The Customer Has Every Right to Be Disappointed, but They Don't Get to Be Nasty

Please know that no one in the restaurant industry goes to work with the intention of giving bad service. Servers in particular want everything to go as smoothly as possible because their tip is directly influenced by the experience of the customer. Since many servers in the United States make substantially less than the standard hourly minimum wage, those tips are important. Every server wants to give good service, but sometimes things run amok and when that happens, customers have a right to be disappointed and may feel the need to complain.

Whose fault is it when a meal goes wrong?

This is when a server has to activate their conflict resolution stealth mode. No matter what the issue is, the server is the direct contact for the customer and the first one to hear the complaint. The first thing I want to do as a server in that situation is to empathize. I try to put myself in their seat to see things from their perspective. Yes, I too would be upset if I had waited 20 minutes for food and then was told the kitchen was out of what I had ordered. It’s not the server’s fault that nobody told them there were only two petite filets left and Christina ordered both of them for Table 12 and then the manager didn’t bother to write it on the 86 board or remove it from the computer.

Related: The Fine Art of Telling a Customer to F Off

"Annoyance, frustration, exasperation, sure — but rage is never necessary."

Darron Cardosa

If the restaurant messed up, can I yell at someone?

The customer has the right to be disappointed, but I hope they also have empathy. I don’t know that they have the right to be angry. Of all the emotions, anger seems the least likely to ever be needed as a restaurant customer. Annoyance, frustration, exasperation, sure — but rage is never necessary. A good server will apologize, offer a complimentary glass of wine or cocktail, and ask the customer to reselect with the guarantee that their order will go to the front of the line. A good customer will accept that things don’t always go as planned and welcome the compromise. Some customers will still demand to see someone in charge.

Related: More Compassion, Less Yelling

Should I ask to see the manager?

Enter the manager, who will offer the same resolutions as the server did, but will do so while not wearing an apron — which makes it seem more official. Even though the manager can make decisions the server can’t, they won’t be able to make the impossible happen. No amount of complaining is going to make another petite filet appear out of thin air, so release the disappointment and maybe take a second to recognize that you’re still in a restaurant and fortunate to be here.

Related: If You Need to Speak to the Manager, Here's How to Ask Without Being a Jerk

But what if they don't have the dish I wanted to order?

I once had a customer order a Chinese chicken salad not realizing it had been taken off the menu a few weeks earlier. When I told her it was no longer available, she was shocked and said, “Oh, my God, how awful is that?” This was sometime in late September of 2001. I replied, with, “Well, considering the scope of recent world events, I don’t think it’s that awful at all. What else can I get for you?” She quickly realized that not getting exactly what she wanted for lunch wasn’t the end of the world. She didn’t need to see a manager and she pivoted to a chicken Caesar salad.

Related: How to Handle Restaurant Screw-Ups Like a Grown-Up

But I'm so mad! Can't I take it out on someone?

Sometimes it feels like being a customer is harder than ever. We’re all so used to immediate gratification, typing on a keyboard and having what we want days, or even minutes later that when something doesn’t go the way we wanted it to, we see it as a personal affront. It’s not. Those in customer service are just trying to reach the bar that is constantly being raised and it’s hard to keep up. Dining out is a collective experience with lots of moving parts to make everything just right.

Related: Before You Write That Negative Restaurant Review, Know This

If something disappoints you, know that your server is disappointed too. Swallow that disappointment as easily as you would the complimentary limoncello and let it be. Express your dismay, but don’t dwell on it. We’re all in this restaurant together and nobody wants you to have a bad time, I promise. Empathy is a two way street. When you’re happy, the restaurant staff is happy. It’s a symbiotic relationship that can be messy and personal, but when it works, it’s so rewarding.

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