I don't always enjoy putting my kids first – and that's nothing to be ashamed of

If I had to give June a theme, this year, it would be motherhood - and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Before I start this next topic, I want to say two things. Firstly, I adore my children. I'd walk barefoot over scattered Lego for them. I chose to have them and I'd make that choice a billion times over. Secondly, this is a zero-judgement column. We don't judge anyone for their thoughts and feelings around here.

So here we go.

When you're pregnant you brace for sleepless nights and dirty nappies. When you have a baby, you brace for toddler tantrums and soft play centres. Then, when they reach school age, you breathe a little bit. Things, in my opinion, ease up.

I was feeling pretty smug. I felt like I was nailing things. Then came driving them to all their clubs and the extra rehearsals, lessons, sessions, competitions, shows, courses, galas etc. Scheduling everything and working out with Liam who would be where and when. It became a lot, but we have managed it.

More from Louise

• How cherishing the little moments helped me overcome social anxiety

• I chose gentle peace over explosive joy – and my life is better than ever

• How discovering guilt-free joy turned my life around

And then June hit. I wasn't braced. We have two children and I'd like to formally tip my cap to people with more than two children- it's intense.

Alongside the commitments above we've had sports days, school shows, parent's evenings, awards nights, school trips, class photos, mufti days, and the list goes on. I must say, I do love all these things but I also love the other aspects of my life such as my job, experiences with friends and of course, time with Liam.

I've said, 'Sorry, I can't' to a lot of things this month to accommodate the needs and wants of my children. Am I a terrible mother for feeling a bit sore about that?

I can't stress enough that I'll always put my children first, but it would also be a lie to say I always enjoy doing that. I'm scared to type this because I desperately don't want to come across ungrateful or moany.

 READ: Why didn't anyone warn me how bad mum guilt would be?

Missing balance

The truth is, I haven't mastered the balance this month. I've felt a bit envious when I've seen friends having a lovely day out that I declined.

I feel disconnected from Liam because we've been like ships in the night keeping all the logistics running. I'm sad that I have so many wedding emails in my inbox that I haven't had enough time to properly research and think about. I feel like my personal battery is a bit low.

I feel very torn. Is it possible to love something so much (in this case motherhood) but also, on occasion, feel frustrated with it? I think it is. The big question is, is it okay to actually say it? Fear of being misunderstood or judged is high.

 RELATED: Nobody told me motherhood would bring so much darkness and joy simultaneously

Going forward

I’ve truly enjoyed each thing individually this month. Seeing Pearl's face as she crossed the finish lines in sports day was wonderful and watching Darcy sing her heart out in the summer school play was heart-warming. Having loved those moments, I'm aware that next month I need to make time to nurture friendships, book in quality time with Liam and give a little time to things for me, without guilt.

You can't pour from an empty cup and next month I intend to find ways to fill it to the brim, so I can be the best version of myself for me and my family!

Future Darcy or Pearl, if you're reading this, I'd spend a lifetime driving you to clubs and watching your school events. Just, in the next lifetime I might need a little rest!

I look forward to coming back in July with news of balance, rest and hopefully, wedding plans!

Until then you can find me on my social media, all under @LouisePentland.