Men Share Their Experience With Dating Apps That Have Left Them Losing All Hope
I recently asked men in the BuzzFeed community to share their experiences and struggles with using dating apps. The results were interesting to see how other guys view the social mingling of looking for love in all the tech places:
1."I've always been chunky, glasses, balding, and had only a factory line of dates using apps. This was in the 2015-2017 era, though. I had a lot of things working 'against' me, but I always had them coming back. The only 'hard part' was when you would create great conversation over a few days, and then when you went in to set up a day to go on a date, they completely ghosted you. I never understood that. I changed my info to say, 'If you never plan on actually meeting up, then don’t match,' and I never had the problem again."
2."It seems so silly, but I hate that apps make you pay for perks, and it's not like it guarantees a date. I mean, it shouldn't, but still, what's the point? If you don't have a face someone likes, paying for extra perks isn't really going to help."
—Anonymous, 28
3."Self-confidence. Being on them made me feel incredibly insignificant and unworthy as I rarely matched with people I was interested in getting to know. Even if we met for one date, it has never been a second date. Unfortunately, the common denominator is me, so I have tried to evolve, change, and become more successful, but still nothing. But, you also can't talk about these feelings as a man because then you're too emotional, even though men are supposed to be emotionally available. So my confidence has lessened even more than before dating apps."
—Anonymous, 35
4."The lack of any response or interaction from the women on the apps...that's the struggle."
—Anonymous, 42
5."Whenever I go on dating apps, more than half the women I match with are either single mothers, polyamorous people, or people who only want alcohol-based dates...none of them were remotely right for me. I did get one decent year-long relationship out of a Tinder date, but our age gap was a bit uncomfortable for me, so I ended it."
"Very glad I'm not on them anymore."
6."Dating apps have completely ruined my self-esteem."
"I'm only five feet tall, but my height never bothered me until I started using dating apps. I add photos of my doing activities and visiting places and fill my bio with fun facts about me and my interests. I also added my height to my profile because I know most women prefer taller men, and I thought that if they swiped right, then they would be okay with my height. I used dating apps for over a year and a half across four platforms and only got two matches that promptly unmatched me. No matter how often I updated my profile with new pictures or revised my bio, nothing changed, and I got no matches. This put me in a dark place, and I had to stop using dating apps and start to go to therapy because of it. I understand that five feet as a man is abnormally short, but it feels like I'm not worthy of love, no matter how much I try to improve myself. I stopped using dating apps and tried to meet people in person, but I heard that some women think that being approached by someone they don't know is creepy, and you could get posted on social media or get into legal trouble for approaching someone. Unfortunately, I don't think dating apps will go away. According to a paper by Michael J. Rosenfeld, almost 40% of couples meet through dating apps, which seems to get higher and higher. I hope to find someone who can look past my height (no pun intended)."
—Anonymous, 27
7."I'm overweight, poor, and not blessed with good looks. I like to think I have a good heart and can carry on a halfway decent conversation. My problem: All you see of me on Tinder, Hinge, or Bumble is my face. My face will not be a selling point on any first date. So, every time I log on to those apps, I have to wonder if sending a message is worth the inevitable silent and empty inbox."
8."Online dating has been disheartening, to say the least, but I hope others will read this, connect, and maybe have clearer intentions and more confidence before entering the game.
"I used Hinge. My friends (men and women) told me that's where the serious potential partners were. I read each profile before swiping, and the women I matched with 'checked all the boxes': kind, well-educated, independent, ambitious, and adventurous. After two months, I had over 70 matches (a great boost for my self-esteem). But of that number, only about half of the conversations went anywhere past one or two texts. Usually, I'd ask a question and be left to read. I offered first dates to 20 (and I'm talking simple first dates, like dinner, coffee, or a walk in the park.) Three asked for rain checks but never followed up, two said yes but flaked before the date, and six stopped texting altogether. That left nine first dates. They were all nice women, but most lacked any previous dating experience. It's not like that's a prerequisite —I've just found my self-awareness and expectations were very different after some long-term dating. I saw two of the matches for a while until it was clear that our long-term values didn't match (and it was the same issue: I want kids someday vs. she wanted no kids whatsoever). We ended things amicably. All in all, I'm not upset with the women I dated. Rather, it's the ones who made no effort after matching on a dating app. If you're not really going to meet me, why did we match? Better yet, why are we still talking? Why are you here if you don't want to go out? No one likes these apps. So let's meet in person to determine if we want to be together. But the Hinge penpal game is such a waste of time and energy. I don't think it's a gender issue, either —sometimes I feel like my age group has learned to live their lives on the sidelines. "Situationships" and nonconfrontation are the rule, not the exception. Meeting in person makes it "real", but isn't that what we came here for anyway?"
