he move into our home. Already he had been moving various items such as his clothes, toothbrush, radio etc into our house to save time, so it did make sense on a practical level. But once he’d moved in properly, his real dark coercive behaviour began to emerge.

Controlling my Facebook account

The first thing I noticed was that he had been snooping around on my social media account, having used my passwords. He kept asking me how I knew certain male friends on Facebook. These were simply friends – one or two were exes – but he was demanding to know whether I’d slept with them and I’d suddenly find I was no longer friends with them. He was blocking them.

At first I couldn’t work out how he’d gained my password. Then I noticed that he’d often hang around behind my back when I was logging onto the computer or phone. He had clearly been watching me type in my PIN numbers and passwords so I started changing them regularly.

When I told him that he needed to stay out of my social media and that my friendships and past relationships were none of his business, he’d get upset. We were having many arguments but I put this down to being in a normal relationship. You go through ups and downs and you learn to iron it out. But he continued to snoop. I think he was madly jealous because his ex had cheated on him before.

Obsessing over my exes

His coercive control continued. After he’d upset me, he’d always lovebomb me with kindness and compliments. I’d get flowers and presents and he’d bring out the sob stories about how he had once tried to kill himself. Looking back, I can see it was classic manipulative behaviour. Insidious and sinister but when you’re immersed in it, it’s hard to see. You’re like a lobster in cold water with the heat being turned up slowly. You don’t realise until it’s too late and you’re boiling alive.

One incident really sticks out in my mind. A former boyfriend called John* had some of my items from our relationship and decided to return them to me. For some reason, he left them on the doorstep. Derek was furious.

He questioned why this man would turn up and do such a thing and asked if we were still in a relationship. I managed to calm him down but a few weeks later Derek also read a text from a friend asking me about John and Derek kicked off again, insisting that I was still talking to him and even seeing him.

It was at this point that I should have got out. Derek completely shut me off, telling me he didn’t love me anymore and that I meant nothing to him. I was in shock. I felt sick. I had invested so much into this relationship and I now realise this was part of something called 'trauma bonding' where a manipulator creates a 'trauma' to make you feel closer to them. And it worked. I had to get back in his good books. But from then on, I was stuck.

He would check on me every single day to make sure I wasn’t talking to John in any way. He’d text me while out at work, it was the first thing he’d ask when he walked through the door, he took to checking my social media more regularly. He even found John’s social media account and started stalking him to check whether he was mentioning me or 'another woman'.

If John even mentioned a girlfriend or a relationship, Derek would go mad, saying it was me. He would turn up to the work events I was organising – pretending he was there to help me – but then he’d stick around and check up on me and who I was talking to. I would often wonder how he got time off work but I realised he was changing his shifts in order to be keeping an eye on what I was doing.

Turning against my daughter

His behaviour towards me was becoming increasingly strange but it was only when he turned on my children that my protectiveness as a mother kicked in. One day he had an almighty row with my 14-year-old daughter over something that really wasn’t her fault. I was there. But next day he 'gaslit' both of us, pretending that the row had never even happened and that we were both making it up. We were so confused. But I knew there and then that it was the end and asked him to leave.

He switched back immediately to his other persona – apologetic, helpful and kind. But something had clicked inside me and I told him to get out. It was such a relief but even after I’d split up with him, his creepy coercive nature was still evident. I had asked him for his keys back but he would suddenly turn up at all kinds of hours – possibly hoping to catch me with another man. I’d have to leave my keys in the keyhole so he couldn’t get in.

I started getting in touch with people on social media, unblocking friends he’d blocked for me and several had said they had been worried about me. John in particular said he’d been concerned about how Derek was treating me as he’d noticed that he’d started following him on Twitter. I still know he’s looking at my social media today and that terrifies me. I wish I could turn it all off but I need it for my retail business.

Today, I no longer see him. I reported him to the police for harassment after he kept texting me and it was the police who made me see that I had been abused. I finally felt like I wasn’t going mad. Now I no longer see him, although he lives in the same city and I know that I could bump into him at any point. I felt very paranoid for a while, convinced he was watching us.

Red flags

Today I want to share my story to warn other women what to look for when it comes to men like Derek. The first thing is to ask if your friends are suddenly 'disappearing' or they’re telling you they’re worried about your new relationship.

Coercive partners often isolate their victims. You also need to trust your instinct. I knew deep down that something wasn’t right yet that voice got lost and pushed down because Derek was so overbearing and time-consuming. Even when I said I needed 10 minutes of space away from him, he’d come into the room and start pestering me. My confidence was completely eroded.

Seek out help from organisations like Women’s Aid who advise women on how to escape these relationships. After therapy via one of these organisations, I came to understand coercive control and I hadn’t even realised there was a name for it. It’s so well hidden, so insidious but incredibly dangerous. I’m glad I got out when I did.

For support and advice, visit Womensaid.org.

Names have been changed to protect identities.