Everything you think you know about trauma bonding is wrong
When you hear the words “trauma bonding,” you might picture two friends growing closer after experiencing breakups at the same time, or a couple falling in love after connecting over similar experiences as children of divorce. And this makes sense, given the way the phrase is thrown around on the internet—but the definition you have in mind isn’t necessarily right.
For example, after being voted off Dancing with the Stars, some of the professional dancers made a TikTok of themselves sitting in a circle “trauma bonding over [their] recent eliminations.” Meanwhile, ex-The Bachelor contestants made a video joking that they were “unsubscribing from this drama,” with the caption, “We are trauma bonded for life.” But, although these television personalities might be bonding over shared trauma, this definition of trauma bonding is the colloquial, romanticised version, says Rachel Proujansky, PsyD, a psychologist based in New York City.
Two people can bond over a challenging experience—such as being in the military or rushing a fraternity/sorority—which subsequently creates a sense of loyalty, Proujansky says. But in reality, trauma bonding “is the emotional attachment that develops between a person and an abuser,” she says. In this dynamic, two things must be present: a power differential and an intermittent reinforcement schedule, where sometimes the abuser is “nice, wonderful, and caring,” and other times they are “scary, violent, or abusive,” making it difficult (and unpredictable) for the victim to know which side is the truth.
The process won’t be linear, just as trauma bonding isn’t black and white, adds Janie Lacy, PsyD, a trauma psychotherapist and relationship expert. “Many people think that if there’s love there, it can’t be a trauma bond—but the reality is that love and trauma can coexist.”
Trauma bonds can form among anyone, including family, friends, or colleagues, but tend to be most prevalent among romantic partners because there tends to be an extra layer of emotional attachment, says Jessica Lamar, PsyD, co-founder at Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center based in Washington.
No matter who the bond is with, this relationship tends to impact your mental health negatively. For example, if there’s any emotional manipulation such as gaslighting or blame shifting that makes someone question their reality, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, fear, isolation, depression, or post-traumatic stress, Lamar says. So, it’s important to be able to recognise a trauma bond—and understand when it’s time to break free.
Here’s how a trauma bond forms—and why it sticks.
Trauma bonds form as a result of a cycle—or an intermittent reinforcement schedule—typically beginning and ending with the honeymoon phase, Proujansky says. Typically, things are good when a relationship starts—otherwise, it likely wouldn’t have started in the first place. However, it might slowly lead to a tension-building phase in which the abuser might begin to criticise the victim, isolate them from their friends or family, or cause them to question themselves.
Then, formal abuse might show up emotionally, physically, or sexually. But to reinforce the attachment—the final stage—the abuser returns to the honeymoon stage, which “makes it even more confusing for the victim,” Proujansky says.
During that reconciliation period, the abuser might explicitly apologise and gain empathy, or they might blame the victim, leading them to think it’s their fault. For example, they might say, “If you hadn’t said that, I never would have reacted that way,” Proujansky explains.
The cycle leads the trauma bond to stick, because people tend to hold on to the person the abuser was at the beginning of the relationship or remember the in-between good moments, Lamar says. “They have all of this other evidence to show themselves that their partner isn’t always like this,” Lamar says.
Although a trauma bond in a non-romantic relationship might look a little different, it consistently follows an unpredictable pattern. For example, it can appear in work if there is a clear, uneven power dynamic between a boss and an employee (case in point: The Devil Wears Prada!). If your boss tends to be sporadic in their behaviour toward you—sometimes you think you’re on good terms, but other times your character is being attacked—and makes big demands at all hours of the day, it can create an unhealthy, trauma-bonded relationship, Proujansky says.
From the outside, it may be hard to understand why someone wouldn’t leave. However, each circumstance is unique and difficult to escape for various reasons. In romantic relationships, domestic violence or situational threats may play a role. In workplace trauma bonds, fear of being blacklisted by a powerful superior or reliance on income can keep someone trapped. The situations might differ, but both include a lot of internal struggles that might be hard to understand unless you’re fully in it.
There are a few signs you might be trauma-bonded with someone.