—Anonymous, 24
9."I have had women match with me several times, and I’m lucky to get more than one message a week. I was just looking at my two matches on Hinge this morning. One of them last messaged me on Sunday, saying they would get back to me on Monday, and the other last messaged me on Monday. She asked, 'How are you?' and I responded and asked the same. No response three days later."
10."0-1 matches here and there. Literally, that's it. And the one or two I get are usually DOA — no response, no nothing, or if there is anything, then it's a couple of halfhearted messages and then nothing. Average or below-average men are considered garbage on there — it's horrifically demoralizing, and I hate God every day for not making me good-looking. And naturally, there's no point with in-person approaches or 'friend groups!!!' as if that'll magically make you attractive and give you six packs, a jawline, money, status, and charisma. Life is empty and nothing but utter, utter pain, and I have slept alone in my bed for my whole life, i.e., nearly 10,000 days at this point. God, if he exists, must hate me."
—Anonymous, 26
11."We probably don't just have different problems than women and some men assume that women have it easy since they are not experiencing their specific problems. I saw an analogy recently that I love: For men, OLD is like trying to find fresh water in the desert. For women OLD is like trying to find fresh water in a swamp."
12."I'm a guy in my late 50s looking for an LTR with a lady of a similar age. I don't get many matches, but they are of high quality. I'm not trying that hard and dating about once per week, which is about all I have time for anyway."
13."My experience as a 35M single dad. Don't be a weirdo. Don't make things sexual over chat. Make a plan for a date after a back-and-forth conversation. I'm not currently on the apps, but when I was, I never had an issue setting up a couple of dates per month, which is all I really had time for anyway. My female friends seem to have a harder time than I did. They seem to have difficulty weeding through the guys who don't follow the abovementioned things."
14."The apps want women to engage. The apps want men to pay. The entire experience (women getting tons of matches, men getting just a few) is designed to make sure that they have a sufficient quantity of women active on the system at any given time to encourage men to 'find out who they are.'"
15."I live near one major metropolitan area and one mid-sized city, and I’ve gotten two matches in the past month. One let the time expire, one messaged me once, and when I tried to start a conversation, they ghosted and then unmatched a few days later."
16."I’ve been more successful than most guys I know and have seen on here 6 months, and a few dozen matches with conversations with maybe ten or so dates. But I will say the quality of matches is mostly super low and just not what I’m looking for. Even though I think it’s much more difficult for men because of the number of men out there, I do believe that women have their own struggles with the app. I think most men would prefer to have the issue of too many matches, though, as opposed to none."
17."I get matches! I'm a 6'5 male, but the problem is that even if you get a match, it does not mean you are a match. I am very selective about who I swipe on, and I honestly always assume the conversation won't go anywhere unless a date is set up soon after first contact."
18."As a man, I get enough matches to keep me above water, though, and nowhere near as many matches as some men get. However, I don't use OLD exclusively to find partners/dates because I do far better in real life. I use OLD as a supplement, and the matches I get are 'quality.' So, while it does take more time for me (and most men) to get matches, it's not about the number of matches. It's about the quality. Then again, I filter out pretty heavily and am very specific about who I swipe right on, so maybe that's why, lol."
19.And finally, "The issue is that a lot of women are matching with a very small percentage of men. So it’s only natural that many of those men don’t have the time to message you back, or even go on a date. Only a small percentage of women, the top percent, will get those guys. Basically, the dating app is a chance for women to date out of their league; I guess some guys also, to some degree."
Have you had any struggles with dating apps? Comment below and share your experience!
H/T to r/Bumble
