Here’s the gift I have given myself this year. I hope you get it, too

Editor’s Note: CNN writer Madeline Holcombe covers health and wellness, including mental health, diet culture, eating disorders and relationships.

Last year, I learned to eat the bagel without shame. This year, I’ve given myself peace from all the outside noise about food and bodies.

Making peace with food has been at the top of my priority list for a while. As a wellness reporter, I’ve seen the studies that show how restrictive dieting is ineffective. I’ve talked to experts about how unhealthy and unhelpful food shame and restriction is. I’ve written about how beauty standards are unrealistic and far too narrow.

But it still took a lot of work to quiet the ancient, inherited voice of criticism that would rage inside me while I stared down a plate of “forbidden” food — or even myself in the mirror.

Once I understood how I wanted to think about my body and the way I ate, I realized the world around me was still full of the talk that could pull me back into the mindset I had fought to escape.

In 2024, I have focused on building an environment around me that can help sustain a healthier, happier relationship with food and my body. I gifted myself peace — and here is how I did it.

Getting honest about what I was going through

Disordered eating thrives in secrecy and shame.

We normalize scoffing at how “bad” we are for having a cookie, saying mean things about our bodies in the dressing room, and swapping tips on how to feed ourselves less. And if no one discusses how that talk is affecting them, we can all go along as if nothing bad is happening.

So as difficult as it was, my first step was saying out loud how much I was struggling and asking my loved ones to help me.

It felt weird to open up, especially because even though my body size had fluctuated, nothing physically alarming was happening to me.

“I’m fine,” I would tell my friends and family. “But I’ve just noticed that I am being so mean to myself about my body and my food. I just haven’t liked myself very much, and I am telling you so it doesn’t fester in my head and so you know what is going on with me.”

Saying it out loud made the monster I was fighting feel a whole lot smaller, but I also saw my loved ones reevaluate their thinking.

Had they said anything cruel or unhelpful? I could see on each of their faces –– and then in their words –– how important it was to them that I feel loved, supported and happy in myself.

They might be saying mean things about themselves, but there was no way they were going to let that affect me.

Having responses at the ready

Few, if any, in my life were making direct or intentionally cruel comments about my eating and my body. But I did explain that even a casual critique about the food we were eating or bodies in general could be damaging.

“We’ve earned dessert after this workout,” or “That dress makes you look so skinny,” or “That looks so delicious, but it’s a food baby waiting to happen” weren’t meant to make anyone feel bad, but such remarks did turn the volume up on the critical voice in my head.

Even comments meant as compliments turned the attention to things I was trying to focus on less. To reorient myself and communicate what I needed from those trying to support me, I used a tip from experts I had spoken to and came up with helpful phrases to redirect.

I would kindly remind them that we weren’t exercising to earn anything; that balance is healthy; and that we shouldn’t ruin a good time by worrying about what we look like.

For the most part, it works pretty well. I see family and friends catch themselves and move on to something else, and it’s a verbal reminder to myself on what I am working toward.

Recognizing that everyone has a monkey on their back

Occasionally, the gentle reminder or change of subject away from bodies and dieting doesn’t work. Someone sticks to talking about calories, fat or even my body.

That used to make me self-conscious. It felt like a personal criticism when someone would tell me that I could reduce the calorie count in my favorite dessert by substituting the sugar or that a weighted workout might be more effective if I want to get in shape for my wedding.

But then I realized that, like most things, those comments really weren’t about me.

I remembered one expert telling me that we are all swimming in an ocean of diet culture, and it’s hard to realize we are in it when it is everywhere.

I am not the only one with a monster in my brain telling me that my body isn’t good enough or that something is wrong with me if I eat something high in calories.

And the more I’ve talked about my own struggles with body image and my relationship with food, the more I heard from people around me that they struggled, too.

After consciously reminding myself, I have come to see those comments from others as a reflection of how loud their inner critic must be that day. I can empathize with them instead of taking offense.

None of this is to say I have this down perfectly. I don’t know if it is possible to be completely unaffected by diet culture or banish the mean voice in my head, but I have gotten better at being the one in control of my life and putting that voice in check when it gets too loud.

It’s a gift — one I hope you give to yourself as well.

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