Parallel parenting: A practical guide to finding peace after separation
Parenting after separation or divorce is never easy. The emotional complexities of the situation can make it even harder to maintain a collaborative relationship with your co-parent. If traditional co-parenting feels unworkable due to ongoing conflict or tension, there’s another approach to consider: parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting minimizes direct communication and conflict by establishing clear boundaries between parents. It allows each parent to make decisions independently within their own home, reducing opportunities for disagreement while prioritizing stability for the child. While it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution, parallel parenting can be a lifeline in high-conflict situations where collaboration simply isn’t possible.
Here’s what you need to know about parallel parenting—and how it could help you and your child find peace and stability in a challenging time.
What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is a co-parenting strategy designed to reduce conflict by limiting direct communication between parents. Unlike traditional co-parenting, where teamwork and shared decision-making are key, parallel parenting focuses on creating boundaries and giving each parent autonomy over their household.
According to verywellmind’s Amy Mezulis, PhD, co-founder and chief clinical officer at Joon, “The main challenges with parallel parenting are inconsistency in parenting styles; potential for conflict; and handling unexpected schedule changes.”
Dr. Mezulis also explains that “it can be difficult for children to have different parenting styles across homes, for example in terms of bedtimes, rules, chores, or expectations. Some children can flexibly adapt, but other children may have increases in behavioral or emotional problems when switching between vastly different environments.” Recognizing this can help parents proactively support their child’s adjustment.
The goal: Minimize conflict while providing a stable, supportive environment for your child.
Core principles of parallel parenting:
Boundaries: Communication is kept to a minimum and focused solely on the child’s needs.
Consistency: Each parent creates structured routines in their home, reducing uncertainty for the child.
Autonomy: Parents handle decisions independently, minimizing opportunities for conflict.
Related: My divorce taught me to say ‘yes’ to my kids—and myself—in a way I had never done before
Co-parenting vs. parallel parenting: What’s the difference?
Both approaches support a child’s well-being but differ in how parents interact and manage responsibilities:
Co-Parenting:
Parents collaborate on decisions and maintain open communication.
Shared routines and parenting styles create consistency across households.
Works best with mutual respect and constructive conflict resolution.
Parallel Parenting:
Parents maintain minimal direct interaction to avoid conflict, communicating only when absolutely necessary.
Each parent creates their own routines and rules within their household without consulting the other parent.
Designed for situations where communication is difficult or where high conflict prevents effective co-parenting.
Both approaches aim to support the child’s well-being but differ in how they achieve this goal. If collaboration isn’t possible, parallel parenting can provide the structure your child needs.
Related: How I created a village with my ex and his new partner
How to make parallel parenting work
If you’re considering parallel parenting, the key to success lies in clear boundaries and a child-focused approach. Here are practical strategies to help you implement it effectively:
Set Clear Communication Guidelines
Set firm boundaries on communication, using text or email for essential matters only.
Stick to the essentials. Keep your communication short and focused to avoid unnecessary conflict. Only discuss matters related to the child and avoid emotional topics.
Agree on a method for handling emergencies.
Create Consistent Routines for Your Child:
Align schedules for key activities like bedtime, meals, and school routines.
Maintain predictable rules in each household to reduce uncertainty and promote stability.
While complete alignment isn’t always possible, consistency in major aspects of your child’s life—such as schoolwork, meals, and bedtimes—can significantly help them adjust.
3. Define Custody Arrangements
Clearly define custody schedules and parental responsibilities.
Formalize agreements with the help of a mediator or attorney.
4. Maintain a Neutral Tone
Stay calm and professional in all interactions, focusing solely on the child’s well-being.
Avoid discussing personal issues or past conflicts.
5. Seek Professional Support When Needed
Consider family therapy or co-parent counseling to navigate challenges.
Help your child process their emotions by encouraging open communication.
Tips for thriving as a parallel parent
Parallel parenting isn’t just about managing the logistics—it’s also about prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being.
Practice Self-Care: Parallel parenting can be draining, so take care of your own mental and emotional health. By focusing on self-care, you’ll be better able to handle stress and show up as the best parent you can be.
Consider Professional Support: Therapy or counseling for both parents and children can provide much-needed support in navigating the emotional challenges of parallel parenting. A neutral third party can offer valuable guidance.
Keep the Child’s Needs Front and Center: When conflicts arise, remind yourself that your child’s well-being is the ultimate priority.
Celebrate Progress: Acknowledging progress, even in small ways, can be a helpful reminder of the strides you’re making toward stability.
The bottom line
Parallel parenting isn’t always easy, but it can be an effective way to reduce conflict and create a peaceful environment for your child. By focusing on boundaries, consistency, and their emotional needs, you can help them thrive—even in separate households.
You’ve got this—and your commitment to showing up for your child, even in separate households, is what matters most.
