People Are Calling Out "Normal" Things Families Do That Are Actually Toxic, And It's Spot On
A while back, we wrote a post where the BuzzFeed Community shared "normal" things families do that are actually toxic. In the comments, readers shared more surprising signs of toxic family dynamics. Here's what they had to say — as well as the original comments that started a huge discussion:
1."When you confide something personal to a family member, and then, they tell your secret at the family gathering in front of everone because 'we are family!' This makes me so mad."
"This person is now crying and asking why I'm not talking to him anymore."
2."Treating children as fashion accessories or 'mini-me's.' They are their own people who will develop how they develop — not vessels for parents to live vicariously through."
"Prioritising how they look for your social media or social image, especially when they object to it, is not being a good parent."
3."Making kids have to live up to labels. I was the 'Smart One,' my brother was the 'Bad Kid,' and my sister was the 'Pretty One.' We've never been able to completely break through those identities that were forced upon us."
4."When parents make comments about their kid's weight. On top of getting made fun of at school and by my sibling, I've dealt with that on-and-off throughout my life from both parents (even my grandma a couple of times); my mom didn't so much mean it in a 'mean' way but as a way for me to 'realize' what shape I'm in so I can be more motivated to do something about it. My dad just did it out of anger. But it was still very degrading for me."
5."When I was little, I had an aunt who would tickle me every time I saw her. I absolutely hate being tickled. I would try as hard as I could to get away from her and scream 'NO' and 'STOP,' but it kept going, and it happened every single time I saw her. Guess who I don't talk to anymore? Parents, PLEASE give your children the choice to say no to hugs and physical contact!"
"The 'forcing the kids to hug or kiss a relative/family friend' thing always bothered me. I'm always the person that tells the kid, 'Hey you don't have to hug me — maybe a high five, and it's cool if not.' I don't make my own kid hug me; I never did. Yeah, it sometimes hurt when she was little — that pang of rejection when she said, 'No, thank you' — but now, I have an 18-year-old who is very vocal about her boundaries and enforces them."
6."Can we PLEASE stop talking to our children like they owe us something just because we gave birth to them?"
"They didn't ask to be here; they're children, not our own personal assistant."
7."When families sweep everything under the rug to appear like nothing is wrong. Things like communication, discussing feelings, and problem solving don't exist in this environment, and if anyone ever mentions a problem, the general attitude is that 'it never happened.'"
"I still love my family, but I keep a fair distance."
8."The belief that grandparents should spoil their grandkids is toxic."
"It's awful when you have your own family, and your parents refuse to not respect your choices when it comes to your kids. My mother-in-law would repeatedly disregard things we said even if it affected our children's health."
9."When families constantly ask questions like, 'When are you getting married? Have you found someone yet? Do you want me to set you up with XYZ? They would be great for you!'"
"Also: 'How much money do you make?'"
10."Expecting children to take care of their parent(s) when they're unwell or aging, especially when the child is still just a kid."
"I was shamed constantly by my aunt for not 'doing enough' for my mom, when in actuality, my mom was severely mentally ill, and even the nurses at the home where she lives now have difficultly caring for her. I was not a trained professional — I was just a teenager — so it's really shocking to me how much care I was expected to provide just under the guise of 'she raised you; now you owe her.'"
11."Corporal punishment. And you can't say, 'Well, I turned out fine.' I am not fine."
"There are many, many negative outcomes that come from using corporal punishment on children, and it stays with you. This intergenerational cycle needs to break."
12."I know there's a fine line, but don't hold back praise and compliments from your kids in an attempt to raise them 'humble.'"
"Obviously, a big head can be obnoxious, but if you go too far the other way, your kids will simply think you're not proud of them."
13."Talking sh*t about certain relatives for valid reasons and barely talking, but then inviting them to Thanksgiving, weddings, and other occasions to make everything look 'OK.'"
"It's exhausting to keep the image up. I don’t get why people who have no respect for each other want to spend special time and money on each other, even if it’s what society expects. If you don’t want them at your wedding or at Thanksgiving, save your sanity and make actual meaningful relationships."
14."Putting so much effort into getting 'the perfect family photo.' I hate it when someone puts so much pressure into getting the perfect family photo where everyone is required to smile and look nice."
"The pressure just stresses everyone out, making it even harder to smile. Having photos where the family is complete is nice, but not at the extent of people's sanity. Genuine photos that show off everyone's personality are way better than forcing every member of the family to smile when some are clearly depressed."
15."Just because they're your mom or dad or your elder does not mean you should NOT stand up for yourself when they do or say something to disrespect you."
"Nor should you feel guilt tripped into cutting them out of your life, especially if it's your parents and the 'I gave birth to you' card gets played. Respect goes both ways."
16."My parents always pitted us against each other. I'm the youngest, and I grew up hearing, 'Your sister never gave me this trouble,' or, 'We never had these problems with your brother.' It made me feel like a complete failure from a very young age."
"Because my brother was salutatorian, my sister was expected to be valedictorian, and thus, so was I. It's exhausting and demoralizing."
17."The 'blood is thicker than water' mentality, which means yeah, stick together and stick it out because you're family. That is SO toxic."
"Just because you all share DNA doesn't mean you all share the same opinions and behaviors — or that we are the same at all. A great family with great relationships isn't granted. You have to work at it like everything else. You cannot forgive or simply get over something just because they are family."
18."Narcissistic mothers/mothers-in-law: She thinks she's basically the Don of the family and makes everyone around her miserable."
"Fakes illnesses for attention and so she's never alone, hates when she isn't the center of attention, etc. Everyone is sick of her mess, but everyone HAS to deal with it because, 'Well, she's our mother,' and her husband thinks, Well, that's my wife. They also seem to be the type of mothers who desperately want grandchildren but run off every woman in her son's life. It's not some cutesy sitcom joke; it's a real-life MESS."
19."When families constantly put their children on the internet. I absolutely can't stand family vlog channels, especially ones that do stuff about potty training or their daughter going through puberty. Or if their kids are crying and melting down, and they just keep vlogging, making a joke out of it."
"Like, pick the kid up, comfort them, and put the camera down. Ever heard of consent? Your 2-year-old can't consent to being on the internet! Stop putting that online!"
20."When parents put an end to any request with 'end of story,' 'this isn't up for debate,' or any other version of the same. It kills any chance of a child learning self-advocacy."
And finally...
21."Never have your kids pick sides in arguments with the other parent. Just...don't. Sometimes, the kid will do it anyway, but it shouldn't be something they are required to do in the VAST majority of circumstances. When my parents divorced, they made me and my brother pick a side and choose who we'd live with most of the time. I chose our mom, and my brother chose our dad. After that, we just literally weren't allowed to change sides."
"Mind you, this choice we made was when I was 11 and my brother was 7."
What are some other "normal" things families do that are actually toxic? Let us know in the comments below.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
