Dads Are Speaking Up About How Having Kids Changed Them As People, Because Parenthood Isn’t Just About The Moms
When it comes to pregnancy, motherhood, and the journey in between, a resounding number of ceremonious events take place, and a multitude of pregnancy classes are offered, but we often forget about the men. Last week, I asked men to join the conversation and share their thoughts on parenthood and the ways they’ve embraced the process. Here’s what they had to say:
Note: Not all responses are from the Buzzfeed Community. Some have been pulled from this Reddit thread and this Reddit thread.
1.“I have two girls. I've changed the way I view emotions.”
“I let them have their emotions and feelings without telling them to bottle it up because they're inconvenient to someone else. It's helped me navigate better with my wife, but it took a while for me to accept and practice it. Boys being mad is understandable, but girls getting mad is inconvenient? As a father to them, I won't stand for it.”
—Anonymous
2.“I thought I was well on my way living a life of being single. It's not that I enjoyed being alone, but that I never seemed to find anyone interested in me.”
“The future I saw included moving back to my hometown and taking care of my parents until they died. Around my early 30s, I asked myself, ‘Do I really want to be single and childless in my 50s and 60s?’ Several years after that I took a fateful trip with my parents to the old country where a cousin introduced me to the young woman who would become my wife. We've been married 22 years, with two sons in their late teens. Many of my peers are grandparents. Being a dad has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. From the movie City Slickers, if you find your 'one,' then anything else 'don't mean sh-t.' I found my 'one' in my wife and children. Being a father is what I didn't know I wanted to be until I became one.”
—Anonymous
3.“Not only did I not expect to become a father, but I did not expect to be doing it alone.”
“My child's mother passed away suddenly. I'm always thinking about how I can not get in trouble, not get arrested, not casually drink or take the occasional drug. I have to stay healthy, bills need to be paid on time, laundry needs to be clean, the house HAS to have food in it. Not only am I on top of all chores and necessities, but I've even managed to plan vacations and save money. Now in my 40s, I've somehow got a career and am trying to buy my first home. All of these things seemed impossible for me before fatherhood.”
—Anonymous
4.“My wife and I had our first baby about two years ago. It's a surreal experience, very meaningful, but it also changes your life completely.”
“I work with kids as part of my job, so I knew how to change diapers and all the basic things. It was nice to have a role like the diaper-changer or the one who put them to bed. I also really enjoyed times when I got to bottle feed and have that time together. We were very fortunate to have our first baby while I was in training at work, and that allowed me to spend multiple months working primarily from home to spend with my wife and baby. We have our second on the way, and now that I'm working full-time, my job offers zero paternity leave. Even if I wanted to take FMLA, I wouldn’t be allowed to because I’m in my first year working at this job. I’m sure there are a lot of families in similar situations. I’m scared that I won’t be able to make the same connection with baby #2 as I did with our first. I feel like our society values productivity so much more than family health and wellbeing, and it puts fathers and mothers in tough situations.”
—Anonymous
5."My beautiful sweet wife (who was my high school sweetheart) died when we were both 24, while giving birth to our twin daughters. I felt absolutely awful because this pregnancy was accidental, and I felt like this whole unfortunate situation was entirely my fault."
“My wife and I were so in love, but we got married specifically due to this pregnancy (she came from a super religious family), and giving birth to MY kids — that I impregnated her with — literally ended her life. The grief and guilt were absolutely unbearable, but I was determined to be the best father I could be despite all circumstances.
As my daughters grew older, I had to learn how to do hair, which took a million YouTube tutorials to learn; I had to buy them their first bras and first pads (it took a ton of research and experimenting to find the best brands); and I had to essentially be both a motherly and fatherly figure all at once.
My daughters are graduating high school this June, and they’re both attending prestigious universities. I’m so proud of the strong, independent, kind women they’ve grown into. Ultimately, fatherhood has taught me the true power of persistence. It also taught me to trust the process, as everything will work out eventually. Mia and Lily, my two beautiful daughters, if you read this, your dad is so proud of you, and I can’t wait to see you two walk across that stage in six months.❤️”
—Anonymous
6.“In the first few months of having your child, you start to recalibrate your entire life and how you will be spending your time. When my son was born, I remember our sleep schedules becoming completely out of control. I would often be up with the baby until 4 or 5 in the morning, then my wife would take over, and I would sleep until almost noon.”
“Every moment, it seemed all attention and energy was on the baby for the first few months. Once you are past the baby stage, it becomes about juggling responsibilities. You have parenting, your work, and your relationship with your spouse. Then, there are secondary things like friends, hobbies, and self-care that you would like to have time for but usually have to be sidelined.
The expectations for modern parents are so high. Compare the way kids interact with their parents on old TV shows (Charlie Brown and Rugrats come to mind) to modern TV shows (something like Bluey), and you'll see the way that attitudes towards parenting have changed. People used to think you could mostly leave kids to their own devices and they would be fine. Parents are now expected to build this whole world around their kids with adventures and positive stimulation. We also have to protect them from the internet and screen addiction. Fathers can and should play just as much a role in this as mothers.”
—Anonymous
7.“I had my son when I was 19. My mom kicked me and my wife (girlfriend at the time) out because we refused an abortion.”
“I worked 90-hour weeks to afford what little we had. He turns 11 today, and I wouldn't change anything. And just because you’re becoming a father, doesn’t mean you stop being you. It just adds to your identity.”
8.“I had given up on the idea of fatherhood after years of my then-wife saying she didn’t want any kids. Then she suddenly flipped the script, and I was the one unsure.”
“Our marriage was already headed to a sh-tty place but I made the mistake of seeing her obsession with the idea of having kids as a desire to have a family.
Now I have a set of 4-year-old twins who are the light of my life, and I wouldn’t trade anything for them. They have allowed me to be the father I should have had, and have a family to love and nurture with all the love in my soul. Their mother and I are working on finalizing our divorce this month. The kids didn’t fix anything, but it did give me the chance to have a family I could never have dreamed of. I’ll take all the other crap to have my girls.”
9.“I have a 4-and-a-half-year-old and a week-old newborn. A lot of work. Sure. But nothing good comes easy.”
“You can be someone's superhero for life. Just don't be a d-ck, and you should be fine. Nothing can prepare you for this. You just jump in with both feet and give it your all. And I mean all.”
10.“There are no instructions or handbooks that tell you how to be a good dad. When you see your baby for the first time, you will make a soul-binding promise to always be there for them. You are about to learn new levels of love you didn't know existed.”
“Think of the most tired, fatigued moment you've ever had in your life. Now, realize in the near future you are going to look back at that and think, ha! I used to think THAT was being tired.
All of the stress, fatigue, and worry will pale in comparison to the feeling you get when that little baby looks at you like you are the whole universe."
11.“Being a father is incredibly rewarding. It's hard work, but amazing.”
“I get an inexplicable amount of love when I'm with my children. Just take things one step at a time. Try not to overwhelm yourself by thinking about the unknown. That kid needs you, and once you see them, you'll be in love.”
What are your thoughts on fatherhood? Share them in the comments.
Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.
