7 Phrases That Teach Kids How To Be Assertive
Teaching kids how to share, take turns and be considerate of others is often top of mind for parents and caregivers. But kids also need to learn to how be assertive and stand up for themselves — even if that’s a skill parents don’t talk about as often.
“Assertiveness is all about teaching kids to express their needs and boundaries confidently without being aggressive,” said Ann-Louise Lockhart, pediatric psychologist, parent coach and owner of A New Day Pediatric Psychology. “[This] equips kids with skills to make it through challenges like bullying, peer pressure and interpersonal conflict.”
We talked to experts about phrases parents can teach kids so they’re able to verbalize their feelings, develop confidence and set boundaries — all while still being respectful.
Why is it important to raise kids who are assertive?
It’s important “to teach our kids to be assertive so they can advocate for both themselves and others,” said Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of “The ‘Me, Me, Me’ Epidemic — A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.” “Kids need to learn this skill in childhood so they can carry it with them through their teenage years and into adulthood.”
Knowing how to be assertive also helps kids be open with their emotions and avoid bottling them up, she explained.
“Assertive communication [also] creates healthier relationships in both personal and professional life and … more successes in all areas of life,” added Lisa Schab, licensed clinical social worker and author of “Cool, Calm, and Confident: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills.”
Teach kids simple phrases that are direct, but not aggressive.
“I don’t like that. Please stop.”
Whether your kid is being pushed on the playground or teased by a friend, this simple and clear phrase sets an instant boundary.
“By saying, ‘I don’t like that,’ your child acknowledges their emotions, which helps them own their perspective without blaming or shaming,” Lockhart said. “The follow-up, ‘Please stop,’ is a firm yet polite demand for a specific behavior to end.”
“That’s not OK with me.”
Confrontation can feel uncomfortable for kids, and this statement shows assertiveness without attacking the other person.
“This phrase is powerful in its simplicity, especially for kids,” Lockhart said. “[It] keeps the tone calm yet firm, making it more likely for others to respect their boundary and adjust any concerning behavior.”
McCready recommended a similar phrase that can be just as effective: “I’m not comfortable with that.”
“No, thank you.”
When a child is feeling pressured into a situation or guilty about saying “no,” adding the “thank you” at the end can maintain a boundary while still showing respect.
“[This makes] it less likely to provoke defensiveness,” Lockhart said. “It’s a reminder that … they don’t owe anyone a justification for protecting their time, energy or boundaries.”
If your child still feels like others are trying to persuade them, saying something like, “No thanks, my mind is made up,” can help them stay confident in their decision, McCready added.
“I’d rather try/do something else instead.”
“[This] teaches kids that one way to decline an uncomfortable situation is to offer alternatives,” McCready explained.
For example, your kid can say something like, “No I don’t want to drink. Why don’t we ride bikes instead?” or “No, I don’t want to do that. If you want to do something else, let me know,” Schab added.
“I need some time to think about it.”
If your child feels peer pressure to make an impulsive decision, this statement sends the message that they know how to make thoughtful, intentional decisions, Lockhart said.
“[When they use] ‘I need,’ they center their needs and avoid feeling obligated to provide an immediate answer,” she said. “It also helps in situations where emotions might cloud judgment, giving them room to evaluate without external pressure.”
“I respect what you’re saying, but I think…”
“[This] recognizes and respects the other person” while also showing self-respect when your child voices their own opinion, Schab said.
Another similar phrase she recommends is I agree with __, but __.
“Excuse me, I’d like to…”
Phrases like this, that show kids how to politely and confidently express their needs or ask for help, are key, Schab explained. Another example of this type of phrase: “Could you please help me with __?”
How can we teach these phrases to kids?
Avoid dismissive phrases.
Some phrases can unintentionally teach kids to suppress their feelings and prioritize others over their own boundaries, Lockhart explained.
Try to stay away from statements such as “Just let it go,” “Don’t make a big deal out of it,” and, “Be nice at all costs,” she said.
Talk about situations that your kid deals with in daily life.
“Never shame or criticize, but help your child understand how they either did, or could have, acted assertively in the situation they were in,” Schab suggested.
You can also share your own example of a time you had wished you’d spoken up and how you may have handled it differently, McCready added.
Role-play with your child.
Come up with scenarios that your child may face and have them practice using assertive phrases while you respond to them. Then you can reverse roles and have the child receive the assertive comments, McCready recommended.
“The two-way role-play builds the child’s comfort by using assertiveness in a supportive environment,” she said. “Talk about how it felt to be on each side of the interaction.”
You can also brainstorm assertive phrases with your child “that fit their personality and communication style,” she added.
Model them.
Using assertive phrases yourself is one of the most effective ways for your kids to learn, whether it’s in your interactions with others or with your kids.
“As the parent … you can still practice respectful communication with your children while maintaining parental boundaries and healthy family rules,” Schab said. “You are constantly teaching your child as they watch your own behaviors and hear your words.”