Trauma bond signs are often subtle and deeply ingrained, Lacy says. While trauma bonds can look different among romantic partners and other relationships, overall themes and signs will appear.
Anxiety regarding the abuser's approval or emotional state is a common sign in any trauma-bonded relationship, Lacy says. For example, maybe you feel yourself walking on eggshells in every meeting or decide how you approach them about normal work assignments based on their mood that day.
Lacy adds that the victim tends to try to get their abuser’s approval or validation in a way that becomes all-consuming. “They’re constantly replaying what they could have said differently or done differently,” she says.
For example, in a workplace relationship, someone might be so preoccupied with their boss's approval that they begin neglecting their personal boundaries to please them. Whereas in a romantic relationship, someone might seek validation by constantly prioritizing their partner's needs, believing their partner will love them more if they continually sacrifice for them. In both scenarios, that need for affirmation becomes overwhelming, potentially undermining their productivity and daily functioning—and might contribute to their sense of self slowly becoming lost.
Trauma-bonded relationships also tend to lead to isolation. In a romantic relationship, this might look like a partner explicitly telling you not to be friends with certain people, or be a more subtle self-isolation rooted in shame about the trauma-bonded relationship. “Even if somebody isn’t telling us not to hang out with certain people, we may inherently get the sense that others wouldn’t understand or would reject us if they knew what was really happening,” Proujansky says. In a workplace, however, it can be that you’re working overtime to chase their validation and approval, Lacy adds.
Victims often defend the other person’s behavior even when the signs are present. Proujansky says that victims may adopt the abuser’s perspective as a survival mechanism, thinking that if they give them what they want, they’ll be able to get the safety and care they once knew in return. “But unfortunately, this provides a false sense of control, as the victim is not the source of the problem,” she says.
Here’s how to break free of the cycle, according to therapists.
Not all trauma bonds have to be permanent. “It would take some real soul-searching and admission of the power dynamics and the person’s role in them, which can be pretty hard for the abuser to stomach,” Proujansky says. “But it is not impossible.”
In attempting to turn a trauma bond healthier, Proujansky emphasises the importance of “learning different ways of managing their emotions and communicating with each other so that each person is healthily managing their own feelings, supporting each other effectively but also being able to manage conflict and disagreement in a way that isn’t harmful.” Seeking help from a third-party expert or therapist can help you identify and understand what the abusive or unhealthy relationship dynamics might be rooted in, which can mark the beginning of a healthier path forward, she adds.
But if the abuser doesn’t recognise their role, or if the situation isn’t safe, that’s a sign that you should protect your mental health and break free of the trauma bond. A good first step here is finding and opening up to your safe support system, which can be a close friend or confidant, a trained professional, or even an anonymous hotline, says Lamar.
“Your brain is acting in a way of self-protection when you’re in a trauma bond, so it’s important to get objective feedback,” Lamar says. “But even though there’s a realisation that the relationship is unhealthy, it’s still going to be sad or hard to leave.”
Familial trauma bonds can be particularly difficult to break, especially in parent-child relationships, Proujansky explains. "Society tends to place a lot of importance on families staying together whether or not that is actually what is healthiest for everyone involved," she explains. Beyond societal pressure, power imbalances can make these relationships hard to leave. For instance, you might rely on financial support, childcare, or other resources that you risk losing if you end the relationship.
Proujansky adds that if you’re experiencing any form of domestic violence, trying to leave can be extremely dangerous. She suggests seeking resources such as domestic violence shelters and getting a safety plan in order.
Even with a plan, breaking free can take time, and it's important to practice self-care and self-compassion throughout the journey, Lacy adds. Whether it's taking small steps like drinking more water or having a spa day, or making deeper progress such as forgiving yourself for past mistakes, learning to be compassionate with yourself is key. "Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself," she says.
Meet the experts: Rachel Proujansky, PsyD, is a psychologist based in New York City. Janie Lacy, PsyD, is a trauma psychotherapist, relationship expert, and CEO of Life Counseling Solutions. Jessica Lamar, PsyD, is the co-founder of Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center based in Washington.
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