I wasn't my mother's favourite child and it haunted me for years

Kate Morris, a mother-of-two and journalist from London, grew up with a strong sense that her younger sister was her mother’s favourite. Now a new study sheds light on the taboo topic of favourite children…

The 'favourite child' scenario has been officially proven. When I saw that a new study has found parents often do favour one child – particularly daughters and offspring who are more 'conscientious' or 'agreeable' – it backed up exactly what I already knew.

In my family of two children, it was my younger sister, who seemed to be more adored by my mother than me. I have no absolute proof that my sister was the favourite, it’s not a subject that has ever been discussed or verified. It was a feeling that has haunted me, made me doubt myself and at times left me sad and bewildered.

My sister is two and a half years younger than me. One of my earliest memories is arriving at a hospital where she was born and being given an enormous teddy bear by a nurse – an attempt to make me feel special, a consolation prize for no longer being an only child, but as I grew up, my mother and sister formed an exclusive special bond.

I’m sure that my mother didn't set out to favour one of us or even if she was aware of it. My father was not present that often in our upbringing, staying long hours at work.

A quiet, sensitive child

As a young child, I was shy and sensitive. I didn’t enjoy activities children are typically meant to – clowns with their outlandish faces, loud fireworks, strange children, the zoo. I remember running away the first time a cow mooed at me.

My sister was probably less complex and easier to handle. I loved school and loved my mother, but on the first day I refused to go in, so she promised to hide behind the gate until it was time to collect me. Of course she didn’t, but the thought that she was there was very comforting.

Feeling second best

However, the feeling of being second best became more prominent as I grew older. I was a very good child, won prizes for work and sport, and was head girl at my primary school, but however much I strived to succeed, it seemed impossible to gain the favour or praise I desperately wanted.

My sister on the other hand was comically naughty. I was hugely tall, she was tiny, adorable and cute. She often ran away from home. Once, aged about eight, she took off with a friend and was found by police sheltering under a duvet cover (made into a tent) in a wood; but she did not get into trouble and in my eyes she was more lovable and could do no wrong.

There were incidents that made me feel less favoured, like the time we went on a holiday to Spain. I travelled with my mother’s best friend and her children, whereas my sister came a few days later with my mum. I longed to have exclusive time with her, but never seemed to. The arrangements could have been purely practical, but to my ever-vigilant observation, it was further proof that my sister was the special one.

By the time I was about nine, I had become a tomboy and probably gave off the incorrect vibe that I was strong and independent. It seemed to be expected of me, but my sister seemed to receive more care and nurture. The report confirms the fact that parents usually favour younger children and give older children more autonomy.

Mother and sister moved away

My parents separated when I was 11 and at around the same time, my granny was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so my mother and sister left the UK and went to live near her in Canada. I had no idea that my beloved granny was dying, and was only told that she was unwell. I was sent to a boarding school in the UK, a pivotal moment, cementing the feeling of being expendable and excluded.

My mother obviously felt she had to act fast and did what she thought best at the time. I wrote her sad letters pleading to be taken away, hoping that she would save me, unaware of what she was going through.

As I grew older, resentful that I was away at school, I became rebellious. By 14, I hardly saw either of my parents and in the holidays hung out with my ever-expanding group of friends. I remember being struck with pain when my mother took my sister to Paris for a celebratory trip after her O levels, but hadn’t taken me after mine. However many years later, we did go together, which made up for it and was a treasured experience.

Becoming a parent myself

I have two children of my own now, a boy and a girl, aged 23 and 20. I can genuinely say that I really do love them both and admire different aspects of their personalities. Of course, there are periods when one is being unreasonable and times when I am frustrated and angry but I never step away from loving them both unconditionally. I daren’t even imagine the idea that one is favoured, because I am aware of how sensitive and vigilant children can be.

I have been in different types of therapy over the years and have come to understand that no parent is perfect including me. Children potentially trigger you in all sorts of ways on a deep and visceral level. You may find it easier to get on with one child over the other. One child may make you feel more protective as you view them as being more vulnerable in some way.

Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University said the report is enlightening but noted different children may be favoured for different things. He said, "Parents do differentiate among their children, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they like or love one more than the other." I take great comfort from that.

Read more on parenting:

• Parents do have a favourite – and scientists know which child it is (The Telegraph, 3-min read)

• When my adopted children first said 'Mummy' I felt I'd burst with joy (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)

• The big idea: why it’s great to be an only child (The Guardian, 6-min read)

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