I quit corporate life after realising I had a drink problem
There's nothing wrong with cracking open a bottle after a long day. But for some successful women, who may also be juggling domestic and childcare responsibilities, an unhealthy relationship with alcohol can often go undetected.
Instead, it remains camouflaged in 'taking the edge off', social activity (or isolation), and an appreciation of 'fine wine'.
Sandra Parker, 54, former chartered accountant with a 25-year corporate career history working for the likes of Credit Suisse, Deutsche Bank and BP, learnt this first hand, before embarking on a journey to sobriety and leaving her old life behind to become an alcohol abuse coach.
Numbing anxiety and stress with alcohol
Sandra grew up in Glasgow, where she studied before moving to London and working in investment banking in her 20s, mainly with men.
While no one had a noticeable problem at the time, it was considered a "badge of honour" to be a good drinker and her manager would tell her "eating is cheating".
"But it was from a very young age that I realised alcohol helped me with my anxiety and panic attacks. I did accountancy because I thought it was a good job, but there was a lot of pressure and I drank in social situations."
From a very young age I realised alcohol helped me with my anxiety
"I wouldn't have that off switch button," she explains, recalling blackouts since her teens and wondering what she'd said.
"I used to be sick a lot and have hangovers that lasted for days. Then when I moved down to London, it was like alcohol was the constant even though my life had changed."
Her taste in alcohol evolving from cheap cider to espresso martinis in her 30s, she then started learning about wine.
"I went to Sonoma Valley, I did a course in London Bridge. I was thinking, it's because I like the wine. I just love a Californian Chardonnay. But it was doing the same thing."
In a vicious circle, Sandra's anxiety, OCD and low feelings were exacerbated after too much alcohol.
"I didn't fit into any stereotype. I wasn't drinking every day. But I couldn't go on holiday without drinking, easily having a bottle a day. I couldn't have a weekend or bank holiday without drinking. If anyone else was drinking, I would be.
"It was really affecting my mental health. I absolutely hated it."
Making a change after a terrible hangover
The thought of going to AA terrified her and she struggled to find something to help her situation, trying and failing every dry Jan (or drinking more in Feb).
It wasn't until she worked with a life coach herself, and tackled everything else, that alcohol was the last taboo to sort. But the initial catalyst for making a change was a huge holiday hangover on a boat on New Year's Day.
"I couldn't deny it was a problem. I couldn't get out of my cabin all day. I was crying and I just felt so low. I thought, what am I doing, I can't pretend this is fun. I said to myself Sandra, enough, you can't do this anymore, it's making you miserable. You're never going to feel like this again."
I said to myself, you're never going to feel like this again
At first, Sandra couldn't imagine giving up alcohol entirely and didn't want to.
But meanwhile she was shocked to learn how she was using it to numb herself and started to handle her emotions better, her anxiety going down.
"It was different to what I thought and I couldn't deny I felt better. I was a bit annoyed, because I still wanted to moderate my alcohol, but I thought I won't do that just to spite myself. I'm actually happier."
She had a break for 30 days, then three months, then six, then admitted to herself she didn't want to drink again. She'll be six years alcohol-free in July.
"The word sober sounds miserable. I talk about getting control and being alcohol-free."
Life-changing
"It feels like a secret superpower. There's something quite fun about it," she says, recalling feeling proud of herself when she first turned down a drink at a Christmas party and took part in the conga that ensued without alcohol as fuel. "It felt fun."
Being alcohol-free feels a bit like a secret superpower
"I loved getting up in the morning and remembering everything. Or going to get the paper on a Sunday morning, going to a hot yoga class. Having authentic conversations.
"I felt calmer, confident and was able to process and handle my challenges better. I was clear headed. I realised while I liked some aspects of my job, it wasn't my passion."
Helping others
Tee-total since 2018, Sandra founded London-based online coaching company Just the Tonic in 2019 to help high-achieving professionals gain freedom from alcohol.
"People at the very end of the spectrum, like heavy drinking, need medical intervention," Sandra acknowledges, "but for the vast majority of people, it's not a physical dependency, it's a psychological one.
"I know if people come to me at that point, then as long as they want to change and be coached, I know we can work out the reasons they drink. Is it grief? A relationship? Boredom? Stress? Loneliness? We can find out what they need, and something that serves them better."
Who is the typical client?
"About 80% of my clients are women (single, divorced, married). Typically, they're drinking at home and mainly wine, a bottle a night. For a lot of people, their drinking increased over COVID," says Sandra.
"They're using it to de-stress. They've got a lot of responsibilities, juggling childcare, looking after elderly parents, or doing a stressful job. They give everything their all.
"At the end of the working day, they're exhausted and stressed. They've learned alcohol will temporarily numb out those thoughts.
"It's a really powerful learned behaviour. We weren't born craving alcohol, we've been massively conditioned."
We weren't born craving alcohol, we've been massively conditioned
"Because they're high functioning, they're able to push through, they're pretty resilient. They're not showing up to work obviously drunk or incapable, or drink driving. But it's eating away at their confidence, health, and relationships."
Secrecy, guilt and shame
Most of Sandra's clients say they haven't told their doctor. One, because it's hard to get an appointment, but two, because of fear of the implications.
"There's also shame in doing something 'wrong' and not being able to control something (that might also lead to health problems). That eats away at people, and they don't want to burden anyone, including family, or be perceived differently at work. They don't want to admit it to themselves."
The glamorisation of drinking
"The typical alcoholic is somebody sat on a park bench with a brown paper bag, with Strongbow or some hard liquor," says Sandra.
"And then we think, if it's a middle class thing, in the comfort of your own home, and you enjoy expensive wine, it's different. But it's the same thing. They're both ethanol. They're both doing your body the same damage.
"We see it glamorised and the indoctrination is staggering," says Sandra. While alcohol was once only for special occasions, you now can't escape it at brunches, on your birthday cards, or at any activity (aka 'sip and paint').
We think, if it's a middle class thing, in the comfort of your own home, and you enjoy expensive wine, it's different. But it's the same thing. They're both ethanol
Telling others you're not drinking
"In the past, I was the friend who would have said, go on, just have the one glass," Sandra admits.
"But would you rather be the person feeling threatened and having a go, or the person that's not bothered?
"It's nothing to do with you, it's because they're feeling uncomfortable about their own drinking. It's like you've lifted up a mirror."
Sandra advises not pushing sobriety on others. "Let them see how unbothered and happy you are, which is a better way to influence.
"You have to be okay about not drinking, which you can do if you've tackled the root cause."
If people ask why, Sandra recommends keeping it quite vague and not specifying a time frame so no one's waiting for it to end.
"If you're able to show up and be a good friend, people will soon get used to it."
Speak to your doctor if you are worried about your drinking and visit the NHS website for more information on alcohol misuse (including treatment) and drug addiction. For support, you can call Mind's infoline on 0300 123 3393, 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday (except for bank holidays), or the Samaritans on 116 123 any time, or email jo@samaritans.org for a response within 24 hours.
Read more on alcohol:
I gave up drinking alcohol in my 20's, hangxiety took over my life' (Yahoo Life UK, 5-min read)
Why do we get anxious when hungover? 'Hanxiety' explained by expert (Yahoo Life UK, 6-min read)
7 changes that happen to your body when you give up booze (Cosmopolitan UK, 11-min read)
