Questions to ask yourself … to fix your love life
What do I know would be great for my relationship but is very hard for me to commit to? Why is it hard?
This is about asking people to move out of the automatic ways they think about their relationships. In the background, they’ve probably heard many times from their partner what they need, and have found all sorts of ways to ignore that information because it’s hard for them. One person might be asking for more warmth – to hug once in a while, say – and for all sorts of reasons the other person might be withholding that, or they’re not wired that way. But it’s not such a hard give. It can also be something as concrete as, “Remember I don’t eat ham when you’re cooking.” Could you push yourself to be more generous and go beyond your own limits?
What outing will require the most “sacrifice” from me and be the most enjoyable to my partner?
If your partner likes to go to art galleries and you’re not interested, what would happen to you if you went? It’s just another way of making concrete the idea that you can extend your own horizons if you listen better to your partner.
When do I feel the most benevolent, able to care and give freely to my loved one/s?
Knowing the conditions where you can get in touch with a feeling of generosity is a good feeling to have in your muscle memory, because couples generally find the most satisfying, moving moments between them when they’re both in a state of benevolence. Those moments are the honey of a relationship, so if you can create more of the circumstances when you feel that way, you’ll have more of the honey.
When have I felt the least able to give, and what have I been most concerned about?
This is the exact opposite state – when you feel threatened or depleted. It’s good to know it’s a state, so not for ever, and an area of vulnerability and risk. This isn’t an annoyance – the sound of a fork on a plate – but the emotional conditions that make people feel at risk, so they tighten up. It depends on a person’s history and what they’re bringing into a relationship, but it could be if they feel unseen or controlled, or something reminds them of a past trauma. I see a couple where one is very possessive and sensitive. If they go to a party together, or hang out with certain people, that provokes jealousy. Each couple works out a different mechanism for dealing with that information, but awareness is useful.
What difficulties does my partner need most compassion for?
In serious couples work, people learn to take a second look at their partner. By asking this question, you divert your attention to areas you’re less conscious of but do know about. It’s about reconnecting with your partner’s vulnerabilities and where it’s hard for them. When you live long enough with a person, you know their areas of vulnerability, but might not think about it because you’re too preoccupied with yourself.
What do I wish to be forgiven for?
This has to do with people being accountable. In all relationships you do harm, and it’s important to pay attention to that and ask for forgiveness. It can be anything from just plain selfishness to lies or betrayals, and it takes courage to ask for forgiveness, but it’s often a very healing chapter in a relationship.
Related: I’ve seen everything as a counsellor. But Couples Therapy still has me gripped
Where am I most stubborn in our relationship? What is it I’m trying to protect?
We all have areas in which we get tight and inflexible. Those could be small things, such as loading the dishwasher in a particular way, or it could be world politics. Usually when you’re stubborn, there’s an underlying issue – something that matters to you or some vulnerability – and it’s good to drill beyond that and understand what’s at the heart of the matter. The goal is a state of mind of flexibility and creativity. Stubbornness often has a mad, irrational quality to it, and what’s cool about humans is when they realise they’re being stubborn, they often laugh.
What am I craving most from my partner? Can they satisfy that need?
People sometimes have very deep cravings they bring from long ago, or from fantasies they have about relationships. These might be completely impossible for their partner to satisfy, whether it’s craving a best friend to go mountaineering with, when your partner has a fear of heights, or wanting someone to be deeply emotionally attuned when your partner is somewhat on the spectrum. The experience for the partner is that they’re always disappointing. I see this a lot. With some needs – such as self-esteem or confidence – the partner is not the right tree to bark up. People feel disappointed that their partner is not making them feel better about themselves, and the partner feels overwhelmed by the demand. But self-esteem and confidence can’t come from outside; they have to do with a person’s relationship to reality.
What do I wish my partner saw in me? What does my partner most wish for me to recognise in them?
If there’s something you value in yourself but your partner doesn’t, that’s disappointing. It’s not easy for people to change what they value in the world, but with in-depth work they can. Otherwise, there are certain areas where you have to accept limitations. What is the block that means people don’t see this quality? There’s narcissism, self-absorption, self-centredness and some people just don’t have certain sensibilities. For a couple I work with, the husband is a businessman, and the wife is an artist who has no clue about the world of business, so she can’t really appreciate his talent, which is a source of frustration for him. There are ways you can sensitise people to things they’re dense to, but with a certain limit: the artist is not going to become interested in business deals, but she can feel proud of her partner.
What am I trying to change in my partner? Can I imagine letting that project go?
Generally, people coming to couples therapy each bring their partner so I can help to change them. It’s disappointing to hear that’s not my job, and therapy has to do with learning who your partner is, and how to love them. There’s a lot you can change in yourself to live better with your partner the way they are. There are certain areas it’s legitimate to ask people to work on – if someone is rude or too selfish, they should change – but other areas in which people are themselves and it’s important to accept and respect that. An example would be someone who wishes her husband was more ambitious. If she’s missing ambition in her life, she could generate that herself, rather than pressure him. That “unambitious” husband is at home for the kids’ bedtime every night, but she’s not noticing that, she’s noticing he’s not earning more. Sometimes there can be positives to what you’re perceiving to be a negative.
