Women Are Ripping Apart The Societal Expectations Placed On Them, And I'm Clapping But Also Crying
Reddit user Raven_sterlingx recently asked r/AskWomen: "What is one societal expectation placed on women that you wish you could eliminate?" Obviously, the list of unfair expectations women deal with on the daily could be a thousand pages long. Many women jumped into this thread to articulate some of the more exhausting and damaging expectations that need to be eradicated once and for all. Here's what they shared:
1."The expectation that it's on the women to upkeep relationships — whether that be romantic (often women are the ones asking the hard questions, pushing for therapy, anniversaries, date nights) or family (getting the family to do trips, gatherings, birthdays). Many men are lucky to have a marriage and family to celebrate their birthday with because women take the time to do all these things. You see how the reverse is disappointing on days like Valentine's Day or even that lady on TikTok who didn't get a stuffed stocking on Christmas because she did everyone else's, and her husband never thought to do one for her."
2."Being the default parent. My husband is a very involved father, yet my mom continues to ask where the baby is whenever she sees me without him, even when she knows my husband is home."
3."That women's desires, abilities, and priorities are fundamentally different from men. I hate having to justify myself or insist that I'm not an outlier for [insert hobby, career move, skill, parenting outlook, literally anything other than the 1950s Xanax mommy trope]. We're all people; every shade and type of person is individual and unique, and it should all be okay and unremarkable when people are out there enjoying life. Why is it always so intimidating, threatening, or negative when ANYONE (man or woman) does something 'masculine' or 'feminine'? I think it's a tragedy that we don't just think of all the stuff humans do as human stuff. Humans worldwide sing, dance, make art and tools, hunt, garden, build homes, wear clothes, fight each other and love each other, raise families, etc. Everything people do is just HUMAN; the idea of masculine and feminine is so fucking fake to me."
4."I would like to never be in charge of reminding another human when it is appropriate to purchase a gift and/or purchasing the gift on their behalf. My poor aunt bought all of us gifts every year for Christmas and birthdays, and she had to do RESEARCH to make that work. Plot twist? She's married to my mom's brother; she's not even my blood relative. My uncle, sure as shit, was never asked to find or buy a gift for any holiday ever. While I genuinely appreciate my aunt's thoughtfulness, she was never rewarded for the task. Then, I found myself in the same position. Truthfully, I'm married to a much better man than most, but I had to remind him six times to ask his sister what she wanted for her baby's baptism."
"No one in his family baptizes babies. I'm unfamiliar with the custom myself, so I researched whether we needed to get a gift. Yes, you need a gift. I told my husband, and my husband said I was being too traditional. He said we're not even Christians, and the baptism was casual. I was baptized as a young child and remembered receiving numerous gifts from every adult in my family. I knew this was a gift-giving thing. Then he told me he was being named the baby's godfather, which is definitely gift territory. He still didn't ask for another week.
If he just automatically googled what occasions are gift territory, along with typical budgets, I'd be spared the emotional labor. He once asked me why I cared to get the gifts right, and I felt defeated.
Wives and girlfriends want to get the gifts right because if the gifts are wrong or wholly neglected, it's somehow a reflection on us and the strength of our relationships.
And that's why my Aunt Nicky picked out my Christmas and birthday presents. So no one would doubt her."
5."I think being unattractive is a lot more acceptable for men than it is for women. There is so much labor and time that goes into looking attractive all the time, and although that pressure will always be there for both genders, I think it matters more for women. Guys can just wake up and leave the house while it takes me at least an extra half hour to look acceptable, and I consider myself pretty low maintenance. Of course, I technically don't have to 'make myself look acceptable,' but I feel I get treated better if I do. So, it kind of feels like I have to."
"Men can be unattractive and still have some kind of value. Women have to be attractive as a baseline."
"100%, and it's a double-edged sword. If you put 'too much' effort in, people (especially men) will assume you're vapid and high maintenance. There's a reason so many brands use the word 'effortless' in their marketing. 'You'll look effortlessly cool in these jeans!' 'This styling product will make your hair look effortlessly tousled.' Meanwhile, you still have the burden of putting in that effort."
"I hate the term 'high maintenance' so much. Men who use it seem to take it personally when a woman puts ongoing effort into her appearance, but it doesn't impact them at all. I'm big into nails, makeup, hair, etc., which could be called high maintenance, but I'm the only one responsible for doing all the stuff I like doing. There is no maintenance involved for anyone else! If your car changed its own oil and tires, you would never call it a high-maintenance car. Unless a girl asks a guy to pay for her salon appointments, I immediately think less of someone who uses that term to describe women in their lives."
