66 days to be a calmer parent: ‘I’m sure this will be very easy’
Becoming a calmer parent has long been at the top of my list of life goals – but then so has becoming physically stronger, and I’ve never lifted a dumbbell.
I have two small children, one is five and the other 18 months. One is demanding physically and the other emotionally. Mornings often start about 5.30am, the increasing volume of the cry of “mummmmmmy” marking the starting gun for the daily race to get out of the house fully clothed and at least partially fed. At times it seems almost too easy but on other days every step towards our front door is met by a roadblock and I get increasingly frustrated until I break and shout, rushing the little people out the door and arriving at work flustered.
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Often when my daughter was angry or moody I’d worry it was a sign of a bigger behaviour trend I had to stop and fix straight away.
I want to communicate with my children in a way that keeps our household calm or at least calm-ish. I want to be able to ride out the roadblocks.
Is the goal of maintaining a calm mind in moments that trigger my own Big Feelings unrealistic? I guess it’s worth a shot.
Week one
Before starting, I seek direction from a psychologist, Dr Lea Waters.
“Where do I start?” I ask.
“The first thing to think about is … what do you want to achieve?” she says. “We are conditioned to believe that creating change is about removing a negative. But new psychology says that we are more effective when we do what’s called an approach goal. So in lay terms it’s not about saying, ‘I am going to stop this behaviour,’ it’s about saying, ‘I’m going to start to do this new thing instead.’”
This seems so obvious. It makes perfect sense. So when my kids won’t get dressed after being asked 48 times, instead of getting more frustrated and more elevated I will choose to take a moment, slow down and figure out another way of communicating. I’m sure this will be very easy.
Week two
With the chat from Waters fresh in my mind, one Wednesday afternoon – during a lovely period called “witching hour” – my eldest repeatedly kicks the back of my car seat as I drive. I can’t lie, I’m sure there have been many times when I have threatened to stop the car and sit there until she stopped, even if we had to wait until it was dark.
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But this day, as my blood pressure rises, I breathe five seconds in, hold for five seconds, then breathe out for five seconds. The shift in my emotions is swift. The breathing has given me time to process what I was about to say and decide how I am going to react. This time I calmly say: “Darling, I’m sorry that the song I picked was from the first Moana soundtrack not the second but kicking the car seat is dangerous and we can’t drive home until you stop.” Does she stop? No. But after a few quiet moments when I don’t add fuel to the fire, she puts her legs down and we continue to drive home.
Week three
Another key aspect of calmer parenting, Waters has explained, involves choosing your moments. This means having those big conversations about behaviour when your child actually has the capacity to hear them. So when my eldest daughter has a meltdown about the incorrect bowl colour at 6.30am, I park it and defer the discussion about the benefits of talking to her parents politely to another time. We move from a light blue bowl to the preferred pink and her Weet-Bix is quickly consumed while I get on with getting ready for work. This is an easy win.
It seems I don’t have to fix everything at all times – having those conversations when I’m stressed just doesn’t work anyway.
Week four
Christmas is speeding towards me like a freight train. Tensions are high in our home, with an unwell toddler and the last day of daycare looming for our eldest. Moments of overwhelm and frustration mean I do not take up any Zen opportunities. My lack of patience means I am quick to shout when things feel out of my control and I am hurrying the girls up more than ever. To say I’ve given up on “calm parenting” would be an understatement.
Week five
This is the week of New Year’s Eve. For some it’s a time to reflect on the past 12 months; for parents of small children it’s a time to wonder where those months went exactly. The pace of the year always shocks me and, before I know it I’m more than halfway through the 66-day challenge.
With the chaos of Christmas over and a more relaxed vibe descending pm our place, I resolve to be more present for my kids. From role play to reading books, I aim to give them time each day to dictate what we do for short periods. This is something Dr Becky Kennedy talks about on her popular parenting podcast Good Inside: it comes down to connection. If children feel seen and heard, they are less likely to feel as if they need to chase attention, she suggests.
This works some days and not others but I always recognise it after the fact. I tell myself, “Gosh, she’s being so relaxed this afternoon,” often reflecting later that the time we spent earlier that day allowed her to feel loved and seen.
Weeks six and seven
Waters explained to me there is always a cue before a behaviour. For example, if the behaviour is not listening to your requests, the cue might be feeling rushed in the mornings.
Recognising those moments that cause conflict or heightened emotions allows you to change the cue and therefore prevent the reaction.
Getting ready for the day seems to be a universal struggle. They want to wear all five skirts on top of each other, their shoes never fit right, the hairdo is terrible and tears and conflict are common. So over these weeks I focus on working with my kids to select clothes the night before. I’m surprised: this tiny change has an effect right away because the clothing decision was made during a quiet time. This small achievement allows me to arrive at work without feeling as though I’ve completed a complex hostage negotiation before 8.30am.
Week eight
Eight weeks in and I’m just like the Little Engine That Could: “I think I can.” One of my greatest flaws is the inability to stick with habits. This week I focus on keeping it simple, on just breathing in trying moments and what I have already taught myself. I want to embed some of these simple steps for the long term.
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Often when I am rushed I am quick to dismiss my children’s requests and complaints as whinging. A big part of this journey is letting my daughters be heard. I start to notice that when I get down on their level, look at them and take the conversation seriously, their reaction is softer and I understand what they are actually needing at that moment.
Week nine
One thing Waters emphasised is the need for self-reflection, to ask yourself as a parent: “What makes me respond like this?” Addressing your own reactions is as important as addressing the behaviour of the child, she explained. Are you creating a cycle where your attitude causes your children to have certain reactions? What was causing me to go into a spiral when my daughter had a tantrum over socks?
I stop, take a breath and decide to blame my mother.
The end
What I really wanted when I started on this challenge was to let go of the feeling that if something is wrong it has to be fixed – and that I was the person who has to fix it. I now have a few more tools to be able to get through and respond to difficult moments – as opposed to casting each challenge as “this is part of a bigger problem”.
These nine weeks haven’t fundamentally changed my experience of parenting; I’m still riding the emotional rollercoaster. But on the whole, it has been incredibly worthwhile. Over time these smaller changes will come together, I think, and a larger change will emerge.
