20 Ways Women Healed From Toxic Relationships And Bad Breakups That Are Actually Inspiring Me To Better My Life
Recently, I decided to ask women in our very own BuzzFeed Community how they healed from their bad breakups or toxic relationships. Their answers were genuinely so sweet, inspiring, and grounding that I had to share. So, here are some of their best answers:
1."I just listened to Heart of Glass and I Will Survive on repeat, and leaned on support from my best friend and sister, both of whom did not like him at all. He was a creep and an asshole and I'm SO much better off without him."
2."I started painting. My passion and my angst and all my other emotions came through in my wild abstract paintings, and soon I was accepting commissions!!!"
"I am in my late 70s but throwing myself into something positive has kept me on the happy side of life! Or I should say, has helped me get back there. :)"
3."My first relationship ended in December of 2020, and to be honest, I still haven’t healed. I was so young and so unprepared for the emotional healing that was required of me to be able to become a stable, present partner. I realize now that because of past trauma, I wanted someone who could 'save' me and take care of me in ways that weren’t reasonable to ask of anyone."
"We moved so fast because of that: moved in together at 10 months, bought a house together after just two years, and fully anticipated we’d be together forever.
We had so much growing up to do, and I'm always going to be grateful to them for showing me who I could be, rather than what my past defined me as. I categorized this relationship as 'toxic' purely because we were hurting so much individually that we couldn’t love each other properly. Not sure when I'll be ready for another relationship, but that’s okay. I'm learning how to love ME for the first time."
4."10-year abusive marriage behind me. I took so much joy in decorating my new place, [and] everything in it is something that makes me or my son happy (including our two new cats.) [It's] my space of peace with candles, string lights, plants galore, only things I love."
"I'm dressing for me and branching out with my style again because I don't have to consider if my ex would think my outfit too revealing, or weird, or attention-seeking. I did not date on purpose at all during the first year but had a couple of love interests enter my life unexpectedly, and that type of fun and new attention from genuinely kind and sincere dudes was also incredibly healing."
5."It took time to heal from my toxic relationship. I was broken and beaten down, and I didn't know who I was anymore, and the only things that helped were time and getting to know who I was again."
"When I was in my relationship, I wasn't allowed to have friends, to go out, or to do anything I wanted to do, really, so taking the time to discover who I was was essential to my healing.
I'm still single, by choice, almost four years later, and I couldn't be happier. I used to be scared to be alone, but now I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship where I'm not respected; partly for myself, but partly because I'll never let my daughter see me get treated badly by a man. Ever."
6."I joined a sorority on campus, making new friends and being as involved as possible. It gave me the comfort of knowing that you can be loved, even if it was in a platonic way. Those girls showed me how to properly love myself and that I was worth more than that relationship."
7."I went on a lyrical detox. Neither proud or ashamed to admit that this hit extremely hard as a maladaptive daydreamer. I had to rebrand my mind and body as this super exclusive club where mindfulness acts as the best bouncer in the game."
NBC
"It’s been helpful in the sense that my world is more reflected in what it is that I’m consuming but damn if I don’t miss my sad girl music…
Eat it, Richard. You know what you did. Then again, maybe it was just a Tuesday for you."
—Anonymous
8."I went to law school and became a completely different person — a much healthier one if you can believe it! Now, as a lawyer, I don't have the time or energy to tolerate men who treat me badly, are unsupportive, or are 'secretly' misogynistic."
"I was single for five years between leaving my last toxic ex and meeting my now husband. By the time I met my husband, I was a COMPLETELY different person from the person I was with my ex.
Prior to this, I had many intense and toxic relationships that lasted a few months to two years or so, and they were honestly all just different shades of the same relationship. You really have to become a person that doesn't tolerate the toxicity, and it is HARD when those toxic traits feel familiar and comfortable."
—Anonymous
9."I healed with 100% no-contact and deep research on toxic/abusive/narcissistic relationships so I could really understand what I had been through in a logical way."
"I used podcasts, videos, and books to get a full picture so I could stop blaming myself for getting into the relationship in the first place or for not leaving sooner.
There is so much to these dynamics that I would have never believed existed even as a highly educated, successful woman. Knowing the facts helps me continue to pull myself out of the emotions I feel and remind myself that yes, it was as bad as I remember and no, he will never change."
—Anonymous
10."If you’re still married, hire a great lawyer — don’t use years of manipulation and negging from your asshole spouse as a reason to downplay your worth. And then, listen to the lawyer. It will go against your gut because your intuition’s been compromised, but the money you get from the split can then be used to hire a great therapist."
—Anonymous
11."I went to therapy, looked at my family relationships to figure out if there were similarities between my ex and their behaviors (and there were), and worked on my boundaries —emotional, physical, and energetic."
"I found new passions, ones that filled my cup. I laughed with great friends, hiked with new ones, paddleboarded with my dogs, and explored. And I also took a look at how I was giving myself grace while identifying why I was attracted to that type of person/behavior so I wouldn’t go back to someone with those toxic traits.
I grew from it… try to grow from negative things and use it as a motivator to live YOUR life."
