Baby Reindeer resonated with me because my stalker ruined my life for 10 years

Jarlath Rice, 55, is a teacher of film and media production who lives in Brighton. For over 10 years, he was the victim of a manipulative and violent female stalker who made his life a living nightmare. Here, Jarlath shares his horrifying story…

Travelling on the bus into town, I was looking forward to an evening with my teaching colleagues at a bar round the corner from work. As the bus slowed down, my stomach lurched as I spotted a familiar figure standing on the pavement outside: the woman who had made my life an absolute living hell for over 10 years – my stalker.

Jumping off the bus, I yelled: "Get away from me!" as I dashed straight past her and into a supermarket. I reached for the compact camera in my pocket, something I’d carried for years for moments like this, so I could record any evidence of her erratic – or even violent – behaviour. I asked the cashier to call the police. We could all hear this woman screaming at me from outside so he got on the phone. She ran off and we waited for the police to arrive.

I had met 'her' in Easter 2007 in a café in Dublin. She seemed like a bubbly character and we got chatting – as people do – and swapped numbers. We even went on a couple of dates but I realised that she wasn’t my type. She was too emotional, needing a friend more than a boyfriend. I tried to let her down gently, get her some support and help but she took that as a sign that I cared.

At first, she would call my number at all hours of the day or night and call at my house, upset and angry if I didn’t answer.

Then she moved to a house nearby and would constantly drive past my front door. I’d pop to the shops or go to work in a local restaurant – and she’d turn up. I said to her many times: "I’m sorry, this is too weird, please stop harassing me, you’re not right for me and I’m not right for you so please leave me alone," but she just sought more attention.

Bombarded with sinister messages

Her behaviour took a more sinister turn some months later when she discovered I was working with a female friend and she threatened to go to this friend’s house with a hammer.

I was terrified and called the police who went to my stalker’s house and cautioned her. But at the time in Ireland, there were no such things as stalking laws. There was nothing they could legally do about her bizarre behaviour other than to tell her to leave me alone but that seemed to empower her and her messages became more and more sinister and disturbing. She kept messaging saying she had a knife and was cutting herself or was about to kill herself. I discovered that she’d even stalked another man before.

Apparently, she had 'destroyed his life' when he didn’t want to be with her and she would do the same to me. The thought of it absolutely horrified me. It sounds crazy but it wasn’t long before I was receiving thousands of calls, texts and emails every week.

Targeting my friends, family and colleagues

Two years passed and I was still being haunted by her. Early one morning I got a call from a friend saying: "What’s going on? You didn’t tell me you were getting married?" He’d been invited to my 'engagement party' via Facebook. I had no idea what he was talking about but looked online and she’d set it all up. It was outrageous. I begged her to stop, to leave me alone but she wouldn’t. Later on, she created some kind of 'love contract' that I was supposed to follow which meant we were to be married and have babies.

Emotionally and psychologically, I was drained. Anxious and paranoid, my mental health took a huge dive. It was now affecting my family too. She confronted my mother at home so she became scared to go into her garden. This couldn’t go on.

People ask: "Why didn’t you report her to the police, to a solicitor, to anyone?" but at the time, female stalking of a man was not taken particularly seriously. The laws were archaic and they couldn’t protect me from the attentions of a woman, as the police saw it I should be able to deal with it myself – a single man, 6ft 1ins and fairly well-built.

People would say things like: "She’s clearly mad about you, what’s the problem, just go out with her?" and I’d want to scream: "She’s dismantling my life!"

Every job opportunity or project would eventually unravel because she’d confront me in the street, show up at a studio, threaten collaborators or jam colleagues' phonelines.

On one occasion she actually turned up to my work wearing a huge sign around her neck with my photograph on it and saying I owed her thousands of Euros. My colleagues were stunned.

Losing everything

I called the police who told her to leave but all she did was go into the town where I lived, still wearing this sign. When the police picked her up again later that day, she was hysterical, screaming abuse. They locked her up and had her sectioned in a mental health unit but she was out in 24 hours.