6."That we all love and want to hold and watch others' babies. I have nothing against babies and will gladly smile back, but I don't drop to my knees and beg my husband for one every time I see one. It gets really old having so many older people (largely also women) harp on younger to hop to it and get pregnant like it isn't a major life decision and opting out isn't a viable option."
7."'Existing for men,' as in being ogled at, getting hit on, being told to smile, getting called 'cute names,' getting comments on your body according to what men like. If you wish, it is possible to avoid many of the expectations in modern countries, but this one isn't really avoidable. It exists because you exist."
8."That 'our bodies are made for this' when it comes to fertility, pregnancy, childbirth, AND breastfeeding. SO damaging. No, not all our bodies are easily made for this; for some, it's a struggle or even deadly."
"It's also impossible to predict what kind of birth experience you're going to have, whether from injuries, long-term health consequences, hormones, or even just having the baby in the most disturbing pain while men get to drone on about 'Eve's curse.' I could literally get disabled for life, my teeth could fall out, I could fucking die, and then I have a tiny person who will literally die if I don't give it my full and undivided attention while healing from the birth itself. Fuck. That."
9."That it is only the woman's job to do the emotional labor and that we are responsible for the emotions of everyone around us."
"Yeah, this is the one for me. I'm exhausted. It feels like a cyclical trap — the more experience with emotional labor, the better you get at it with practice, and even though I'm consciously trying to pull back and let men do their fair share, I end up feeling like I need to intervene for things to not go sideways. I guess it's a similar 'trap' to that of domestic labor. How nice it would be to not choose between being the one to smooth things over and conflict spinning out of control because no one's saying the right things to de-escalate and gain perspective."
"People cannot delegate themselves. They cannot delegate self-control, self-regulation, self-knowledge, or self-improvement. Everyone is ultimately responsible for themselves. That doesn't mean we can't have relationships or love. It just means that to do so to the fullest extent, we must own ourselves first. This unstated assumption is at the heart of discrimination against women. I am constantly deprived of personal resources because I have been held tacitly responsible for all the other adults around me. I have spent personal resources tackling everyone else's problems without reserving enough time for my needs (much less my goals). I have worked myself into the hospital because I was told that my needs don't matter or aren't real. Sure, I am a completely functional adult who also supports two children, but that's not all there is to me any more than a job/profession/income is all there is to a man.
I have not lived up to my potential or contributed my knowledge to the world or society because I was busy handling conflicts that were never mine to handle in the first place and could never be solved by me because they reside in others. I have enabled triangulation and contributed to manipulation without even understanding that I was doing so. I have prevented other people from learning about themselves because I thought it was my responsibility to handle their emotions.
If this were no longer true, and women just stopped doing it for others as the default assumption, we would hopefully get to the point where women wouldn't be demonized for not doing it automatically. All people would naturally spend more time concentrating on communication, self-reflection, and how to engage with the world around them (or they'd piss everyone off, and people would leave them well enough alone). I'd like to think we would all be better people. I'd like to think it would be a better world. I'd like to think that our individual inner conflicts would stop being externalized in inappropriate settings, that we would develop more acceptable safe spaces as a society, and we could start working harder on the problems that affect us all.
That's my hope, anyway."
10."I make more money than my fiancé, and a few people have looked at our relationship like he's not pulling his weight, even though he has a great professional job and is a leader in his company. I was just promoted faster in mine. I wish female breadwinners could be more commonly accepted."
11."I wish there was more room for women to make mistakes. If a woman makes a mistake in her job or her personal life, suddenly everything's being blown out of proportion, and suddenly this is a representation of all women."
12."That we aren't allowed to age. Or if we do age, we can't be proud of ourselves. And if we're proud of who we are, we can't discuss it."
13."That we are born knowing how to care for the house and children. It irritates me when men say, 'Oh, she's better at caring for the baby!' Like no asshole, we had to figure that out too. I am so glad my husband isn't like this; I would never be with someone like that."
14."The expectation to regard pregnancy and childbirth as 'just another Tuesday' instead of the totally horrendous experience and unimaginable pain they actually are. Even putting aside the default parent thing, a man saying, 'I want children,' and a woman saying, 'I want children,' are two absolutely incomparable things. 'I'm prepared to have unprotected sex,' and 'I'm prepared to put myself through literal hell,' are not freaking the same."
