My girlfriend broke up with me because I couldn’t have sex with her
How I was dumped is a Yahoo UK column in which anonymous writers share the shocking and heart-wrenching ways their relationship ended.
John*, then 33, hoped his sexual difficulties wouldn’t ruin an otherwise strong relationship with his girlfriend Elysia*, but eventually her attitude towards him started to change.
For many people, sex is a big part of a relationship, but for me, it’s never been easy. It’s also something I’ve never been particularly bothered about.
Don’t get me wrong, when I’m in a comfortable relationship with someone I love, I enjoy the intimacy of being naked and knowing their body inside out. But it’s not the be-all-and-end-all for me.
It’s probably why, since the age of 21, (I’m 40 now) I’ve only ever had three what you would call 'serious' girlfriends. Unlike some of my friends, I was also never one for one-night stands. I’m definitely more of a sensitive guy, preferring an emotional connection with a woman over a mainly physical relationship.
Alongside my indifference to sex, I’ve always struggled with premature ejaculation, or not being able to 'get it up' at all. I know this can be frustrating for a partner and can even make them worry whether I find them attractive. The amount of times I’ve had to use the phrase, "It’s not you, it’s me" is unbearable.
Looking for a cure
However, in 2016, when I was 32, I got together with my girlfriend Elysia*. We met on Tinder, chatted for a week or two, and then met up at a bar in Leeds. It started off casual, meeting up after work for drinks, but we soon found we were texting each other most days, and I’d be constantly checking my phone to see if she’d messaged.
Fast forward a couple of months and we were an item. We’d met each other's family and friends, we went 'official' on Facebook and things were going well.
I’d been upfront with her about my issues in the bedroom early on, and she’d seemed ok about it at first, reassuring me that it wasn’t a big deal.
I’d been upfront with her about my issues in the bedroom early on, and she’d seemed ok about it at first, reassuring me that it wasn’t a big deal and that she was more about the emotional connection, too.
That being said, I didn’t want us not to have a sexual relationship. So I did everything I could to boost my libido and, hopefully, limit any awkward 'can’t get it up' situations.
From Viagra (to help me get and maintain an erection) to desensitising spray (to delay ejaculation), I tried it all. She also tried to help, either massaging me or role-playing to try and turn me on. And, while it made things better, I could never last more than two minutes if I’d managed an erection.
All the while, Elysia promised me that it was fine and it didn’t matter, which made me feel 10 times better during nights when I couldn’t satisfy her sexually at all.
Sexual frustration
But, after about eight months of us being together, Elysia’s mood started to change. She began getting annoyed with me if we’d started cuddling and she wanted something more but I couldn’t give it to her.
Even though I knew she was starting to struggle with my sexual difficulties, I never expected us to break up over it. We had such a good connection, so much in common and we made each other laugh. I thought that because our relationship was so strong in other areas, we’d be able to put up with the sexual side of things.
She began getting annoyed with me if we started cuddling and she wanted something more but I couldn’t give it to her.
Sadly, one evening in 2017, just over a year after we’d first met, Elysia sat me down and told me that she was ending things.
"I love you and I hate to do this, but in retrospect, I realise that I need someone who can satisfy me sexually," she told me.
My heart broke, and I pleaded with her to stay. I suggested couple’s therapy, told her I’d go to the doctor, anything so that we could stay together. But it wasn’t enough, and she said she needed to end things to avoid hurting us both even more, further down the line. After a lot of tears from both of us, she left and went back to her own flat.
New beginnings
In the days and weeks after she left, I was gutted. I felt so full of guilt but also scared that this would keep happening to me again and again and that I’d never find a partner.
But, by some miracle, I’m now in a different relationship (my third), and we’ve been together for two years. We met on Tinder again in 2022, and I’m incredibly content. My current girlfriend has vowed that she loves me for me, and that sex or no sex, nothing is ever going to change that.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
Read more: All of Yahoo UK's How I was dumped stories.