I distinctly remember one police officer saying to me: "She’s never going to leave you alone" and when I asked what he could do about it he said: "There’s nothing we can do."

It was one of many low points. I ended up unemployed, I lost my house and went to a very dark place emotionally. There were times when I even thought about ending it all because I felt I was causing so much pain to friends, family and colleagues.

I lived constantly on edge but did my best to adapt and try to live life 'normally'. The years passed and still her behaviour was completely unpredictable. In 2013 I managed to start a relationship with a woman I’d known for a long time but one day my stalker violently attacked us both, almost pushing me through a plate glass window and leaving me with permanent shoulder damage. She was arrested and charged but got away with a fine. It was as if she always had a way out.

Public humiliation

In 2014 I travelled to the US for a few months and after I returned inevitably my relationship broke up. I struggled to maintain a quality of life and, with the support of friends and family, the following Autumn I moved to Brighton.

Life was ok for a while. I got a job working at a creative college with an amazing group of people and began to build a new life. Although she didn't know where I was and I'd changed my number, I was still receiving hundreds of emails from her every week veering from the extremes of threatening me to apologising to me. I’d block her address but she’d create a new one with a name such as loveyouandmissyousomuch@gmail.com and pleasedonthurtmeandsortthings@outlook.com

Eventually she found me. She started calling the college where I worked so often that she continually disrupted the phonelines and made it difficult for the office to function normally. At one work college event, she ordered hundreds of pounds worth of pizza to be delivered – it was so humiliating and embarrassing. Worse was the fact she started terrorising a colleague and stalking my sister and her husband and children.

Justice at last

To my huge relief, this time the police took things really seriously. Stalking laws had changed in the UK, they knew the dangers and they could see she was a violent stalker and something serious was going to happen if she didn’t stop. A dedicated officer started building evidence for a case to prosecute this woman.

Shortly after the event when I saw her at the bus stop she was finally arrested and charged. It was in 2018 – more than 10 years since it all began – that I finally got my day in court. When I heard about the 'Guilty' verdict, it was so strange. You think that you will be elated, but actually I felt sense of bewilderment and sadness. Was it really over? How much had I lost? Was this justice? This person had made my life so miserable for all these years and for what? She had wasted her own life too.

In the years that followed, I suffered with serious post-traumatic stress disorder – I was hypervigilant, paranoid, had regular sleepless nights and random crazy thoughts. One GP put it very well when she said that if this woman had taken a baseball bat to my body and broken bones the damage that was done would be evident to the outsider. But the depth of the wounds she inflicted weren't visible although the mental and emotional torment were very real.

I had talking therapy and holistic therapy and I’ve done a lot of meditation but even up to 18 months ago, I would not have been able to talk about this like I am doing now. It took a lot of time to feel 'normal' again and I am still dealing with related issues.

Baby Reindeer

Having watched Baby Reindeer recently, I decided it was a relevant time to speak out to highlight the dangers of stalking and that men really can be victims too. A lot of things in that show resonated with me – Martha’s behaviour, the confrontations and the unpredictability of life for her victim, Donnie and his shame and vulnerabilities.

My advice to men – to anyone – when it comes to stalking is to report it early. Go with your intuition, talk to friends or family and take some action – it might warn someone off, it may just mean that you nip this in the bud or, if not, you make the authorities aware and get protection.

I refused to be defined by what happened to me and I’ve moved on with my life. I really don’t think about 'her' much at all. Yes, a whole decade – the whole of my forties – was dominated by the activities of that one person but I’m doing ok. I’ve got a good job, I have friends and family I love and more importantly, I’m alive.

If you have been affected by stalking, contact Mankind.org.uk or Wearesurvivors.org.uk.

Read more

My ex-boyfriend stalked me, and then moved into the house opposite mine (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)

Baby Reindeer: has the show that shocked the world changed TV for good? (Evening Standard, 5-min read)

What to do if you're being stalked, as Gracie Spinks's parents plead for new law (Yahoo Life UK, 7-min read)