How I rebuilt my life after losing my job, my relationship and my dad

Former TV presenter Melissa Porter, 51, is now a transformational coach. She lives in Cheshire with her partner Nick Freeman, 67, a criminal defence lawyer, and their son Pierce, 13. At the age of 40, she hit rock bottom, facing the loss of her father, her TV work drying up and realising her relationship was totally wrong for her. Here's how she built a whole new life...

Leaving my psychiatrist’s appointment where I’d hoped to get help for my depression, I really couldn’t believe how far I’d fallen from the highs of my previous life.

Four major life events had happened around the age of 40 and I was at a completely low ebb. My beloved father Aldo had died, I’d come out of a series of bad relationships, my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer and I’d been dumped by my TV agent of 15 years which had led to all my TV work drying up. I really had reached rock bottom.

In my hand was a prescription for Prozac, an anti-depressant that can work wonders for some people and would no doubt help me to feel better. But it was at that moment that I felt I had to make a choice and maybe there was another approach. It was a pivotal moment for me.

The glory days

In my twenties and thirties I enjoyed a wonderful – and successful – career working as a primetime TV presenter, appearing on shows such as BBC Countryfile and Escape to the Country as well as screen testing for shows in America with the channel NBC.

I loved my job and was very career-motivated. Although I’d had a short marriage in my early twenties – a big mistake – we divorced and I knew I didn’t want to settle down again. I poured all my energy into my work and it paid off. It felt incredibly fulfilling to be in a job that, at least from the outside, looks exciting and glamorous with lots of travel and meeting interesting people. I loved it.

But that was part of my problem. So caught up in the excitement of my career, I completely lost my head to it and surrounded myself with other people who had lost their heads to it. We were motivated by money and success and didn’t really think about anything other than ourselves or anything of value. I dated a string of unsuitable men, all friends of friends who were similarly inclined.

A difficult relationship

Then, when I was in my mid-thirties, my TV agent connected me up with a man in the US, a friend who she’d said was someone I could definitely trust. We started a relationship and I got pregnant within two years. But I should have listened to my gut instinct. Deep-down I knew he was never right for me.

As the father of my son, he was critical to my life and I wish him well now. But I knew I was compromising my own life and shrinking aspects of my own personality while I was with him. It couldn’t last and we split up.

Within months, I lost my father, Aldo. His death just over a decade ago was one of the most defining points in my life. An Italian first generation, he had come over to the UK when he was 18 and became a self-made man. He put me through private school and always provided for me. He was funny and charismatic and I really loved him.

But it wasn’t until his death, after an 18-month illness at the age of 75, that I realised that despite my love for him, I’d been unable to escape his world view. Unsurprisingly, having come over from Italy, he was very traditional in his values, expecting women to cook, clean and look after the home, while the men provided. My mum Mary seemed to enjoy this role in family life but I knew it was never for me and she agreed with my dad that I was too picky.

"You’ll never meet anyone to marry as you’re so lippy," he’d tell me. By this point it was hard not to believe him. I was a single mother with barely any work. My TV work had dried up after my agent dropped me which was most likely due to her friendship with my ex and my sense of self-worth went through the floor. We are all defined by things like our work status, our marital and family status and for me, work was a huge part of my life.

Just two months after my dad’s death, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. It felt like life couldn’t throw any more stress my way. This was the point where my psychiatrist prescribed Prozac and I made the decision not to take it. Instead I wanted to try something radical.

A life-changing week

I signed up to a week-long course of intensive psychotherapy called the Hoffman Process to help me navigate my grief about losing dad and trying to find my place in the world. It’s a particularly hard course and not suitable for everyone. It has lots of different exercises designed to help you navigate trauma.

Those who go on it are told not to really speak about what happens so when I signed up to it, I had no idea what to expect. But it’s like peeling an onion and accessing parts of yourself and your personality that have been hidden away. It was incredibly tough and I felt so vulnerable.

But it was transformational. I came away from that course knowing that I’d been asleep emotionally all my life and had to work towards, not necessarily feeling 'happy' but feeling 'real'. I’ve always been a great believer in being able to make money from doing something you love so I decided to train as a counsellor. I wanted to help other people who didn’t know who they were or didn’t understand their own power.

A fulfilling new life

After three years, I decided that I wanted to be a coach instead, my dynamic coaching style is better suited to this type of training rather than simply counselling. I absolutely loved it and became obsessed with the feeling of fulfilment that comes through transforming people’s lives. I was supporting other people in achieving their dreams and in turn, that gave me energy.

Meeting Nick came at just the right point in my life. It was five years ago and I had just been to India to do a meditation course and was feeling so happy and relaxed about life that perhaps I was open to finding love again. Nick and I were introduced through friends and they’d asked me if I was interested in going on a date with him but I didn’t think he was my type.

But after I returned from India I had a bump in my car. Nick is a legal expert in motoring problems so I called him for some help and that’s when he asked me out. He took me to a local coffee shop called California (he knows I have always wanted to live in Los Angeles) and I can honestly say our attraction was instant. We have so much fun together and he’s also really grounded and caring.

Nick is officially now Pierce’s adoptive father and we couldn’t be happier. He’s the person I trust most with everything I value, someone I can spend weeks with and never get bored. I’ve realised that to attract the right person who will love you for who you are, you have to love yourself as well.