‘My partner’s fetish has made me insecure - I wonder if I’ll ever satisfy him’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping woman kind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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My boyfriend cheated on me last year when I caught him sexting previous flings. He’s since changed a lot, gone to therapy, and we’ve decided to work on our relationship through couples counselling. The majority of the women he cheated with are obese. I was aware he had a fat fetish prior to finding out about the cheating, and being curvaceous myself it never really bothered me (I have my own kinks too). But the fact that he was looking for external validation from women that are a lot larger than me has made me insecure. I know the cheating had nothing to do with me, but I still find myself questioning if I’ll ever satisfy that kink/want. Any advice on how to navigate this would really help!
Lala says…
One of the worst things about infidelity is that it really does make you question yourself. Even though we know that cheating is very rarely about the person being cheated on, it is about the one doing the cheating, it can be extremely difficult to move on from the feelings of not being good enough or not being hot enough to keep them focused on only us. His infidelity was about his own issues, whether that be lack of boundaries, emotional turmoil, insecurity, his cheating was about his choices, not about your body or your ability to satisfy him. His actions were a reflection of his own issues, not a commentary on your worth or attractiveness.
Does he have a kink or a fetish? Because that might make some difference. A kink is something outside of the norms that turns a person on a lot, a fetish is a deep interest in a specific thing, maybe a body part or behaviour, and that thing has to be present in order for the person to achieve any kind of sexual arousal. If he has a fat fetish then he needs his partner to be above a certain weight to be sexually aroused. If it’s a kink then it’s just his preference. We can safely assume that he finds you very attractive, he has chosen to be in a relationship with you after all. But it might help you to communicate about this to establish whether this is kink or fetish and whether he feels completely fulfilled in your sexual relationship. Having open and honest discussions about your sexual wants and needs is important.
Do not try to put on weight to please him. It’s easy to compare yourself to the women he cheated with, but the reality is: he wants to be with you, he has chosen you because he finds you sexy and adorable. He is actively working on the relationship because he wants to be with you, not them. The fact that he has a specific fetish doesn't diminish your value or desirability. Instead of worrying that you might not match up to his specific fetish remind yourself that you are enough and that his cheating and subsequent healing are his responsibility, not yours.
It’s great that he has committed to therapy and that you are going to couple’s counselling together. He seems committed to rebuilding the trust that he previously broke. It’s clear that you both want to move past the infidelity and be together. I think it’s important to note that his behaviour was pretty poor and that as well as hurting you, he may have also hurt the other women he cheated with. Maybe they felt that it was more than sexting. I hope that he has acknowledged and taken accountability for those actions. The thing that he may have been seeking in his interactions with those women is probably less to do with their weight and more to do with the forbidden nature, the danger, something different from the norm. He doesn’t prefer them to you. However, this should be the last time you’re ever made to feel insecure like this, it’s great that you can through this, but if anything similar happens again it’s clear that he isn’t committed to being better.
Ultimately, you’ve decided to stay together and that is fine, there is nothing to say that once a person cheats they will always be a cheat. He’s doing the right things to overcome it, but as his past actions have made you feel insecure, it’s important to express that you need extra reassurance and that you have boundaries around certain behaviors, things like no secrecy around social media. Individual therapy for yourself might be helpful if you’re struggling to move past these concerns, but I would hope that he is doing everything he can to reassure you that he finds you beautiful and desirable, if he’s not, I wouldn’t stay.
Cheating is such a hard thing to get through and it’s normal to still have some insecurities. You both seem to be doing well to overcome the trauma of the infidelity and rebuild your relationship. Remember that your worth or attractiveness are not defined by whether you meet someone else’s kink and they are not defined by being cheating on. Keep communicating, keep working on it, but if it doesn’t improve then perhaps it’s time to move on to someone who you feel more confident with.
