How to check up on your child’s mental health and validate their feelings

All parents understand that raising your child isn't easy. And it can also be difficult to tell when your kids are going through a rough time, as they may not always feel comfortable or ready to talk to you about it.

A new survey by The Children’s Society found that two in five parents who sought help for their child’s mental health did not receive the support they needed.

More than a third of all parents surveyed (38%) said they had sought help for their children, and of that proportion around 41 per cent reported they “did not receive the support they needed”.

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Around 3,000 parents, with children aged four to 17, were surveyed.

Around half (52%) of the parents surveyed said that long waitlists and current thresholds to get help were preventing their children from getting much needed support.

Although the study focussed on England and Wales, delays to mental health treatment for young people have also been a problem in Scotland.

In December 2024, we reported that The Scottish Government has never met its target for young people to begin mental health treatment within 18 weeks in the 10 years since it was introduced. The Government accepted long-wait times were unacceptable, but added that the waiting list for treatment is now at its lowest point since 2013

When you can't get external help, how can you make sure to support your child through periods of poor mental health? Here are some ways you can be there for your kids when they're struggling mentally.

Build trust

“You often need to build that foundation of safety and trust in the relationship, because people will only talk about their mental health if they feel safe enough to be able do so,” explains Seb Thompson, clinical psychologist at Cygnet Health Care.

“Create the right environment by being non-confrontational, non-judgemental and actively listen.

“Just showing someone that you are there for them and giving them your full attention can make a big difference.”

Ask open-ended questions

“It’s about taking the time to ask the questions as well and regularly check-in with questions such as ‘how are things going?’,” says Thompson.

“It demonstrates that you genuinely care, people will be more like to open up.

“If you notice that things seem different, don’t be afraid to name it. Tell them what you are observing and ask genuine questions. Don’t assume.”

Spend time together without pressure

“Doing something side by side, like cooking, going for a walk, or playing a game, can make it easier for children to open up,” suggests Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.

“Sometimes talking feels less intimidating when it’s not a face-to-face sit-down chat.”

Observe behavioural changes

Subtle changes in behaviour or everyday routine could indicate that something is wrong with your child's mental health.

“If you’ve got a child or a young person who is usually a very outgoing and sociable person, and then all of a sudden becomes quite withdrawn and isolated, and stops communicating with people, that could indicate that something’s going on,” highlights Thompson.

“Equally, if you’ve got someone who’s naturally quite shy but starts becoming very extroverted, that could also be a sign they are struggling with something or something else might be going on.”

Changes in eating or sleeping habits, or withdrawal from social activities could also be indicative of a larger issue, adds Thompson.

Model emotional honesty

“Show your child that it’s OK to talk about feelings by sharing your own in an age-appropriate way,” suggests Touroni.

“Saying things like, “I felt a bit overwhelmed today, so I went for a walk to clear my head” teaches them that emotions are normal and manageable.”

Validate their feelings

“There might be a temptation to try and go into problem-solving mode and try and fix whatever is going on, and sometimes that might be appropriate,” says Thompson.

“However, often it is having their internal thoughts and feelings validated that makes the most difference.

“Remember adolescence is a scary time by itself and it is scarier still when mental health difficulties are added to the melting pot. Validation and reassurance can go a long way.”

Help them understand their emotions

“The biggest thing that people often struggle with as children and as adolescents, is understanding their own internal emotional world,” says Thompson.

“As a parent or caregiver, try to tune into what the person’s feeling, help them understand it, help them be able to co-regulate and then they’re more likely to be able to regulate independently.”

Keep an eye on social media and online activity

“Without being intrusive, be aware of what they’re engaging with online,” recommends Touroni.

“Social media can impact self-esteem and mental health, so having open discussions about what they’re seeing and how it makes them feel is important.”

Reassure them that support is always available

“Let them know they don’t have to go through anything alone,” says Touroni.

“Remind them that you’re there to listen and, if needed, offer external support, whether that’s a teacher, counsellor, or mental health professional.”