I was gaslighted by my ex. Should I confront him?
Dear A&E,
I’ve been in a happy relationship for three years, but recently I’ve started thinking about my ex. I’ve realised I was a victim of gaslighting without knowing it. He once left me on the hard shoulder while we were driving home from a restaurant because he said I’d been ‘too friendly’ towards a waiter, and he kicked me out of bed one night after I told him I loved him but ‘didn’t sound convincing’. Afterwards he always said I drove him to it, so I’d apologise. I can see now that I was being manipulated, but I don’t know whether to speak to him about it? It would help me get closure, but equally I don't want to jeapordise my current relationship. Help! — Lost
Dear Lost,
The thing is, you are not lost. You are found. A disturbing realisation is dawning on you and, although traumatic, it is a door opening; a portal with the potential to explain past and present behaviours and feelings. And you are not alone. As gaslighting and coercive control are starting to be written about and spoken about, so light is cast on the shame, confusion and grief that drenches these situations.
Feelings like yours are erupting all over the world, as people realise that dysfunctional and abusive behaviours in their relationships are not – or were not – OK. Even you writing to us will help someone somewhere. We salute you, Lost: you won. You are out; you have moved forward with your life.
Nonetheless, of course you are distressed. This man kept you destabilised throughout your relationship and your sudden insight into what occurred will have destabilised you once again.
We asked Emma Davey, narcissistic-abuse expert and founder of My Trauma Therapy, for her point of view on your experience. ‘This does sound to me like you were subjected to gaslighting,’ she says. ‘Gaslighting is one of the most dangerous forms of emotional abuse. The perpetrator manipulates their victim into believing everything is their fault. Over time, victims start to lose themselves and become a shadow of who they were and confused about what is and isn’t true.’ So there you go.
He may not have hit you, Lost, but this was certainly a dangerous relationship. Throwing someone out on to the hard shoulder of the motorway is hugely dangerous, and preventing people from sleeping (a common practice in wearing victims down and also, we should remember, a well-known method of torture) is perilous in terms of mental health and ability to cope.
His reaction to your supposed ‘offence’ with the waiter is an isolation technique and one that has victims desperately paranoid about their behaviour because the abuser will constantly move the goalposts in order to find new, punishable, crimes and misdemeanours. Often the start of these relationships are fairy-tale fantastic and so the victim will twist themselves out of shape to achieve mere glimpses of that initial nirvana. You are right to take this seriously.
But do not contact him, Lost. Do not reach out to the past. Emma Davey agrees and goes to far as to say, ‘It would be the worst thing you could do.’ He is history and incidental to your process now. He will deliver neither clarity nor closure.
Instead, it is time for professional, specialist help. Gaslighting has tentacles that reach into the future and you are probably suffering from some kind of post-traumatic stress, so you need a specialist counsellor to unpack your feelings and to reach closure, understanding and acceptance. Do not underestimate the fact that, although this happened some years ago, you still need to find ways to heal.
But look how far you have come… We are not going to call you Lost, we are going to call you Found. You have found some truth, you have found new love, and you will find answers and peace. You are amazing. We are very proud of you.
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Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk All questions are kept anonymous. The Midults are unable to reply to emails personally.
Telegraph readers share their advice for last week's problem:
Help! My husband and I can't stop bickering during lockdown
@Kay Dadson:
"I was discussing this with my daughter, who is also happily married, a few years ago and something she said really stuck with me and has especially helped during lockdown.
"She said that whenever she gets irritated by my son-in-law's annoying little habits, like his constant humming to himself, not putting the milk back in the fridge or leaving records out of their sleeves, she tries to imagine what it would feel like if all these things didn't happen any more because he was no longer around.
"I've applied that to my own relationship when things are starting to get on my nerves and it really works!"
@Jane Hanwell Ferguson:
"My husband and I have been married for 38 years and have developed a routine that suits us both.
"As we don't see each other and have individual interests we don't have much time to irritate each other, although I'm sure my untidiness probably gets on his nerves."
What advice would you give to our reader? Tell us in the comments section below and in the Telegraph Women Facebook group.
