Zoë Foster Blake: ‘I’d fight Moo Deng. She would win’
What’s the oldest thing you own and why do you still have it?
I have a pair of little padded things that you wear around your ankles that my dad brought back from India when I was about three. They’ve got little bells on them – I think they’re for dancing. I loved them, and I still have them – I don’t really have anything from my childhood. I should give them to my daughter actually; it is probably time.
I also have a soft toy from when I was a child, Pearl, my stuffed wombat. We had a real wombat called Pearl, who was a rescue animal because her mother was killed by a car. I grew up in the country, so Mum brought home this baby wombat one night when we were kids, and we looked after her. She was free to roam, but she stayed. But then she became a problem because she was so fat and so big. She would sit against the door and we couldn’t get in or out. So Mum and Dad took her to live in a zoo.
It wasn’t until my late teens that I said to a boyfriend, “Oh, we used to have wombat but Mum took her to the zoo,” and he said, “Like how a dog goes away to a farm?” I was like, “Oh my God! I believed this lie my whole life!” So I called Mum but she said, “She did go to the zoo! She went to Taronga. You can call them!” So, thank God – she did actually have this wonderful life of being adored at the zoo.
What has been your most cringe-worthy run-in with a celebrity?
I think I’ve probably had about 10 saves because my husband [Hamish Blake] won’t let me talk to them. He always says, “Don’t ruin their dinner!” When we were living in New York, you would see everyone over there. One of them was Mike Myers – Wayne’s World was my absolute gospel when I was a teenager, and he was just sitting there having dinner and a drink. It took everything in me not to go over and embarrass myself and ruin his night. But my husband taught me not to do that. He always says, “That’s for you. What about them? If you really love them, you let them be.”
If you had to fight a famous person, who would it be, how would you fight them, and who would win?
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Moo Deng. She would probably bite me and she would win. I would want some protection, I would want some shin guards. And maybe a hose. I would let her win.
What’s your most controversial pop culture opinion?
Maybe my controversial opinion is that I try not to be too controversial. My son is generation alpha, and that makes me feel quite old because he speaks a different language a lot of the time. But it has actually made me feel really non-judgmental because it reminds me: “Oh man, I was talking shit when I was that age too.” You’re not meant to get it as the parent, you are supposed to let them have their world. So I try not to judge anyone’s choices.
But, also – skinny jeans are going to keep coming back, whether they should or not. But you know what? Wear the jeans you want.
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What is the weirdest thing you have ever done for love?
Get into cycling. I would never have thought I would but my husband’s a cyclist. I took great joy in giving him shit about that for a long time. But then we started doing family bike holidays, and I loved them!
It’s not like we’re wearing Lycra or going super fast – we’re just a family out in nature. But I really think I could become a cyclist now.
What’s your biggest beauty tip?
The one that generally sticks is: “Your face stops at your boobs.” A lot of people, they assume this [gestures at her face] is it, but for the rest of your life, this [gestures at her neck and décolletage] will also be on show. So I encourage everyone to take all of their skincare down. Not all the super expensive serums, maybe, but definitely your exfoliators, your SPF, your moisturisers. Face to boobs.
What is the ideal length of men’s shorts?
I really think this depends on the guy. If you are a very cool person who’s very confident in your style, and you are wearing Bermudas with a little loafer, I love it. You’re a guy who looks great in shorty shorts, get them out. I think what is more important than the shorts is the sock and the shoe. Someone I know and live with – Hamish – wears black socks and a white shoe, or a white sock and a black shoe. My whole thing with my family is teaching them about what colour goes with what. Don’t worry about the shorts. It’s what you’re wearing down below that matters!
If you had to appear on a reality TV show tomorrow, which one would it be?
Oh, I know the ones it wouldn’t be. Definitely not Survivor or Alone. I love watching them but I can’t be hungry and tired, that will absolutely destroy my reputation. I want to be a judge on a cake baking show.
Your husband is known for his annual tradition of drinking whisky and filming himself making ambitious birthday cakes for your kids. Do they actually taste good?
Well, the cake itself is lovely because a bakery makes it – we buy these giant slabs of cake so it is the same every time: a chocolate cake with loads of butter icing and fondant icing on top. So it doesn’t look that tasty, but once you actually slice it up and it’s not the shape of a weird animal, it’s entirely edible.
I’m never not insanely impressed by him, though, because it’ll be midnight, and he’s a bit drunk and stressed, but it’s never been on the cards that I would help. I’m shit at that stuff anyway, I would be no help. But every year, I’m like, “This is the one! Icarus here is never gonna make it!” And in the morning I get up and there it is on the table.
Do you have a party trick?
I have a trick for parties – I call it the introvert’s 40 minutes of power. It is all about etiquette. You come on time, but not too early and not too late. You always bring something, even if the host says don’t bring anything – a little bunch of flowers, a nice candle, a good loaf of bread. Make sure everyone sees you and you see them. Help the host in a way that they will remember. And then, French exit. I don’t say goodbye. That can take twice as long as the actual party.
Zoë Foster Blake’s latest novel Things Will Calm Down Soon is out now (Allen & Unwin, $32.99)
