This is how we do it: ‘We don’t share the intimate details of the sex we have with other people’
Lachlan, 51
We let people know they can choose to date us as a couple or separately
I can’t do monogamous relationships – they’re simply not for me. I was married before I met Agnes, and the Disney princess approach put a lot of pressure on me – I was responsible for everything in both of our lives, including fixing my ex’s problems.
Agnes is independent and has a discerning view of the world. We’ve been together three years and crafted a framework that works for us. We have a joint dating profile and are explicit about our situation: we let people know they can choose to date us as a couple or separately. Our profile tells people everything they need to know: “Young at heart. Into going out and deep conversations”.
One guy said he was interested in both of us, but it became apparent he was lying and was only interested in Agnes
We’ve met people who do the open relationship format well. The best couples are the ones who laugh together and are transparent. But then we’ve met other couples who are jealous and immature. They seem to hide behind the “ethical non-monogamy” label and exploit it as a tool for bad behaviour. We went on a date with one guy who said he was interested in both of us, but it became apparent that he was really only interested in Agnes. We had to go through a week-long drama, trying to let him down gently.
Recently, Agnes and I were dating a woman semi-seriously. We went out socially and shared many beautiful weekends together over about six months, but it ended because she made an inappropriate joke that gave us the ick.
The reasons you stop seeing a person when you’re dating alone are exactly the same reasons you stop seeing a person as a couple. We felt sad to end it, but it couldn’t be helped.
When we date separately, we communicate about who the person is and check in during the date, for safety reasons. We always call each other afterwards for a debrief. Agnes loves to hear I’ve had a great date. I am often so excited to share, I send Agnes a voice note as soon as I leave a date’s house. We haven’t yet encountered another person who disrupts our intimate life.
Callout
Agnes, 49
The first time Lachlan slept over with someone else, at a hotel, I had to sit with my discomfort for a while
Lachlan is going on a date tonight and I want him to have a good time. Even though we live two and a half hours apart, we video chat most evenings, so he will fill me in about how that date went.
In the beginning, it did feel a bit weird. The first time Lachlan slept over with someone else, at a hotel, I had to sit with my discomfort for a while. But the pang passed quickly. I had to be everything for my ex-husband: his emotional and practical support, as well as his intellectual and spiritual confidant. The best thing about my relationship with Lachlan is we never try to be everything for one another. We cheer each other on when we go on separate dates. Lachlan always shows me pictures of the women he is dating.
It’s frustrating when people ignore the ‘ethical’ part of ‘ethical non-monogamy’
One challenge of dating others in open relationships is that not everyone is doing non-monogamy properly. I dated a guy who said he was in an open marriage, but his wife kept sabotaging our dates by arranging plans to clash with them. I told him that his wife needed to be cheering him on if they were going to do this openly.
Another issue is that I go on dates with men who assume my needs are not being met in my relationship, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s frustrating how these men view me: they think I am not getting it at home and that they are going to give it to me. I don’t like being objectified; I am in this for emotional connections, not fleeting sex.
Even though we share everything, from who we are dating to where we are going, we don’t share the intimate details of the sex we have with other people. We view that as private. Our sex life doesn’t suffer because of the fact we are open. It actually makes our dynamic better, because we feel free.
