My ex-boyfriend stalked me, and then moved into the house opposite mine

Jane*, 46, who works in the charity sector, lives with her husband Patrick*, 46, a teacher and their three young children in Hertfordshire. When her relationship with her ex Rob* ended, she never imagined that nine years later he'd become her stalker.

When I first met Rob* through friends at university in 2006, he was going out with another friend, Lisa*. He was good-looking, intelligent and successful but I had a boyfriend at the time so there were no romantic feelings.

A few months later at a party, we got chatting about work and he was asking me for some advice. He asked if I’d meet him for a drink to discuss it and I agreed, really thinking that was all it was.

That night he told me that he had broken up with Lisa and as I was single again there was nothing to stop us going out. We became a couple and although I was attracted to him, I knew even months into the relationship that I didn’t love him. We were constantly having fights and he would often talk down to me or make me feel uncomfortable. I always thought it would fizzle out.

After eight months together, I discovered that his ex-girlfriend Lisa was still madly in love with him and had been heartbroken when they broke up. I discovered some deeply moving letters she’d written to him and rather than be annoyed that she was making a move on my boyfriend, I actually felt sorry for her. Deep down I felt that these two should really be back together again and I ended things. It was the right decision. They ended up getting back together and having two children.

Scary phonecalls

I didn’t really think any more about Rob. I moved on, found another boyfriend and was having fun in my career. I was really happy and found a lovely flat in West London with my then boyfriend.

But in my early thirties, nine years after my split from Rob, I started receiving odd phone calls. At first, they were simply ‘Withheld Number’ and silent, so I assumed they must be ‘accidental’ or faulty calls. But then the caller started breathing heavily when I answered. There was a sexual overtone to it and I suspected who it was almost immediately.

It’s strange but when you’ve been intimate with someone you can sense the pattern of their breathing, even the pauses and I remember saying, "Rob, I know it’s you. Stop calling me."

I’d even received a couple of calls when my brother and my boyfriend had been there and they’d both taken the phone from me and said, "Leave her alone!" but it didn’t put him off.

At first the calls were sporadic, maybe only one or two a month. But then they became more frequent. He started calling me in the early hours of the morning, sometimes when I was alone in my flat and the tone was more threatening. He would breathe heavily and say things like, "Meet me on the Common" or "I watch you going to work" and I began to get really frightened.

Telling the police

I told my boss but she wasn’t very kind to me. I think she thought I was making it up or being overly dramatic. But she did tell me that if I was serious I should report it to the police. So that’s what I did. The female police officer took it very seriously and said she would be able to trace the number and that they could go to his house at dawn and arrest him.

That’s when I began to panic. I thought of Lisa and his two children. Like most women I’ve always been compassionate and didn’t want to ruin a family’s life – even though he was making my own life hell at the time – but I asked if he could simply be told to stop calling me. The police officer agreed.

Next day they called Rob into the station and apparently he broke down in tears, sending his apologies and saying that he was going through a tough time. They issued a restraining order and told him not to contact me again. I thought my ordeal was over.

An alarming new neighbour

But it wasn’t. Four years later, I’d had two of my children and was living with my now-husband in a new area of London when I spotted a removal van moving a new family into the house directly opposite us. I thought no more of it until a couple of hours later, I spotted Lisa bringing something into the house. I thought my eyes were deceiving me. Perhaps she was a friend of the new family and was helping them move in?

But before long, I realised with horror that Rob and Lisa and their children were the new residents. I couldn’t believe it, it was the creepiest thing in the world – my stalker was my new neighbour.

I had no idea what to do. I felt sick. It had been years since I had reported him to the police and I had no idea if the restraining order would still mean anything. I didn’t want to confront him – or Lisa. She had no idea what had happened all those years ago and again, I didn’t want to ruin her life or her children’s.

When I mentioned it to Patrick, he didn’t seem to understand how upsetting it was that Rob had moved in opposite. After all, Rob hadn’t been in touch with me for years and how could I ever prove that he knew where I lived when he bought the house?

Being watched

But it was too much of a coincidence. Every time I left the house I felt a knot of fear in my stomach. When I walked down the street at night in particular, I was terrified he’d suddenly be at my side. He’d often wear a motorcycle helmet when leaving the house as he was always on his bike and I felt this was even creepier. I got the distinct feeling that he was looking at me and my house through his visor.

The stress I felt was huge. One day at work I began crying to a colleague and she recommended that I tell the police. That night I plucked up the courage to walk to the local station nearby and tell them what had happened. But it was closed. After that, I lost my nerve. After all, what could I prove? That a man and his family had moved into a house opposite me?

For two years I lived in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’ thinking I could bump into Rob at any point. It affected my confidence in life and at work. I was a shell of myself. I’d spot him in coffee shops and avoid him or I’d be walking up the street and see him approaching and I’d change direction. But I knew he’d seen me.

I avoided going out in the evenings on my own in case I ran into him in the street. My house was no longer my sanctuary and I blamed myself for that, something I’m sure many female stalking victims do. Why was he doing this to me? I must have done something to really upset him.

A fresh start

In the end, Patrick and I moved house to our new place in Hertfordshire. We needed a bigger place anyway with our growing family but I was only too happy to put the For Sale sign up and get away from that street. I’ve never seen nor heard from Rob since.

But today, looking back, I wish I’d done things differently. As a woman in her 40s, I look back now and see how vulnerable and scared I was as a younger woman, fearful not only of upsetting Rob but his family. I imagine that’s fairly common amongst women but we really need to stop worrying too much about being a 'good girl'.

I wish I’d been more confident about telling my boss to take it more seriously as stalkers are known to turn up at women’s places of work. Women are even murdered by their stalkers and I wish I’d made more of a fuss.

If any woman is going through this now, I want to tell them to go to the police and make a complaint. Don’t be scared. Collect as much evidence as you can – recordings, text messages, times and dates of when he appears or calls. Because if it’s not dealt with, his behaviour may escalate or he may move on to do it to someone else. Be the one to break the cycle.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.