Finding Reaching Orgasm Tricky? Try This Expert Advice
Struggling to reach orgasm when you're having sex with your partner? Not achieving the big 'O' is actually pretty common, with the Sexual Advice Association saying that around 50% of women experience sexual problems, including around hitting climax.
'Difficulty in having an orgasm is actually really common and something I see lots of clients for in psychosexual therapy,' says Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual and relationship therapist at the College of Sexual Relationship Therapists (COSRT). 'For many women, it isn't a problem at all and for some women it is.'
Am I anorgasmic?
Anorgasmia, often referred to as orgasmic dysfunction, is a type of sexual dysfunction where a woman can't orgasm – even with the help of adequate stimulation. There are several types of anorgasmia.
'You can have primary anorgasmia, where you've never had an orgasm,' says Woodbridge. 'Secondary anorgasmia is when you used to orgasm but stopped having the ability. And there's also situational – where you can orgasm in some situations but not others. Quite often, I see people who can orgasm if they are masturbating on their own but the minute their partner is involved, they can't.'
Why do some women struggle to come?
The inability to climax can be caused by a variety of factors, including exhaustion, stress, changes in hormone levels, boredom in the bedroom, physical illness and medications, such as antidepressants.
Some women struggle to orgasm because they fear losing control and being vulnerable with somebody else. 'A really common cause is shyness and embarrassment. Being able to relax in front of somebody and lose control can be difficult for a lot of people,' says Woodbridge.
'People can become self-conscious and get into this negative thought pattern – where they think too much about it and aren't really being present in their body.'
How can I orgasm through penetrative sex?
The majority of women aren't actually able to orgasm from sexual intercourse alone. In a study, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, four out of five women failed to reach climax through penetration without clitoral stimulation.
'Most women don't orgasm through penetrative sex,' says social psychologist Petra Boynton. 'And if they do, it's because they're grinding their clitoris on his pelvic bone – it's not actually to do with the penetration.'
And it's not uncommon for women to fake it to make their partner happy. 'It's extremely common to fake orgasms,' says Woodbridge. 'Once they've been doing it for a number of years, it becomes hard to be honest and admit that they've have never had an orgasm.'
How can I make myself come?
No woman (or man for that matter) should ever feel pressured to orgasm, and it's important to know that sex doesn't have to end with an orgasm. But if climaxing is important to you and something you want to achieve, try the following:
1. Masturbation is the key
It's unusual to find women who masturbate, but don't orgasm. 'I often hear women say they can't orgasm, but when asked, describe experiencing orgasm through masturbation on their own,' says Boynton.
Try this: If you've never orgasmed with a partner, try it on your own. Masturbation is something you can learn to do. 'As women, we're lucky to have an organ that it's only purpose in life is to make us feel good,' says Boynton. 'Explore touching your clitoris and see whether it feels good to touch it directly, around the sides or over clothing. Some women need a lot of stimulation, some don't.'
2. Invest in sex toys
Most women need direct clitoral stimulation for satisfying climaxes and sex toys can make this easier. 'They take all the hard work and do it for you,' says sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight.
Try this: For those new to sex toys, Knight recommends slimmer vibrators and ones with rabbit ears, which provide dual stimulation of both the clitoris and the G-spot, such as the Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Slimline. 'For a slightly more experienced user, I would recommend the Lovehoney Magic Wand. They give powerful vibrations and many women report more intense orgasms using them,' she adds.
3. Take the pressure off
Obsessing about orgasms can make it a lot more difficult to achieve one, say sex and relationship educators Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker. 'Trying to make them happen can make it quite frustrating. If we can start with how turned on we might be feeling at the start and following that feeling to see where it takes us, rather than trying to have sex to get to a point of orgasm, then we might start to be able to enjoy sex more.'
Try this: 'Instead of trying to have an orgasm, try to tune into what is hot; either what feels nice in your body, or hot thoughts, or both.'
4. Work out what pleasures you
Too often do we think of sex as being all about intercourse, but there are plenty of other avenues of pleasure you can explore.
Try this: 'Sex doesn't always have to involve penetration. Work out what you like, whether it's having your neck kissed, talking dirty, dressing up, using a sex toy or having someone go down on you,' says Boynton.
Sex and relationship resources
If you're worried about not being able to orgasm, speak to your GP. 'They can give you a full health check to see if there's an underlying medical cause or refer you to a gynaecologist, says Woodbridge. 'Psychosexual therapy can also help you deal with how it feels for you and discover other ways of enjoying sex.'
For additional help and support, try one of the following resources:
College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists: find therapists that are able to work with any relationship or sexual issues on this directory.
Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity: if you feel you are affected by sexual compulsivity, try the ATSAC.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network: the world’s largest online asexual community.
sh-womenstore.com: the Sh! Erotic Emporium has a wide array of sex aids and advice on how to use them.
nhs.uk: to check for any medical issues or be referred to a therapist, visit you local GP or local sexual health centre.
