Sure as the rising sun is the knowledge that somewhere, somehow Gwyneth Paltrow will be adopting a weird and wonderful lifestyle trend that most civilians would balk at. Her website, Goop, is the gift that keeps on giving – a myriad of beauty treatments, wellness exercises and life advice that inadvertently serves as an entertaining parody for 21st century capitalism.
Without further ado, we chart 10 ways to live your life like Paltrow - providing you have endless spare time, limitless disposable income and, of course, understand that water gets upset really easily.
1. Steam your vagina every once in a while
In 2015, Paltrow recommended vagina steaming to rebalance female hormones and for the super clean uterus you had always wanted. Fortunately, it is only available in LA. "The real golden ticket here is the Mugwort V-Steam. You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al."
2. Try ear seeds to ease stress and cure insomnia
They might sound questionable, but ear seeds are in fact rooted in acupuncture. These tiny balls of pure silver or 24-karat gold attached to adhesive stickers work based on auriculotherapy, which advocates that the ear is a microsystem that reflects the entire body. When pressure is applied to “auricular points” in the ear, it alleviates symptoms such as stress, insomnia and anxiety.
3. Enlist an energy healer to exorcise trauma
As promoted on Paltrow's Goop Lab series, energy healers work around the theory that physical and mental ailments can be treated by manipulating the "energy field" around a person's body. There is currently no scientific evidence to support that such energy exists.
4. Drink moon dust juices
Paltrow claimed in 2016 that she regularly drinks an expensive smoothie that includes an ambiguous ingredient called moon dust. She described the drink as "magic", asserting that the concoction had healing powers. Still no news on what moon dust is, although one of the said additional ingredients is parasitic fungus. Yummy.
5. Insert eggs in your vagina
Available to buy on Goop are jade eggs to be inserted in one's vagina to "help cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force". After you insert the egg, you then carry on with your daily routine. In 2018, Goop was forced to pay $145,000 for making unscientific claims about the aforementioned eggs, so take any recommendations with a giant pinch of salt.
6. Banish bad vibes with a vampire repellent
Goop recommends spraying its $27 vampire repellent around one's aura to ensure protection from "psychic attack and emotional harm". The potion contains "gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils", including abstract entities such as love and moonlight, which will allegedly shield you from toxic or negative people "who may be draining the life out of you". No word on the finer details of how this might work, or how one bottles moonlight or love.
7. Burn your bras to get over exes
Because in Paltrow's mind, women associate their underwear with the men that they've slept with. So how to free yourself of memories of your ex? Conduct a "fire ritual" because "the lingerie you wore with past lovers can carry the toxic residue of a relationship".
8. Only use sexual lubricant that you can eat
Goop expert Maggie Ney says a good rule to follow when buying sexual lubricant is, "if it is safe to eat, it is generally safe to apply". After warning against the "toxic effects" of lubricant, Goop thankfully gave us an answer - a product made with organic aloe barbadensis leaf juice, plant cellulose, natural tocopherols (Vitamin E), Cyamopsis, organic extracts of hibiscus, green tea, sunflower seed, potassium sorbate, and citric acid.
9. Try being stung by bees for beauty
Although Paltrow didn't explain what the effects of the bee sting treatment is, closer research reveals its official name is apitherapy – an ancient technique which apparently reduces inflammation and skin scarring. "It's actually pretty incredible if you research it," she told New York Times. "But, man, it's painful."
10. Be sensitive to the feelings of water
In 2014, Paltrow claimed that saying negative things to water can hurt its feelings. Her thought pattern echoed the work of Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto, who looks at whether human consciousness has a direct effect on water. "In his experiments, Emoto poured pure water into vials labelled with negative phrases like 'I hate you' or 'Fear,'" she wrote. "After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallised under the microscope: it yielded grey, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like 'I love you' or 'Peace' on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals." So remember everyone, water gets upset just as easily as anyone.
11. Don't get drunk. Ever.
To feel inebriated is to degrade oneself, says Paltrow who, unsurprisingly, never gets drunk. "I don't really go to parties where… I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it's incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, 'oh, you're really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public'."
12. Try investing in $956 toilet paper
Even Paltrow recognises the madness in this one, including The Standard for Josephier toilet roll in her "Ridiculous, But Awesome Christmas Gift Guide". She describes it as "the gold standard of toilet paper - for the friend who truly has it all."
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