‘I keep attracting abusive men - I think there must be something wrong with me’
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.
Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...
Dear Lala,
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I was chatting to a guy for two months before we met. He did the usual thing of pretending he was interested in me and my life, spending so long faking interest and sending long messages. We had sex recently and it was nothing like he said it would be. It hurt me a lot. He didn't do anything to make me feel good. It caused me a lot of pain. He seemed to enjoy it but he was annoyed that I wouldn't do certain things. He then didn't text me at all afterwards and has unfollowed me on Instagram. Out of all the men I could have spoken to, I chose him - another abusive one. It's like I have a radar that attracts me to them. Is there something wrong with me to keep being treated in this way?
Lala says…
No, there is nothing wrong with you. You weren’t treated like this because of who you are or because you deserve it or because you have something about you that men dislike. He treated you badly because he wanted to and you probably weren’t the first and you probably won’t be the last. He finessed you into bed by feigning interest, he hurt you during sex, and then he ghosted you. He likely knew what he was doing all along and had no intention of being there post sex. He probably treats a lot of women like this, to feed his broken ego. Using women for sex, and causing them physical pain in the process is a clear sign that this man is a misogynist. It’s not you, it’s him, he doesn’t appear to respect women.
The radar that you feel you have that attracts bad men isn’t actually a radar. It could be happening for a few reasons. Those who are controlling or manipulative, often seek out people who are kind, nurturing, and empathetic. If you naturally want to help or fix people, you might attract those who take advantage of that. They have a radar for people who are vulnerable and easy to manipulate. It’s really tough, because kindness and empathy are great qualities and you don’t need to change them, but you might need to work on other things, like spotting red flags more quickly, to stop your empathy being a disadvantage.
Can you think back to anything he said or did before you slept together that might have been a red flag for what was going to eventually happen? Can you recognise any patterns between the interaction you had with him and previous interactions with other men? Reflect on it all and see if you can identify any subconscious patterns that you’re unknowingly repeating. If you’ve experienced toxic relationships in the past (even with parents/family), you might subconsciously be drawn to what feels familiar, even when it’s not good for you. It can be hard to spot the red flags because love bombing or intense interest can feel like affection. Chatting to you for months, being interested in you, that probably all felt really nice, and it can be hard to spot the red flags that show that this is all about sex for them, because they do such a good job of being great in the lead up.
One thing that might help is committing to taking things more slowly. Wait to have sex with men until you feel respect and trust and a level of commitment. Make men wait. Not because of any misogynistic tropes about women who have sex too soon - we don't want men who would judge us for that - but because it will help you to avoid men who just want to use you. It’s not foolproof, some manipulators are in it for the long haul, but waiting until you’ve had lots of dates and you’re in something more established before getting intimate can help to weed out the users. And make sure they date you properly, if they want you to date at home then it’s a bad sign. They should be taking you out, it doesn’t have to cost anything, a walk in the park is enough, but they have to want to properly date you.
As a woman on the dating scene, especially if you’re using dating apps, you will encounter men who are looking to s**g and run, you will encounter men who have abusive histories and tendencies. It’s almost a guarantee. We all attract these men, ALL of us do. However, attracting them doesn’t mean we have to give them our time. We are more likely to if we’re dating while we have low self-worth. The more confident you are in what you deserve, the less likely you are to entertain bad men. The more content you are with being single, the less likely you’ll be to sacrifice your peace for a wrong’un. So, work on your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself. My book might help you to navigate the craziness of modern dating and learn how to spot f***boys and their red flags more easily.
It’s crushing to feel like you’re the reason for your own mistreatment when you’re not. But if you keep chasing the familiar, you might unknowingly invite the same pain. Take a break from dating. Rebuild your confidence. When you’re ready, try stepping outside of your usual type. Try something new, someone different, with different qualities to what you normally find yourself going for. And next time, focus on the green flags, kindness, consistency, emotional maturity, wanting to date you and see you consistently. No sex or falling for people until those green flags have not just appeared, but stayed.