—Anonymous
12."My toxic relationship ended almost 14 years ago. Initially, healing felt easy because I could finally be myself again, not constantly bending over backward to please my partner. I felt liberated. The only way I felt any lasting impact was my newly developed allergy to any kind of manipulative BS."
"I have been happily married for 10 years to a fabulous partner. I was completely convinced that I'd done all my healing. Recently, though, two events in my life have activated that old trauma, and I've realized that I am still terrified of certain behaviors.
Neither situation was threatening at all, but the way people behaved in them brought back the disoriented, frantic, deer-in-the-headlights-kind of feeling I always had with my toxic ex. It was sobering.
Apparently, I have suppressed a lot of my hurt instead of healing it. The flare-ups of trauma have been brief but intense. I now consider going to therapy to truly put this behind me."
—Anonymous
13."I let myself feel the full range of my emotions —betrayal, anger, grief, sadness— and I gave myself grace when I missed him."
"I got into running —it was the only way I could shut my thoughts off for a bit— and now I’m running a half-marathon. I started going to therapy more intensively and joined a self-help group. I do Pilates and yoga twice a week to focus on me. I set small goals for myself. I went no-contact and I got rid of everything he ever gave me. Most importantly, I’m working on forgiving myself. And I’m doing that by keeping promises to myself and slowly trusting my gut again."
—Anonymous
14."I had to keep asking myself what he contributed. We were together for five years and I was madly in love with him, but one day he told me he wanted to be in a relationship where he wasn’t emotionally or physically attached to me — he basically soft-dumped me."
Columbia Pictures
"When I thought back, I only thought about what I did wrong. I asked myself finally what he really contributed to the relationship, and it was, astonishingly, nothing.
I paid the bills, I was the only person who drove, I carried the emotional weight, I did the household chores. He would just get high every night and spiral into depression every week, and nothing I did helped.
I felt less horrible about being 'abandoned' when I realized I had lost nothing. He just wanted me to feel like I had."
—Anonymous
15."I systematically reclaimed all the places and activities that I thought of as 'ours,' did all the things I wouldn't do because of how he would react, and blocked him on everything."
"I stayed away from dating for about six months, then decided I was healed enough that I would date if I found someone I liked.
Well, I think I must have healed too well, because 10 years later no one has been worth disturbing my peace for. There is a lot of luck involved in not ending up in another abusive relationship, but one thing you can do is ensure you are comfortable on your own. Once you know you can be happy by yourself, you will put up with far less, and they can sense that.
—Anonymous
16."Got a tattoo, started eating foods he wouldn’t let me eat, and fell in love with my now-fiance, who is the complete opposite of the narcissistic ass I was once with. It was my first relationship, and I thought those things were normal."
—Anonymous
17."It’s been almost two years since my first and worst toxic relationship ended. I thought this would be a wound that time would heal, but it hasn’t. I’ve learned that you can’t rush the healing process."
"I've learned to show yourself kindness and grace, that stepping back into the dating world when you’re ready helps, and it’s OK if you discover that you were not quite ready, just be honest with yourself.
I began prioritizing my own wants and needs almost to the point where it felt selfish, but it’s what I needed to do after feeling neglected for so long. I’ve spent these last two years pouring that love I was missing back into myself and doing things that bring me joy again!"
—Anonymous
18."I was with a very emotionally abusive guy for several years before I finally found my worth. I got his name tattooed on the bottom of my heel, so I quite literally walked him off. Very healing."
—Anonymous
19.I was with someone very toxic and emotionally distant for two-and-a-half years, and I didn't even realize how deeply toxic they were until almost three years after the breakup."
"The first year, I moved out of the country to get away from him; the second year, I came back and had to face the aftermath of it all; and the third year, I began to heal.
I didn't date anyone, not even a first date, for over a year, and as lonely as that felt at times I do think it really helped to just be on my own.
I don't have a friend group, so I really just had to get through it by myself. I threw myself into work, and I said yes to every job if it meant I was getting out of town somewhere.
As cliche as it sounds, the only thing I needed was time. It was slow, but without my notice, things sort of cleared up, and I began to forget about him. It took time for me to realize who he truly was and why it was so bad, and it took time to validate my feelings and not blame myself for the downfall. Time and work, that's what got me through."
—Anonymous
20.And finally: "I was in a bad relationship a few years ago. I never should have dated him; it was a rollercoaster of red flags that I happily ignored. I finally got up the nerve to end things after I changed careers."
Mark Brodkin Photography / Getty Images, Grant Faint / Getty Images
"For the first time in my life, I had a job that was really fulfilling and made me happy. I had to travel for work and was gone for weeks at a time, which made me realize how much happier I was when I was away from him.
After the breakup, I threw myself into work. I traveled all across America and was able to stay out for months at a time. I got weekends off, so I got to see so much, and it was amazing!
I spent two years pretty much traveling full-time. Honestly, they were some of the best years of my life. I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I grew so confident, realized my worth, and got to see so much of America, all because I took a job on a whim."
—Anonymous
Let me know what you think in the comments below. If you have any of your own stories about healing from a toxic relationship, feel free to share your story!
Or, if you want to write in but prefer to stay anonymous, you can check out this anonymous Google form. Who knows — your story may end up in an upcoming BuzzFeed article.
Some responses may have been edited for length and/or clarity.
