The photo backlash every parent dreads has happened to me – and I’m heartbroken

I only wanted to take a video of my children and post it on Instagram. I was on a train to Cornwall with my two youngsters – eight-year-old Lola and six-year-old Liberty – high above the river crossing the Tamar Bridge and under a glorious blue sky. Liberty struck a model pose, and all seemed fine. But when she saw me poised to publish the video to my Instagram, she demanded I stop. And, in the future, always ask for her permission first.

Liberty wasn’t normally so camera-shy, and a few days later it happened again. As I grabbed my phone to snap my children hanging off a tree branch looking like flower fairies, she scowled at me. “You’re not posting it on Instagram, are you?” she asked. “I don’t want you to post anything of me.” She then started to cry, and didn’t stop until I promised to delete it. Then she asked me to delete every photo and video already on my Instagram that has her in it.

I never thought it would be my six-year-old putting her foot down with a no-post rule – it’s usually parents who make those kinds of requests. And it felt like the end of an era. No longer could I just spontaneously post treasured snapshots. Suddenly it was all under scrutiny.

It’s obviously controversial to post pictures of children on social media. There are concerns that it can put their privacy at risk, and make them vulnerable to identity theft or even predators. But, rightly or wrongly, it’s something I’ve always done. Really, I look upon it all like a visual diary. I don’t want to erase all the memories, either, and neither does my older daughter.

Liberty’s perspective on photos had changed and I was desperate to know why, and whether it was something more widespread with children her age. Chris McCarthy, of the advocacy group Quit Clicking Kids – which aims to protect children from being overzealously posted online without their permission – tells me that she’s witnessed a “concerted backlash” from young people who make regular, non-consensual appearances on their parents’ social media feeds. “There are many individual cases where children are now requesting an ‘offline presence’,” she explains. One potential reason is that doing the opposite “creates a digital persona for them before they’re comfortable with who they are”.

“A post that is published without their consent could start cementing the way that others see and interact with them,” she continues. “This is especially concerning if parents are posting personally identifiable information about their children online, which has the potential to hinder a child’s safety.”

Dr Amanda Gummer, The Good Play Guide

According to Dr Amanda Gummer, founder of The Good Play Guide, a six-year-old child is also beginning to develop a sense of identity and autonomy, and becoming more aware of how they are perceived by others. “This newfound self-awareness can lead to discomfort with having their photos shared publicly, especially if they are starting to value privacy or feel embarrassed about certain images,” she says. “It’s also important from a safeguarding standpoint that children feel they have control over their own bodies and that includes photos of themselves.”

Her advice to parents is to respect their child’s growing autonomy and involve them in the decision-making process. “Before posting photos, ask for their permission and explain how social media works in age-appropriate terms. This helps children feel heard and teaches them about consent and online privacy in an age-appropriate way.”

At the time of Liberty’s anti-Instagram stance, I tried to understand what had provoked it. “I just don’t like it!” she said angrily upon further questions. I tried to negotiate with her, telling her I just loved capturing memories of the three of us. “I don’t care,” she shot back. “You can do it but just not with me in them.” She even went through a phase of not wanting any photos taken of her – regardless of them being posted or not. I was baffled – how could I take a family photo of just me, Lola and Muggles the dog?

I asked again what was the matter. “I look silly,” she said. “Everybody will laugh at me.” I told her that no one would laugh at her – that she’s beautiful. “Prove it,” she replied. So, I reluctantly got out my phone and showed her all the likes her photos had received. I read her some of the comments too – “so stunning”, “what beautiful photos.” She smiled and fell asleep.

It then dawned on me that I wasn’t helping by teaching her to get validation from Instagram likes – but I didn’t know what else to do. My own childhood pre-dated social media, so I had little experience to go on. But I do vividly remember the distinct moment when I became incredibly conscious of how I appeared in photos and who was seeing those photos – I was about 13. I would squirm with embarrassment and want the floor to eat me up – just as I did when my mum arrived at my school for parents’ evenings, even if I now realise she was the least embarrassing parent ever.

Nadia Finer, a shyness expert and the author of Shy and Mighty, wonders if the reason for Liberty’s fear of being judged, something incredibly out of character for her, has a specific source.

“Some people are born shy,” she says. “For some, shyness is inherited from a parent. But often shyness can come about as a result of something that happens, particularly when we are young.” Finer claims whatever might have happened has likely been blown out of proportion, and a child tends to internalise things like that instead of laughing them off. “Feelings of shame and embarrassment are keeping her small.”

But the good news, she adds, is that I’ve noticed the signs early on – that means I can take action to nip it in the bud. She advises talking about these feelings, sharing my own similar experiences, reaffirming the message that Liberty is beautiful – and insisting that it’s OK to make mistakes.

Since we’ve begun talking about it all, we’ve even made progress. Liberty now allows me to take photos of her, but has to approve anything that goes on my feed. I think that’s a fair outcome.

I’ve also come to realise that this is all a learning curve for me, and that I’ll have many other challenges with my children’s online presence as the years go by and technology continues to evolve. But in this instance at least, I should have known Liberty wouldn’t have wanted pictures of herself posted online by someone else. The truth is: I’d hate it, too.