"Being pregnant and being happy about it. Being in any sort of pain and pretending like it doesn't exist. Those two often coincide, and I'm so tired of being told that pregnancy isn't 'that' scary or that because my body is 'made to do it,' it's what I should do with my body. It's one of the most dangerous and unpredictable medical events in a person with a uterus's life, and we are just expected to do it without questions or any complaints. Then there's the, 'Well, you CHOSE to get pregnant!' comment so others don't have to make your life even a smidge easier. All because 'you spread your legs' and therefore, you deserve to have a moving alien inside your body for nine months, destroying everything inside. It's not beautiful or goddess-like. It's literally disgusting, scary, dangerous, and the consequences are permanent. And the medical care is substandard at the best of times. My worth is more than my womb, goddamnit. And I should be allowed not to opt into something consequential unless I want to!!!!"
15."There is such a huge expectation to be skinny but curvy in all the right places. We teach girls at a young age that women are only beautiful and worthy if they look a certain way. I think there are many great women out there raising awareness about this issue, and we have come a long way, but there's still a long way to go."
16."The expectation to wear makeup to work sucks."
"I literally got written up once for not wearing makeup to work."
17."That we should be in a relationship. After my last relationship ended horrifically, I decided that was enough. I stopped dating for good. And holy crap, a woman who isn't either in a relationship or seeking to be in one is maligned! Whether it's by would-be boyfriends horrified by the prospect of a woman who isn't interested, friends who wonder when you'll get over it, or family members constantly badgering you to 'get back out there,' it's relentless."
18."Being expected to have, like, or be interested in kids. Being expected to be a fun aunt or a built-in babysitter. I have no problem treating children with common courtesy, but I'm not open to anything else, and I've had people be absolutely astonished by that. I'm not part of 'the village' for parents, and it's weird when people feel entitled to that participation."
"This is something I’ve realized too. Even childfree women always feel the need to preface with, 'I’m a fun aunt, though!' or 'My cat/dog is my baby, though!' Personally, I have no desire to care for any dependent living beings, and when it's time for my care, I will have enough money to pay caretakers and die in peace. This is more than enough for me. I don’t want to be this warm maternal figure for anybody or any plant!"
19."This is a small one, but don't fucking look at me when someone needs to take notes in a meeting. I outrank you, Todd; get out your notepad. I can sit in uncomfortable silence until you figure that out."
20."Shaved coochies."
"Shaved legs and underarms, too! I stopped shaving a long time ago, and whenever I remember that a majority of women shave their legs, I'm shocked all over again at how ridiculous it is."
21."The expectation that if you are a woman, especially if you are 'pretty,' you are supposed to be bubbly and gracious and cater to everyone's needs or want to work around people. If you are an introvert and prefer science and logic, and are not 'bubbly and outgoing,' and are instead 'quiet but intense.'"
22."To do the little things that are too small to be considered tasks but apparently important enough that a woman shouldn't ignore them. Straightening out cushions on the sofa, clearing the table, deciding when to spring clean, keeping track of events and social gatherings, deciding what gifts to give, all that crap about a 'woman's touch.' People just don't wanna attach value to women's labor."
23."That young women should 'put out' sexually if they want to date, and otherwise the alternative is celibacy. What happened to courting, going steady, and getting engaged? All important milestones for a woman to truly explore her options and enjoy her sexuality."
24."The expectation that we are meant to function 100% like normal during our period or difficult phases in our menstrual cycle. Periods are exhausting, and the symptoms can be rough. If men had periods instead of women, it would be very different!"
25."Honestly, the expectation to always be 'nice' and pleasant. It's like women are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice 24/7, and it's exhausting. If we're assertive or disagree with someone, we're often labeled as difficult or other not-so-nice words. There's no room for us to have a bad day or assert our boundaries without being judged. If this expectation disappeared, I think women could communicate more freely without worrying about being seen as combative. People might actually start seeing assertiveness as confidence rather than a flaw. Plus, it would be nice not to have to smile on command like a Stepford Wife."
26."Being the caregiver to your parents, partner, kids, boss, and friends. It's just exhausting."
27.And: "The pressure for women to 'have it all' — the perfect career, the perfect body, the perfect home — all while being the perfect mom. Thankfully, my hubby had no such expectations of me. I wish there was more of an understanding that we are human too and that it's okay to not be everything, everywhere, all at once."
Are there other unfair societal expectations placed on women you'd like to call out? Talk to us in the comments, or share anonymously using this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
